Scoop out my soul..

I heard those dreaded words and all the emptiness and pain returned. What do you call it when you don’t want to have it and you don’t want anyone else to have it either? Is it case of sour grapes, you are sure you cannot have it, so you assure yourself it is not good for you, you assure yourself you would not be happy with it and when it is in someone else’s reach. You just can’t bear. The want and the pain returns. The pain mentioned in poetry, in songs is real. For a long time I though the pain is a metaphor for loss and disappointment. Yes and Yes. Yes there is loss and disappointment and yes there is literal physical pain. As if someone has used a giant scoop to scoop out your heart, your soul leaving behind a gaping hole. Nothing seems to fill the hole. No amount of anger, no amount of resentment. And I realized something else. I realized why people drink when they are sad, why they do drugs. All this to escape to a state of oblivion. I thought of the Tylenol PM I had. Maybe that could take me to place where it dint matter and help me stay there for sometime. But I couldn't get myself to try it. I lashed out when I heard, I lashed out without any reason, just to vent my anger, my disappointment, my grief, my loss and my helplessness. What else is there to do? The tears which were not needed for a long time now found their way back as if they had never left. Haven’t you heard of all those fail to get someone wished them good things anyways? I ain’t that good of heart. I cannot wish for happiness when I am so miserable. I am not so generous. I don’t want the other to be happy at the cost of my unhappiness. I wish him all the worst; I wish him unhappiness and discontent. I wish him disappointment. And I don’t want to know about it. I want him to suffer but I don’t want to know about it. I want to have another chance to lash out another chance to call names or maybe I don’t even want to speak. My sense of self-pity and helplessness returns. Why always me?

I haven’t received the receipt; this state of uncertainty is taking its toll on me. I am trying so hard not to turn to food. I am losing something so dear to me why can’t I at least have this. Maybe a temporary sense of Euphoria will distract me. Oh dear tears please don’t start again. Not now not here. Because I know once you take over me, every moment I will live in pain, in misery and in dread