Everyone at some point in their life have slipped down a step or a patch of ice. That moment of time when you want to control, you know how to control, it just doesn't happen.
The past few months I have been feeling that way on several occasions. It is not like I am helpless but it is as if I choose to be helpless. You don't need enemies outside yourself if you yourself are your worst enemy. The list of things I dislike in myself just keeps growing and hence this rant. These are things I cannot tell anyone because no one is close enough. Its is just me and then there is me and so here I go.
Things I don't like about me:
1. Procrastination (simple plain old laziness)
2. Lack of Will power
3. Envy
4. Needing to be in control
5. Depression
6. Never following through with things I set out to do
7. Competitiveness without competence
8. Seeking acknowledgement and praise
9. Unhappiness
I can just go on. It is in such times that I miss Sid. If he were around maybe he would talk me into getting back on track, I liked that sense of accountability.
Now how do I deal with this, how can a patient deal with a disease when he/she is suffering from it.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, August 04, 2008
I Miss U!!!
I miss you both R and Sid. You will always have a special place in my heart. I am grateful for all things that were and I still am not over the things that arent.
I know I should call R, my best friend. But my heart always prays and wishes the best for her. She is a wonderful friend and will be a wonderful mom.
I know I should not call Sid and I wont. But my heart always will mourn what could have been and isnt.
I know I should call R, my best friend. But my heart always prays and wishes the best for her. She is a wonderful friend and will be a wonderful mom.
I know I should not call Sid and I wont. But my heart always will mourn what could have been and isnt.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Does not feel right!!!
___________________________________________________________________________________
Gus crowned world's ugliest dog
By AP
Gus has three legs, one eye and no hair, except for a white tuft on the top of his head. But he's top dog.
The pedigree Chinese crested won the World's Ugliest Dog contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Northern California.
His owner, Jeanenne Teed, brought Gus all the way from Florida, to compete for the dubious distinction
After the excitement of the moment, Teed characterised her dog's reaction: "Well, I think right now he's ready for a nap."
The Chinese crested breed is a popular choice in this annual contest. Last year's champ, Elwood, was a Chinese crested and Chihuahua mix.
Gus's owner won $500 and will be flown to New York to appear on "CBS This Morning." The event will be aired on the Animal Planet network in October.___________________________________________________________________________________
This piece of news just seems to be in poor taste. The world's ugliest dog is actually suffering from skin cancer, has lost a leg and is in its last stretch of life. This as told by the dogs owner on national TV. According to them it was their goal to have the dog live until this contest. As if it was all their choice. According to them the dog was so exhausted during the contest that it just stood up for a few mins for the judges and then dozed off.
Why is their no outrage at this. Why is the $500 prize so celebrated and celebrated on national TV. Would the ASPCA only care if the animal has beautiful fur and good to look at. Has this not disturbed anyone else.
What if it was the world's ugliest person contest and someone with Skin cancer is the winner? Would we still be so indifferent?
Gus crowned world's ugliest dog
By AP
Gus has three legs, one eye and no hair, except for a white tuft on the top of his head. But he's top dog.
The pedigree Chinese crested won the World's Ugliest Dog contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Northern California.
His owner, Jeanenne Teed, brought Gus all the way from Florida, to compete for the dubious distinction
After the excitement of the moment, Teed characterised her dog's reaction: "Well, I think right now he's ready for a nap."
The Chinese crested breed is a popular choice in this annual contest. Last year's champ, Elwood, was a Chinese crested and Chihuahua mix.
Gus's owner won $500 and will be flown to New York to appear on "CBS This Morning." The event will be aired on the Animal Planet network in October.___________________________________________________________________________________
This piece of news just seems to be in poor taste. The world's ugliest dog is actually suffering from skin cancer, has lost a leg and is in its last stretch of life. This as told by the dogs owner on national TV. According to them it was their goal to have the dog live until this contest. As if it was all their choice. According to them the dog was so exhausted during the contest that it just stood up for a few mins for the judges and then dozed off.
Why is their no outrage at this. Why is the $500 prize so celebrated and celebrated on national TV. Would the ASPCA only care if the animal has beautiful fur and good to look at. Has this not disturbed anyone else.
What if it was the world's ugliest person contest and someone with Skin cancer is the winner? Would we still be so indifferent?
Thursday, June 05, 2008
In my neck of the woods.....
This blog is just about that.. things the way they are in my neck of the woods.
It was my birthday last Sunday, June 1st. Probably one of my best birthdays ever. Definitely the best birthday in recent past. No I did not have a celebration, because I dont believe in celebrating things we dint really have a say. No I did not have a flood of calls or flowers or gifts.
Still it was the best because it was a gift to myself. I planned to spend a peaceful day doing things I love. Being at peace with myself. The whole day not once did I think about past nor did I think about the future. I did not look back and regret nor look forward and hope. It was very liberating. I did not make resolutions. So what did I do?
1. On Saturday(the day before by Bday), I cleaned my home. Every nook and corner. At the end of it all it was smelling of flowers.
2. I bought myself flowers from the old lady at the farmers market. Also bought a lot for fresh vegetables.
3. Got me a cake, a small chocolate fudge cake.
4. Made myself a beautiful breakfast of pancakes, orange juice and eggs with veggies.
5. Washed my car, waxed it. My baby is shiny like a new penny.
6. Started two new memberships. I will talk about them when I get what I want out of them.
7. Ofcourse my parents called and wished. My dad said I was a sunday baby and this birthday falls on a sunday.
8. Finished a Elizabeth Lowell Novel
9. Watched the Sun set from my window overlooking the river
10. Read all the wishes left on my facebook and myspace by friends
That was my birthday, and I hope just be content the rest of the year whether or not things work out for me.
Apart from the birthday, Work is great. Enjoying it and it is nice to see people whom I work with appreciate it. People I work for appreciate it to and hand me oppurtubities to grow.
My company sponsered trip to Chicago over the memorial day weekend was a nice break. It was nice to meet my friends and enjoy their company. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and confidence. It was nice to see people have faith in my and expecting bigger things from me. And I AM READY!!! BRING IT ON!!!!!
It was my birthday last Sunday, June 1st. Probably one of my best birthdays ever. Definitely the best birthday in recent past. No I did not have a celebration, because I dont believe in celebrating things we dint really have a say. No I did not have a flood of calls or flowers or gifts.
Still it was the best because it was a gift to myself. I planned to spend a peaceful day doing things I love. Being at peace with myself. The whole day not once did I think about past nor did I think about the future. I did not look back and regret nor look forward and hope. It was very liberating. I did not make resolutions. So what did I do?
1. On Saturday(the day before by Bday), I cleaned my home. Every nook and corner. At the end of it all it was smelling of flowers.
2. I bought myself flowers from the old lady at the farmers market. Also bought a lot for fresh vegetables.
3. Got me a cake, a small chocolate fudge cake.
4. Made myself a beautiful breakfast of pancakes, orange juice and eggs with veggies.
5. Washed my car, waxed it. My baby is shiny like a new penny.
6. Started two new memberships. I will talk about them when I get what I want out of them.
7. Ofcourse my parents called and wished. My dad said I was a sunday baby and this birthday falls on a sunday.
8. Finished a Elizabeth Lowell Novel
9. Watched the Sun set from my window overlooking the river
10. Read all the wishes left on my facebook and myspace by friends
That was my birthday, and I hope just be content the rest of the year whether or not things work out for me.
Apart from the birthday, Work is great. Enjoying it and it is nice to see people whom I work with appreciate it. People I work for appreciate it to and hand me oppurtubities to grow.
My company sponsered trip to Chicago over the memorial day weekend was a nice break. It was nice to meet my friends and enjoy their company. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and confidence. It was nice to see people have faith in my and expecting bigger things from me. And I AM READY!!! BRING IT ON!!!!!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Tragedy so close to home
"A man opened fire in a crowded lecture hall at Northern Illinois University on Thursday, killing four people and wounding a number of others before killing himself, media reports and authorities said"
This is not any other piece of everyday news. It is about my school, my home for the last few years. The place that made me an independent confident person. I have attended lectures and taken exams in the very same Cole Hall were the shooting took place. Seeing picture after of picture of my school plastered across news sites brought sadness and grief. Hurrying to catch the huskie line bus to get to a class, rushing to get there on time in the cold all bundeled up, is it supposed to cross ones mind that you might get shot. My thoughts are with the families of the kids who are dead today for no reason at all, just a random act of an unreasonable sick mind. My heart goes out to their roommates and friends who will never see them again. And my prayers to all who have to go back to school eventually, what would that first class be like, will they be able to pay attention or would they be constantly looking over their shoulder. What is it like to be in constant fear.
My first thought when I read about it was about my friends, my proteges. I met them at different stages in school. Some through the Peer mentor program, some randomly. I took great pride in being their mentor. Helping them know my school better, encouraging and motivating them to do good right from the beginning. Thank you God for keeping them all safe.
Inspite of this terrible tragedy I hope the students do not get consumed by fear. Fear is the most negative of emotions. We are living in times when fear seems to be the foremost of emotions. May this tragedy bring them closer to each other, bring kindness into their hearts and love for life with death being so unpredictable.
Here is a one of my favorite songs
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Why does no one trust anyone anymore?!
I am mad, sad and extremely frustrated at my family. They have become so distrustful, especially where my brother is concerned. They treat him as if he is a fragile flower whom they should protect from all harm real and imagined.
One of my collegues is from Bangladesh. His relatives are visiting my home town to write a exam and he requested if my brother can be of some assistance. Especially because they do not know hindi and it will be kind of difficult to get around. I did not think anything about helping him and confidently said that ofcourse my family will be more than happy to help out.
Well that cannot happen. My parents think it is not a good idea at all. Because they are from bangladesh, three young people are visiting and my brother is a young guy. You dont see the connection do you. I dint either until they explained. With the recent bomb blasts in my city and bangladeshi nationals being involved and we being muslims, and my brother being a young muslim guy all things can go wrong. And even if it doesnt owing to mere coincidence my brother can be in trouble. Whenever any thing remotely related to terrorist activity happens in my city young muslim guys are rounded uo even if they were just passing by.
We are supposed to be living in a secular, independent country. One of the most admirable things of Indian Culture is "Atthithi Devo Bhava", and yes let me clarify being a muslim does not make a indian muslim less of a Indian or less of a muslim.
I grew up in a predominantly non-muslim neighbourhood, went to school in a catholic convent school which was in a predominantly muslim area and so the majority of the students were muslims. Not once during my growing up years did it ever occur to me that my relegion had anything to do anything beyond the threshold of my home.
It is so very painful to think that one is subjected to so much suspicion based just upon religion which is such a personal and private matter. Why dont people understand that the problems in the middle east which spill over everywhere in the world are just that "the problem in the middle east". It is to do with reigon and not religion.
And I am very very upset with my family at being suspicious in return. Lets turn the tables, I am single muslim female living and working on my own in the US. I wear the head scarf and no one can have any doubts about my religion. What if I people get suspicious in the same manner, where would I live if people do not rent me an apartment based on my religion. What would I do if people do not hire me based on my religion. How would my family react then. Would they totally understand, would they be OK with that because they would have done the same right ?!
One of my collegues is from Bangladesh. His relatives are visiting my home town to write a exam and he requested if my brother can be of some assistance. Especially because they do not know hindi and it will be kind of difficult to get around. I did not think anything about helping him and confidently said that ofcourse my family will be more than happy to help out.
Well that cannot happen. My parents think it is not a good idea at all. Because they are from bangladesh, three young people are visiting and my brother is a young guy. You dont see the connection do you. I dint either until they explained. With the recent bomb blasts in my city and bangladeshi nationals being involved and we being muslims, and my brother being a young muslim guy all things can go wrong. And even if it doesnt owing to mere coincidence my brother can be in trouble. Whenever any thing remotely related to terrorist activity happens in my city young muslim guys are rounded uo even if they were just passing by.
We are supposed to be living in a secular, independent country. One of the most admirable things of Indian Culture is "Atthithi Devo Bhava", and yes let me clarify being a muslim does not make a indian muslim less of a Indian or less of a muslim.
I grew up in a predominantly non-muslim neighbourhood, went to school in a catholic convent school which was in a predominantly muslim area and so the majority of the students were muslims. Not once during my growing up years did it ever occur to me that my relegion had anything to do anything beyond the threshold of my home.
It is so very painful to think that one is subjected to so much suspicion based just upon religion which is such a personal and private matter. Why dont people understand that the problems in the middle east which spill over everywhere in the world are just that "the problem in the middle east". It is to do with reigon and not religion.
And I am very very upset with my family at being suspicious in return. Lets turn the tables, I am single muslim female living and working on my own in the US. I wear the head scarf and no one can have any doubts about my religion. What if I people get suspicious in the same manner, where would I live if people do not rent me an apartment based on my religion. What would I do if people do not hire me based on my religion. How would my family react then. Would they totally understand, would they be OK with that because they would have done the same right ?!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Say What !!!!!!
Last weekend I got my W-2 and decided to take a jab at my taxes. I am one of those who like doing their taxes themselves and doing them fast. Until last year I used to qualify for the free e-file thanks to my measly student income. Not this year. Fortunately as a State Farm customer I get to use Turbo Tax's deluxe edition ($29.95) for free. And my pleasure was so short lived. After plugging in all the numbers leave alone a refund, I owe a little more than a grand to Uncle Sam. I could not believe it and tried it out on many other tax softwares and tax calculators. What is to be will be.
After all these years of getting everything back this did not feel so good. Anyway being single and no mortgage seem to have its own disadvantages. Well the only disadvantage I can think of thus far.
I thought I will call my HR manager and ask her to maybe make some adjustments to how my taxes are being withheld. But decided against it. I would rather pay up than get a refund because the refund is after all "an interest free loan to Uncle Sam" (I have read this in everyone of the PF sites I visit).
All said and done a minor setback on my way to a positive networth.
After all these years of getting everything back this did not feel so good. Anyway being single and no mortgage seem to have its own disadvantages. Well the only disadvantage I can think of thus far.
I thought I will call my HR manager and ask her to maybe make some adjustments to how my taxes are being withheld. But decided against it. I would rather pay up than get a refund because the refund is after all "an interest free loan to Uncle Sam" (I have read this in everyone of the PF sites I visit).
All said and done a minor setback on my way to a positive networth.
Monday, January 07, 2008
When the going gets good ........
The past year was a blurr and so was my vacation that ended last week. It was good to back home after more than three years, It was good not to have to do my own cooking, laundry or pay rent.
The journey back and forth went without a hitch, got to travel business class a small portion of the journey (5 hrs) thanks to my dad being friends with the Air Traffic Controller. Other than that the journey was pretty uneventful.
Trip to Chennai and the whole VISA stamping process also went so smooth. All my research preparation, anxiety and planning seem so unnecessary in retrospect. Oh well all is well that ends well.
The surgery also went well. I have always believed and now have proof that I am a picture of good health. Perfect lab results, perfect healing and perfect recovery. I was out of bed and walking the very next day after surgery.
As far as family is concerned I realise I am gradually growing closer to my mom though I have always been daddy's girl and never gotten along with my mother. Still loggerheads with my brother. We seems to be good for each other only from a distance, I don't know why is it that we can never get along.
But thanks to my brother I saw many movies (Tare Zameen Par, OSO, Saawariya and many more) and read Angels and Demons(Dan Brown), The Client(John Grisham), Vector(Robin Cook) and loads of Amar Chitra Katha comics, my all time favourites.
Its my parents resolution and mission this year to find me a husband. And I am not make it any easy for them. Why am I so particular about somethings I don't know but I just cant seem to compromise. Case in point, I want to marry someone who earns more than me. Before you jump to conclusions no I am not a gold digger. I earn a very comfortable living, but somehow I don't want a husband lesser than me in terms of piety, education, career or money. I maybe be wrong but it doesn't feel wrong. And to make matters worse my salary is going up about 15% every six months. Now that's no problem is it ...
The journey back and forth went without a hitch, got to travel business class a small portion of the journey (5 hrs) thanks to my dad being friends with the Air Traffic Controller. Other than that the journey was pretty uneventful.
Trip to Chennai and the whole VISA stamping process also went so smooth. All my research preparation, anxiety and planning seem so unnecessary in retrospect. Oh well all is well that ends well.
The surgery also went well. I have always believed and now have proof that I am a picture of good health. Perfect lab results, perfect healing and perfect recovery. I was out of bed and walking the very next day after surgery.
As far as family is concerned I realise I am gradually growing closer to my mom though I have always been daddy's girl and never gotten along with my mother. Still loggerheads with my brother. We seems to be good for each other only from a distance, I don't know why is it that we can never get along.
But thanks to my brother I saw many movies (Tare Zameen Par, OSO, Saawariya and many more) and read Angels and Demons(Dan Brown), The Client(John Grisham), Vector(Robin Cook) and loads of Amar Chitra Katha comics, my all time favourites.
Its my parents resolution and mission this year to find me a husband. And I am not make it any easy for them. Why am I so particular about somethings I don't know but I just cant seem to compromise. Case in point, I want to marry someone who earns more than me. Before you jump to conclusions no I am not a gold digger. I earn a very comfortable living, but somehow I don't want a husband lesser than me in terms of piety, education, career or money. I maybe be wrong but it doesn't feel wrong. And to make matters worse my salary is going up about 15% every six months. Now that's no problem is it ...
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