how normal am i , HUH

You Are 60% Normal

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

How Normal Are You?

Memories Galore !

"Log chale jathe hain, aur yadein chod jathe hain!"

I was going thru my stuff today. Will be done living here soon. I cannot afford to keep all the stuff I have. So started disposing off as much as possible. Got rid of most of my stuff. Still more to go. Saw how wasteful i was. So much stuff I spent on, and never used it. Hundreds of dollars. Books, cosmetics, clothes.

And then it started. It was easy disposing off stuff I bought, but going thru gifts was difficult. Every fond memory came back. I have gotten so many gifts over the years, I am very grateful for them, for the thought behind them. The barbies, all six of them bring back fond memories when my life was simpler. Read thru R's cards, letters and was reminded of all the good times we had. She is my best friend and I dont want to and will not find a replacement. My first birthday here she sent me so many cards. I want to reach out to my other friends from undergrad. But right now I feel very ashamed of myself. I want to atleast find a job before I call them.

I am meeting Dr.M tomorrow. I finished writing the paper and correcting my thesis. I am sure I will have to make a lot of changes. I will find the paper full of red marks. I just hope he doesnt think the paper was a complete failure. I hope he gives me the letter for my OPT.

Transitions !

Life as I know it is coming to an end. It scares me and it excites me. Come July 14 I have no place to call my own. I am going to be homeless. I am going to be out of my comfort zone, literally. I don't know where to stay, where to go, what to do. Life seems to be so insecure. Lets see where my life takes me.

My training as of now does not start until the 29th. And I am getting into this knowing fully well that it will pose its own set of challenges. And these are real challenges impacting my future. However honey coated the conversation maybe they are a business and I am a gullible person. I am aware of that. I am yet to learn to talk tough. Yet to learn how not to be fooled by my fellow human beings. And the first step towards the goal is my realization of a few things.

1. Not to trust anyone no matter who they are.
2. If someone owes you money or a favor go under the assumption that it wont be returned.
3. Not to get emotionally attached or involved with anyone.
4. Stay extremely practical
5. Emotions of any kind are best kept to oneself
6. Never think that people like you, they don't have to no matter how good you are to them.
7. Don't share your feelings with anyone. Baring ones soul = People taking advantage
8. Keep secrets. Secrets should remain secrets.
9. Never to build hopes on anything. Prepare for the worst.
10.You are your only friend.

I know all these seem very negative. But trust me I am not depressed. Following these things seem to make life more livable and less disappointing. And yes I have started implementing these things in my life.

Snappy

Finally I am getting somewhere. Met Dr.M two days in a row. have a few changes to make to my thesis. Working on the fourth draft. Its certainly looking much better. Spoke to Mr.GM. The training starts july 29. I dont know where I am going to stay for those two weeks. I hope things workout.

Mrs.K and her son are coming July 14. Somehow I dont care. I feel very dettached.

Life Speeding...........Somebody give me a ticket

Right now I feel like a deer caught in line of the head lights. My parents are excited, I am sure my mom is praying for things to work, Mrs.K seems to have a taken a strong liking. Mr.K , I dont know.

Oh so many question today. It made me very nervous. It felt like a background check was run on me. And all those questions reminded me once again of all my shortcomings. She wants to meet me in person. Thats really nerve wracking. I am not used to such things. And I am also afraid they are being misled. The pictures sent to then where good. But still does it really give the picture. I rather be like this than go through the rejection process all over again. And be another disappoint ment to my parents.

IF is always in the middle of LIFE

Saw this really interesting ad on TV. It was for Metlife, an insurance company. It was all about the 'If' in life. Life is so full of choices and with every choice made comes an if. If the right and wrong is taken out of the equation of our decisions, thats all we are left with, the 'IF' factor.

Life is full of surprises - mine too !

I am surprised at my life. It is one hell of a ride. Water is never still, a hint of disturbance and an endless series of ripples. There are so many dimensions to my life. I was taken by surprise yesterday. Did not know what to think of it. It was like a dream. Much like the movie I was watching, The Chronicles of Narnia. Just walk through the wardrobe and land up in a totally different world. A surreal world.

Do u remember the cemetery I had come across during my wanderings. Well I was wandering again in the woods. I had lost something precious. The child of my heart. Lets say my baby. A child of my imagination. It scares me. I was expecting myself to drown in grief. But no. Much to my surprise I was not mourning. No I was not. I know I love my baby. But was I getting immune to all the pain. Why am I not hurting. Have I lost the ability to feel pain. Should I be disgusted or should I be alarmed or should I just be happy and thankful.

Anyway, while I was wandering I hear a this beautiful note. I might not have thought of it as beautiful but I could feel it and then there was beautiful glow.The pleasant warmth. I follow the sound and reach the edge of the stream. The music I was hearing is the beautiful sound of the water. I am fascinated. It was as if the stream was speaking to me. Singing to me. Inviting me to spend time with it. I am shocked. It sounds like my precious baby. The baby I thought I lost. And my baby calls me with open arms. I ask why my baby left me in the first place. It just says it never left. Time flys by. I am dreaming about the time I am going to spend. But at what cost. It turns out, I cant. As I was reaching for the embrace, puff !!!!!!!

Its all gone. No music, no stream, just me dreaming. By the lake, a placid lake, staring at my own reflection. No one beside me. I am disappointed, can I, should I. Maybe I should just be happy, my baby is still part of dream. But it was so close, I just had to reach far enough. Will I ever meet my precious, again. Surprises happen when you least expected them, so they say !!

My Saturday Night Phone Call

Sid called me last night. It was the usual checking on me call. I mentioned him about my lease ending on 14 th and me not starting with the consultant until 22nd. He offered to let me stay at his place but he is going to Canada for the VISA. And he plans to go to INDIA in August. Ofcourse I did not accept that offer. Then there was discussion about my thesis. It was nice to be able to talk my heart out. I was a little sad. I miss the conversation, the support. But may be it is a good thing after all I lose him in August right. So be it !

Remember - The good ole' malgudi days - Here is Something !!!

MALGUDI DAYS by (RK Naryan )

A Hero


Little Swami, like all timid children, sucks his thumb and sleeps near his devoted, story-telling Grandmother. Father is quite annoyed at this mollycoddling and cleverly provokes his son into a show of courage: he is to sleep all alone in his office that very night.

And so, he drags the reluctant child to the office while the women in the family look on helplessly. A petrified Swami sleeps fitfully ? dreams and reality merge ? but the next morning the little boy wakes up 'A Hero"- with a special invitation to join the police force.

Swami abounds in the adulation and praise, while Father is pleased to know his son's photograph has appeared in the local newspapers. Rushing in one night to break the good news, he finds Swami back to his old ways ? one night of manhood is enough for the boy. R.K.Narayan pits the age-old courage vs. strength theory - either you have it in you or you don't.



A horse and two goats



An impressive statue of a Horse and Warrior stands on the outskirts of a sleepy village named Kritam, not too far from Malgudi. Muni, the local goat-herd and his family (wife and two goats) have obviously seen better day. Hunger seems to follow them about like shadows? because the shop-keeper's terms are 'strictly cash'. And so, penniless, dreaming of drumstick curry and other such delicacies, he grazes his goats each day - lazing in the shadows of the great Horse. On one such typical day, an American tourist happens to run out of 'gas' near the statue. The unlikely characters meet and an interesting conversation is soon in full swing. The American speaks only English while Muni speaks chaste Tamil. Not a single word is understood by either, yet they go on like long lost friends. Finally, an unexpected bargain takes place between Muni and the American that has surprising results for Muni. The story brings out R.K. Narayan's earthy sense of humor, dealing with communication and the language barrier.

Missing mail


Thanappa is Malgudi's friendly postman. Always a smile, time for a chat, a bit of advice - followed by the inevitable refreshment. But he is more than just a postman to the Ramanujam family. He shares their good news when he brings tidings of it. And sympathizes in their sorrow as well. Thanappa is instrumental in bringing about their daughter's engagement - the one whose birth he had brought news of almost seventeen years ago. A day before the happy occasion of her marriage, a letter arrives bearing news of his elder brother's illness and a telegram follows with his passing away. Should Thanappa risk all by telling the family on this happy day? Or should he postpone the delivery and risk getting sacked for his efforts? A tricky situation indeed! R.K. Narayan brings to light the problems of arranged marriages in a middle class family and stirs the fast-vanishing memories when the postman was almost a part of a family's hopes, dreams and aspirations.


Leela's friend


8-year-old Leela abounds with joy when her parents hire a new servant to help about the house. Sidda, the servant, is a simple soul - but he is all she knows. The Sivasankar family is a picture of joy as Sidda helps run an efficient household and give Leela the benefit of his experience. One day on the way home from market, Mrs. Sivasankar discovers her daughter's chain missing. Sidda too vanishes. Leela is beside herself with grief, while the parents are busy with their won work, and the Police. In yet another bitter-sweet tale, R.K. Narayan sharply contrasts the innocent world of a child with the hard realities of adulthood. The chain is finally found in a pickle-jar, but Sidda's screams rent the air around the Police-station. Leela's Friend is no more.

Sweets for angel

In the courtyard of a 100 year-old building live Malgudi's odd trio-Pachai the blind beggar (whose eyesight is as sharp as a razor), Kuppan the rickshaw cyclist and Kali the coolie. His one weakness is children. And the school opposite is his haven. He never mingles with the kids-always keeping his distance from them. And so the three eke out a living from day to day till the child-lover gets an opportunity to earn some big money at the local ration store. Feigning illness to his friends, he summons up the courage to buy sweets for the children. At school-break, he approaches them. Being children, they cannot refuse his tempting offer and soon there is commotion all over the place. Some passers-by mistake him for a kidnapper and within no time, rumors about him are rife. A large crowd chases him till he finds refuge in a stranger's house. An exhausted Kali tries to escape, but of no avail. The police arrive and apprehend him. Kali has got himself landed in hospital, shorn and shaven. His friends on a consolation visit, suggest he can go back to his old ways as no one will recognize the new, hairless Kali.

A willing slave


No one knew her name, from whence she went, or came - for the family she was just 'Ayah'*. A willing slave to cook and care for the three children, keep a stern eye on the other servants and to generally keep the house in running order - all for a pittance of a sari** and a few rupees a month. The only sign of any family of her own were two hefty, sullen men in their early 40's, who would come to collect a part of her meagre salary which she gave willingly. The story features 'The Ayah' and Little Radha (the smallest of the children) - their unique relationship where each indulges the other's fantasy till one day when the Ayah leaves to become a willing slave for yet someone else. Everyone from eight to eighty will identify with this bitter-sweet tale. For the 'Ayah' forms an important figure in the Indian household. And for the Western world, our central character would be quite, quite unbelievable yet, about a Mother figurine.

Cat within


Exploitation is rife in this tragically funny story where a Landlord and an Exorcist combine to squeeze the blood from their miserably poor tenants. To protect his loot, the landlord places six kerosene cans one-on-top-of-each-other hoping that any thief might sound the alarm. But the only thieves here are rats - not humans. And who but a cat could deal with these vermin, suggests the Exorcist. The real fun however begins late one night, when a brass pot suddenly comes alive, bouncing up and down in the Landlord's godown, setting up an unholy din. The terror-stricken tenants huddle together ? the Exorcist is sent for ? Some evil is definitely afoot ? and will to come to light !

The watch man


Poor old watchman! 'Why' he asks, 'do people come to my Tank Bund to end their lives?' Suicide has become almost a fashion at the small, deep Tank - with the explanatory letter left behind. Death seems to greet him every month or so, till one night he chances on a young lady in distress already waist-deep in the water. The night is young as the Watchman gets acquainted with the lady's problems. At dawn, having said his piece, he leaves her to do what she will. And it is only many, many years later that he discovers what really happened the morning after the night before. R.K. Narayan examines the stifling conditions of the Indian Woman for whom economic independence seems the only answer to her problems

1200 Huh!

Met Dr.L today. Today is the first day of my participation in her calcium-weightloss study. Here is the deal, I have to watch what I eat, ofcourse. No more than 1200 cals. I am having problems with 1350-1500 cals, how will I manage 1200 cals. I don't know. We will have to wait and watch. She gave me this food exchange chart. I had some idea but it was alarming. Did you know 1/3 cup cooked rice is a serving. An average Indian eats atleast 5 times it. A carb addict like me will do 10 times that.
I will have to do a lot of fighting with myself. No wonder I am overweight all these years of overeating, and a bad metabolism just makes things worse. I wish I was more active as a child. I was never into sports.I liked dancing, but my parents did not care for it as much. I remember in middle school asking my parents to let me join classical dance classes. My parents had this standard answer for everything " Concentrate on ur studies, that's more important". This when actually I was very good student. Anyways no point crying over spilt milk.

The good news is my fat consumption is very very low. Still it will be a challenge. I just hope my body will adjust soon enough. When I was younger I used to like sugary stuff. I slowly weaned myself off of it. And it worked. I hardly care for it anymore. To the point that I don't like sweet stuff. I hope the same works for my overall food intake. I am going to rely heavily on my mind to control my body, I don't trust my body as much. I hope I just don't give up.

Got myself weighed. Was very disappointed. In three weeks I have lost only 1.8 lbs. No did not put on muscles. I am to meet Dr.L again next week. Lets see how it goes.

I am supposed to include 3 cups of soy milk in my diet. Dr.L gave me 1.5 gallons of soy milk. If not anything I don't have to go all the way to walmart to buy milk. That's taken care of.

My Dieting Blues - Dr.90210 - Sex and the City

My Dieting Blues: Boy oh Boy. It is hard. Eating the right kind not as much, but eating the right quantity is definitely hard. I set my target at 1350 - 1500 cals. It is hard when u start keeping track of every single bit u take in. I am using my-calorie-counter.com. I don't know if it is just my body and mind rebelling or maybe I should eat more. I am working out about an hr everyday. But I am hungry, have a slight headache especially towards the end of the day. This is making me wonder if I should give myself a little more leeway. I am meeting Dr.L for the calcium study. I am very excited to start the study and more important check my weight on her state of the art weighing machine. I hope I have lost some weight. Will write about it tomorrow.

Dr.90210: I am in awe of this show. I wish I had the kind of money to get plastic surgery done. It would be awesome. I can then fix myself. If I could, I would fix everything from my neck to my knees. If only. Sometimes I think I should make money with the goal of getting the plastic surgery done. Right now I feel like a young beautiful person trapped in a big, ugly , flabby old body. Just Imagine someone in big dirty rags. That's how I feel. And I am sure this is one and only reason I just don't find the ONE. But u know on the flip side may be this a good thing. Because after all this if I find the love of my life, I will actually end up with some one absolutely genuine. One who loves me in the best and the worst. What a paradox isn't it!!!

Sex and the City: I have been thinking about this and no don't laugh. I have had so many crushes ever since I have noticed the existence of the opposite sex. Never one serious relationship. I was wondering what if I write a little something about each of those encounters, if I still remember the details that is. Would it make a good reading. If not for anyone else, would it make me laugh. I am going to try it, sometime ..........Soon.....I guess........

Me Back !

Its been a veryyyyyyyy long time. Well I am back. Had a successful semester,sort of. Did surprisingly well in assembler. A real good boost of confidence. Started a Myspace. Not another blog, cant keep up two when I cant do one. Just to keep in touch with ppl I met at AAC. And yes a year older and none the wiser. Started working out and dieting again. Doing Tae Bo, kind of like Billy Banks. He is like a drill sergeant. It is 45 mins of kickboxing. I am liking it. Atleast for now. I am also going to participate in a calcium - Weightloss study. A little excited about that.

Right now dragging myself to do the correction to my thesis. And yes the topic I have been avoiding, my love life, well I am trying to put it in coma. Well I am getting older but I am tired. Tired of waiting. Sid did call me on my birthday at midnight. But I did not know it was him (He showed up as unknown).
And then again he called me that evening, asked all sorts of question. Covered every damn topic. This how the conversation went:

Him: How are you?
Me: Good.
Him: Happy Birthday
Me: Thanks
Him: Did you do any thing special?
Me: No
Him: didn't you Celebrate?
Me: No
Him: Are you doing your thesis?
Me: Yes
Him: Have you started studying SAP?
Me: Not yet
Him: Are you productive, like during the semester, you did well this semester?
Me: I am trying to be
Him: How are you surviving, do you have enough money? ( Mow that I am not working)
Me: Yes
Him: Are you exercising?
Me: Yes
Him: Are you weighing yourself often
Me: Yes
Him: Are you eating healthy?
Me: Yes, Gave up Rice.
Him: Good
Him: I will let you go,I should go home now.
Me: Are you still at work? ( It was 11 p.m. his time)
Him: Yes
Me: Alright then , Bye
Him: Yes

And that's the end of it. Dint know what to make of it. Just let it go as one of the many exceptions. Oh well, I will get back to work now. And yes ' let fate decide' . Yeah right !!!!!!!!!

A different me

I know, I know, I was supposed to finish catching up, I said in a few hours. Got a little side tracked. I have an idea. I will continue about my trip later. Let me do some talking about the present. Yes, there is a lot of sadness and discontent in my life. And writing my heart out here feels very good. But for a change I wont dwell on my sadness in this post.

I have taken assembler and advanced programming in C++ this semester. School started on Jan 17. I have been a little complacent this semester, which is not good. I am going to get on track this weekend. Have an assignment due on Monday and another due on Tuesday. I am yet to start working, but I am going to finish them both before Monday.

My job search also needs some momentum. The Intel website is still giving me trouble. It is one of my strong desires to work for Intel. It will be like a dream coming true. I have decided that I will join a consultant in May. Its high time I take charge.

I met Dr.M on Jan 17. He said that he has still not started reading my thesis. I hope he does it soon and lets me defend without too much trouble. I am going to give up on it if he is not satisfied or something like that. I cant keep dragging this on for the rest of my life.

One other thing I am happy about it is my fitness regime. Since school started I have been working out very regularly and watching my diet too. I have started doing strength training along with cardio. I have not lost any weight since I have started. For some reason I am not very worried. Never have I done as much strength training as I am doing now. And I have a feeling that I am building muscle , hence the no difference in weight. I also feel less pressured this time. I am doing this just for myself this time. I don't have a deadline, I am not doing it to please anybody, I have not set any time or weight goal. I think I am doing all the right things and yes I do slip sometimes. But that's fine. I will do what I have too and not care about the result. No point in stressing myself out or getting obsessed. I am also cooking quite a bit. Cooking is therapeutic and yes not spending money on eating out is also good. I found milled flax. Using it quite a bit. Adding a lot of milk to my diet. I have also subscribed to an online journal which will help me keep track of my weight, diet and exercise. It costs 5 dollars per month. It has a calorie and nutrient counter and many such tools. It will be fun.

J is leaving on Tuesday. I will miss her. And yes I am thinking of getting off anti-Depressants. Their long time effects seem to be really bad. Dependency, Sexual dysfunction etc. And if stopped after long use, the withdrawal symptoms are too bad. I better stop now. I have not taken it today. Lets see how it goes.

alright then I will get back to assembler. Will be back soon. Maybe tomorrow...

One of my favourites

Truly Madly Deeply
Savage Garden
(Savage Garden)

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on

A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish to send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of

The highest powers
In lonely hours
The tears devour you

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right here before you
All that you need will surely come

I'll be your dream I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to live like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

Catching UP!

I know it has been a very long time. I was busy I think. Or may be not, I was just not in the mood. Here I am. I have loads to write about. Many significant and not so significant things have happened. Let me begin where I left. As planned I left for Seattle on Jan 6. The planning and shopping was very cool. J took me shopping. I bought some cool stuff. That was fun.I also got my haircut. I dint intend to make it any shorter but thats how it turned out. But I think it looked alright.Sid teased me real bad over the phone when I told him.Finally the day came. My flight was at 7. I left home at 1:30 as I had to take the Greyhound to Chicago and the only bus was at 2:40. And I was extremely mad at Sid. He had not called all morning that day.And I was fuming. I expected him to check with me if I had taken everything. But no. That didnt happen. Finally he calls me at 2:00 p.m. I let him know that I am mad. He had some excuse that he was busy or something like that. Maybe he was busy.

Anyways I was feeling a strange kind of nervousness. It was not like I am meeting him for the first time. Anyways I got to the airport on time. And Sid made sure he checked on me regularly. And the flight was delayed by more than an hour. It was a 4.5 hr journey. I read for an hour, I slept for a couple of hours and I cried for for close to an hour. I was by the window looking out to a clear sky with stars everywhere and I couldnt help but cry. Cried for all things I wanted and will never have, Cried for all things that could have happened and never did. It was good thing it was the middle of the night and everyone next to me was asleep and I was with my face towards the window. I was a very peaceful experience, just me, the sky and the stars.

Finally my plane landed. I didnt know what to expect. He was to meet me at the Baggage claim but it was a big airport. I called him and was trying to look for him. And he was right behind me. I got a big hug. And he liked my hair. I could see that he like it. That felt real good. I let him carry all my stuff. We got into his car. He asked me if he is to give me the kiss he owed. And I said ofcourse not.

Anyways it was a nice ride home. He had gotten samosas for me. I had one and we retired for the night. I couldnt sleep, he dozed off. I was tossing and turning. Tried to read, tried all sorts of things. Finally I slept at 6 a.m. And then he made me tea in the morning, he had also made tapioca for me. Introduced me to his roommate. He was a pretty good guy too. And then I dressed and all was good. But what was I thinking, could I be happy for long. NO.

I will continue in a few hours .......

What's Ahead!

Sorry for the delay. Like all things was postponing this too. Anyways the good news is got A's in both courses last semester. Bad news is everything else.

Have off until Jan 2. I don't look forward to going to work on Jan 3. The last week M made my life miserable. Anyways I have decided to think less of her. Come Jan 3, she is a necessary evil anyways. Why spoil my mood now itself. I have enough going on as it is.

Prem wrote to me today. He is getting married to Esther on Jan 16. I wish him the very best. The little I know him, he is a very good guy. Very down to earth, very simple, humble, unpretentious and reasonable. And what he has told me of Esther, she seems to be like him too. I feel very happy for him. He is one of the success stories of s.c. I have kind of known him since he first started speaking to Easther. She is pretty, they make a perfect match.Good Luck and Best wishes and all happiness to them.

Will be flying to Seattle on Jan 6. This maybe the last time I will meet Sid. I want to savor every moment of it. But I am not sure if I will. I am with him all the time. I just hope after I come back I don't feel terribly sad and depressed. Well we will see about that, wont we.

Finally!!! I am done! Atleast for now!

Finished my finals today. I am not sure if I did well. I hope I get a good grade. Getting As in both will be cool. I not sure if C++ will be curved. I am curious about it because it is so ambiguous. I don't even want to think about it. I don't care. I don't know what the policy for curving is. Now that exams are done I should start planning my rest of the winter.

I am at AAC now. I was hoping to get out of here by 6:30. Doesn't look like it. M wants me to stay. She was the one who said I can leave at 6:30. Well she is the boss.Anyways I get outta here whenever I get out. But I am tired for sure. My back is aching too. I have been sitting and studying since Saturday. Maybe that's why.

Yesterday something interesting happened.Over the weekend myself and Sid have had some interesting exchanges which was border line argument. And yesterday he said something and I started yelling at him. Well he was commenting about something and I din't like it. He realized it even as he was saying. He finished the sentence with a sorry. And I started yelling. He went completely silent. It was funny. And then he says "I think we are losing each other". For someone who hears this, it may seem like we are breaking up or something. But it was endearing, in a very weird way. He sounded so sad. And I think he felt worse when I dint give a reply. As if I also think so. Maybe I don't think so, but I wanted him to think that. Maybe he is right. I get sadistic pleasure in hurting people who like me.

And then after he said that I just changed the topic to something very random. I am not sure if he has made his decision yet. But I am in no mood to care about it anymore. Then he called to wake me up this morning and then again after my exam and then again while he was leaving for home. As if he was trying to make amends. Well I don't mind. I will just enjoy it while it stays. I guess !!!

Approaching an end !

Its December already. Very soon the semester is going to come to an end. Monday and Tuesday are my exams. And then I will done for this semester. May be end of my student life. I hope so. I gave my thesis to my prof to look it over. Hopefully all goes well and I am able to defend in January. I am so ready to get done with it. Like I said earlier I am curious about my life, my future. I think anything will be better than now.Your guess is as good as mine. Lets see.


And another thing. I think my association with Sid wont be for long. He is edging towards making a decision. At some point this is to happen. And I think I am preparing myself real well. Yesterday when he was telling me about his indecision, I was surprised at myself I dint feel much of anything. Maybe I have started accepting it. Thats good isnt it. I dont know myself. Maybe I will grieve and mourn the loss.But what about Vinnci's parents , Justin's parents. What about them. If they can survive I can too. My loss is definitely not close to theirs.

Anyways now I have to plan my future. I like planning. It is cool. I also promised Sid to find him an apartment. He is very busy next week. After tuesday I wont be that busy anyways. I will find him a good apartment. This will be my last gift to him. I am also very doubtful if I will visit him. I am not sure if I will be comfortable. Lets see.

Life on a treadmill !!

I have been so busy lately. And I like it.Last Tuesday was a deadline for three things and I met them all. I felt really proud of myself. I thought I will do lots of things over the Thanksgiving break too. But for the past three days have done nothing. Should get done with my assignment and read my thesis atleast once. On monday I want to take a copy of my writing and the code, put it in a folder and give it to my prof. I have not met him for so long. He will read through the whole thing and suggest changes. I hope all this done before school starts in Jan and I can defend my thesis in Jan. I am so ready to get done with it and move on. I am in desperate need of a change. I seem to be thinking of it all the time. And I get very emotional when I think or speak about it.

I wish I can motivate myself to write more often. It is such a release.

Since thursday I have been on the phone with Sid continously. We talk a lot. I will miss him a lot when he goes away. And the end seems very near. I know I should brace myself. But it isnt easy. It has never been easy. I dont know if I will survive. We'll see. It has happened before. I survived. It will be little harder this time.

Sometimes I am so curious about my future. I know things will change. Because right now things are not stable. Everything thing in nature eventually comes to a stable state. Eventually attains equilibrium. I hope my life also follows this principle.

There it happens again !

Once again I am here. The result of my own actions. Sometimes the person who seems so close to you becomes so rude. Very hurtful, very very hurtful. And then behaves as if everything is normal when it is obvious it is not. So obvious. I am partly to blame for this situation. I should have just shut up, just not participated in the conversation. It is amazing how everyone else but me seems to control my life. I would be so happy if I could completely, absolutely control my life, my feelings, my thinking. Is it too much to ask. All I am asking is control over my OWN life. Nobody else's but just me.

Or maybe all of it is my imagination. I read one of my favorite editors columns yesterday. She married a few months ago. She was talking about all the marital advice she and her husband get from people all the time. And one such advice they are trying to follow which seem to work all the time.

Here is what she says "A lot of times, you'll say something to each other that could be taken a couple of different ways. Chances are, one of those ways will really offend you. Take it the other way."

I thought about it a lot. Time and again Sid says this too. He says give people benefit of doubt. Try not to victimize yourself even before you become a victim. All this makes sense doesn't it. I know this, if only I can practice it too. It will make things easier for me. Maybe I should pretend there is no pr0blem. Tell myself I am cooking it up. A concoction of my mind and nothing more.
what's the worse that can happen. I maybe wrong, what the heck if I am wrong, I might feel miserable. I am not feeling great now either. So better late than now.

I find my mind hardest to train. Like I said no control what so ever. Maybe I should do something about it. I wish there was a way. Lets see,how hard it gets. Maybe another visit to the cemetery.