Scoop out my soul..

I heard those dreaded words and all the emptiness and pain returned. What do you call it when you don’t want to have it and you don’t want anyone else to have it either? Is it case of sour grapes, you are sure you cannot have it, so you assure yourself it is not good for you, you assure yourself you would not be happy with it and when it is in someone else’s reach. You just can’t bear. The want and the pain returns. The pain mentioned in poetry, in songs is real. For a long time I though the pain is a metaphor for loss and disappointment. Yes and Yes. Yes there is loss and disappointment and yes there is literal physical pain. As if someone has used a giant scoop to scoop out your heart, your soul leaving behind a gaping hole. Nothing seems to fill the hole. No amount of anger, no amount of resentment. And I realized something else. I realized why people drink when they are sad, why they do drugs. All this to escape to a state of oblivion. I thought of the Tylenol PM I had. Maybe that could take me to place where it dint matter and help me stay there for sometime. But I couldn't get myself to try it. I lashed out when I heard, I lashed out without any reason, just to vent my anger, my disappointment, my grief, my loss and my helplessness. What else is there to do? The tears which were not needed for a long time now found their way back as if they had never left. Haven’t you heard of all those fail to get someone wished them good things anyways? I ain’t that good of heart. I cannot wish for happiness when I am so miserable. I am not so generous. I don’t want the other to be happy at the cost of my unhappiness. I wish him all the worst; I wish him unhappiness and discontent. I wish him disappointment. And I don’t want to know about it. I want him to suffer but I don’t want to know about it. I want to have another chance to lash out another chance to call names or maybe I don’t even want to speak. My sense of self-pity and helplessness returns. Why always me?

I haven’t received the receipt; this state of uncertainty is taking its toll on me. I am trying so hard not to turn to food. I am losing something so dear to me why can’t I at least have this. Maybe a temporary sense of Euphoria will distract me. Oh dear tears please don’t start again. Not now not here. Because I know once you take over me, every moment I will live in pain, in misery and in dread

What do your comments say about you ?

Do you ever read the comments at the end of news articles. I do. What do you think about them or do you pay any attention to them at all?

I visit rediff.com a lot. I am not a big fan of this site. I hate the pop-ups and misleading headlines. Still more than once a day I do go there more out of habit than to get any news. And yes I am guilty of going to the entertainment section before anyplace else. I hardly watch any bollywood movies still I like to read about movies. And accompanying these articles and slide shows are the readers comments.

Here are a few of my observations: Whatever be the topic of discussion it will somehow boil down to back and forth messages about north Vs South, Hindus Vs Muslims, Good English Vs Bad English, pro-Aishwarya Vs anti-Aishwarya, loads of name calling and more than a few commenting how rediff should stop reporting about such useless news and there is so much better and more important news to report out there.

Why are we like this. For instances none of the comments of yahoo articles have such name calling or anything directed towards fellow readers. If Yahoo readers disagree with the authors. That's what they say and also add their two cents about why they disagree. But rediff is a totally different story.

Whenever movies are discussed for sure someone says how south Indian movies are superior and a north Indian calls him 'Idli-Sambar' and comment on how the south Indian actors are dark, fat and ugly. The south Indian replies back with a nasty comment.

If a Muslim reader,Muslim not based on his opinion but his name, were to offer an opinion. Somehow the topic gets twisted and turned and gets to terrorism and how the Muslims should go live in Pakistan.

And then there are comments about each others English, spelling, grammar and intention, nothing is spared. Here again there are various combinations of insults like whose English is better, the North India Vs South India conflict.

Aishwarya Rai is a category by herself. What with her wedding and all. Its like she is too beautiful to be good so she must be bad. Her intentions must be bad, how she prostrates at Tirupati is an issue, how she holds a banana or drapes a Saree is an issue.

Why Why Why
We are a country, but why are we so divided at least those readers are. All regions and religions have co-existed for centuries. Did we live with this prejudice and hatred all this time or is it just getting worse. Why does the color of our skin matter, why how our actors look matter.What if the English is bad, it is not even our language.I am guilty of this myself. Maybe one of the reasons is I am so comfortable with the language that I would want everyone including me to be good at it. Why don't we just leave Aishwarya Rai alone. I am not at all a fan of her, for that matter I am a fan of no actor or actress. And beyond all this rediff has pages and pages of news about everything. One does not find any comments for articles about our economic growth or foreign policy. By the way why click on the article named "Salman without a shirt" and gripe about how bad he is, or about him being a Muslim or even rediff for there so much more important news than this to report. Well, why click on the link at all.

And last but not the least. Why should I read those comments. Well I have stopped. Instead of getting frustrated at my fellow readers I just resist my urge to scroll to the bottom of the page to the comments !!!!

"Who moved my Cheese ?"

Sid wanted me to read this book for sometime now. It is a simple yet inspirational story, all in metaphors, the kind I like. It is a small book that can be completed in an hour or so but it consists of so many things that one can relate too.

In it cheese is a metaphor for all things we want, be it a better job, better life, better relationship, better health or just a better self or anything for that matter which, when had we think it would make us happy. But when we get what we want, atleast when I get what I want I become complacent and not only that I also take for granted what I got.

These are the things the story and the underlying motive behind the story warns us about. And when things dont go my way I complain, that is when I dont get my cheese I complain, sulk, get depressed. But time and again I have seen for myself that in the end I have always gotten better cheese. I am unhappy that I did not graduate earlier, but if I had I would not have been working in the field I am now, which I enjoy, not in the company I am with, which I like and not for the boss I am working for, from whom I get to learn so much.

All my failed relationships, in retrospect failed for the best, I cannot imagine myself being with any of those people.

Also I am very resistant to change, dont want to move myself from my comfort zone. One good example for that is the job I had with M. Instead of just continuing with her I could have made an effort to go look for a new assistantship in another department. And most other departments had better paying jobs and would have been less taxing in terms of time as well as emotional well being.

Another lesson I learned and I am yet to put into practice is not to take myself seriously. I take myself way too seriously, I should just lighten up a little bit and goof around. Laugh at myself and let go of negative emotions.

I know all this is not going to happen overnight, and it wont be easy to steer way from my comfort zone of emotions even if they are negative. I just hope I make the concious effort...Good Luck to meeeeeeeee

"Dont work so much"

I was told this today by my Boss. I am not sure how to take it. I have gotten into the habit of trying to finish off the things I start during the day well into the evening. Today my Boss told me, if it is not crucial conserve your energy.There is no need to do stuff in the evenings.

How shall I take it. Is it him being an effective manager or is there anything not so good behind it.

Happiness: Circumstances Vs State of Mind

Happiness : a state of well-being and contentment (Merriam-Webster)

"In the Nicomachean Ethics, written in 350 B.C.E., Aristotle stated that happiness is the only thing that humans desire for its own sake. He observed that men sought riches not for the sake of being rich, but to be happy. Those who sought fame desired it not to be famous, but because they believed fame would bring them happiness." (Wikipedia)

I have often observed myself in this context. What makes me happy and what all makes me sad.

If I go by the definition of the state of well-being and contentment and go by its literal meaning, then it is not the same. I have always been in a state of well-being, good health, comfortable life-style, but contentment. Never. Atleast not for an extended period of time. It is so easy for me to be sad. To want things out of life and want some more than to say enough.

I wish for things, and when I get them I am not as happy as I imagine I would be. Case in point my degree. I have wanted it forever, but when I finally had it in my hand, I was not ecstatic like I thought I would be. Why is it. Aristotle's thoughts about hapiness seems to partially apply. Yes, happiness for its one sake but after achieving things does that result in hapiness, no.

The only thing that has made me truly happy ever are children, water and woods.I am a very materialistic person still like all such things I want them and once I get them it loses its value.

So in all this am I unhappy because I still have so many things that I want and dont have or is it just me. My own real and perceived insecutrities. My own fear and mistrust. My inability to find joy in what I have and the ability to want everything I dont have adds to my worries.

I know anti-depressants can work wonders on me, but I am very prone to addiction. I dont want to start something I cannot handle.

Until I find happiness I think I should just keep myself busy with my pursuit of happiness....... Or like the PROMISES Message I found in my DOVE candy "Don't think about it so much"

"Me Proposes GOD Disposes"

Many a times, I ask for things which I have no say in and I am turned down, most probably for my own good, hence the title of this blog.

A at work is leaving and I was eager to see who would replace him. I never liked A, he is a pompous, fellow who likes to gloat and has host of other qualities I don't like. So, I was looking forward to see whom I would to get to work with. And as luck would have it, it is MA. Here is a little background about MA.

He was one of the guys who was trained with me. In the beginning I got along with him quite well and thought it would be a good and mutually beneficial professional association. But no. That was not to be. He said things like "You should have just stuck to engineering, I don't think you would do good in Computers", "You do not have any experience, how do you expect yourself to understand these things" what does he expect of someone straight out of college,these and many such comments pissed me off big time. I think part of his attitude can be attributed to the fact that he comes form a remote part of Pak where women do not have much of a say and one doesn't expect them to do anything more than run a household and make babies. As if that was an easy task in itself. Anyways this kind of attitude is a big no-no with me, and I just cannot stand it. By the end of the training he had to eat his words, I finished my training project much before everyone, gave my final presentation much better than everyone, and was placed before anyone else. I was prepared to forget his very existence... but like I said "me proposes and GOD disposes"

He did a couple of short term stints, and with A leaving and he becoming available my firm decided to send him here.

Well, now that he is here, I think I just have to deal with it. Probably this is one of TLC kind "Life Lessons" where I deal with people I don't like on a daily basis with out losing my cool. Sid, said just that. For now I have decided to ignore him, of course I can be nothing but be polite (until I am provoked to my face).

I know I sound mean and all, but trust me I am not going to hurt him in anyway its just that I can not forgive nor forget people who have wronged me or looked down on me ....

Anti-Climax

Finally I got my Master's degree in my hand. It was not sent on the Jan 25 like I was told but the Feb 5. It was a bit of an anti-climax though. I did not feel this ecstasy like I thought I would. I am glad it is finally here, but my level of happiness did not match up. I expected myself to be out of this world happy, jumping with joy, rather I was just glad it was over. Now the next thing would be getting the VISA, hope thats uneventfull too.

P's wishes came true yesterday. I finally made friends with a neighbour family. It was nice. And they have little son. The lady is nice and down to earth. I am glad I met them. There was this false fire alarm last night and the building was evacuated. Thats how we met.

I am back at work, bruise and all. Yes, had a bizzare fall a couple of days ago that left me with a black eye and a cut lip. And I looked worst than I felt. I am just glad to be back at work.

Downtime ..... Catching up

The last two weeks when my boss, D was on vacation, where so hectic. And I enjoyed every bit of it. The stress, the excitement, the sense of accomplishment, everything.

I like my work. I truly do. I get to learn new things everyday. I just want to learn more. Besides work, nothing much going on.

The weather is bad, and me being a new driver, I get anxious sometimes. Especially this morning, temperature in teens, with snow last night was a bad combination. I don't mind temperatures even in single digits. Just that it snowed and froze. It dint help that I had a bad case of cold and sore throat. Was up the whole night and my TV was tuned to the weather channel of all things. So many accidents were being reported on the roads I take to work, because even the anti-skid something and salt were put, because of the low temperature it just refreezes. I am no stranger to bad winter weather, having lived in Illinois until recently. But I seem to pay more attention to it now then before.

I was half a mind to take the day off, not as much the cold weather but my cold. Somehow I dint want to stay home.

There is train dock close to my home. I hardly notice it as it hardly makes any noise. But last night at about 10 there was this loud train honk and ambulance sirens. My first thought was someone hit by the train. And I was right, heard it on the news someone was in fact killed, "no foul play suspected". I would like to think I have awesome intuition.

I am still waiting for my degree. It was sent on Jan 25, it has not reached me yet. My dad some papers from India on Jan 31 and I got them on Feb 3rd. He was asking me why would it take so long within US. If only I could understand my University and the repeatedly lamented about, grad school. I called them last week, spoke to this lady Pat who is the main contact person about the certificates.She could not give me anything more than the single syllable answers which is a regular feature of our grad school. Especially when the student who calls happens to have a non-American accent.

The conversion went something like this

Me: There is a typo in my address.

Her: OK

Me: So.... is there a way to track

Her: No

Me: Can you do something about it?

Her: No

Me: Should I just wait and see if it comes?

Her: Yes

Her: 1-2 weeks, if it cannot be delivered it will come back. I saw your email and got you corrected address. We will send it again.

Me: Thanks

I could not believe it she spoke three whole sentences. I could not believe it, it takes 1-2 weeks for it travel from IL - PA (a distance of about 800 miles. Well, I have waited for for so many years and few more days will not kill me .......

Study Subject : Me, Moi, Myself

PREJUDICE:
1)preconceived judgment or opinion (2)an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge : an instance of such judgment or opinion : an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics


There are a few things I like about myself, a few I dont and few more I think I should hate but dont seem to care. One such things is my prejudice.

I seem to be full of it. I am not sure when and how I developed it. I dont think I had as much of it in high school or maybe I did. I am not sure. As such this is something negative, but this one of those negatives I dont conciously think about or care.

For instance I seem to have loads of prejudice against people who dont dress well, who are not articulate, whom I think of as not smart enough. All according to my standard. What amazes me most is my prejudice against people who I think are not good looking. I am surprised, this coming from me. I have always hated the fact that people judge me by my looks. And still I am no different. I remember Ann my counselor say one day, that I am like her mother I judge people. I didnt mind then and I dont mind now. Still it seems to bother albeit a little just a little...

End of year update

Here it is. Still sane, put on a few pounds ... yes i know it sounds horrible. Liking my BABY so far. The truth is I get doubts, serious ones. Like should I have gone for a smaller car. A Toyota Corolla perhaps, maybe a Camry or the Indian fave Honda civic. Or save the world with a Hybrid and not my Gas guzzling RAV4, which roars and grunts in turns. Warm it a little bit and runs pretty smooth. And If i start without warm up time it sulks like a cranky baby just out of bed. Getting carried away, am I not. Anyways I am getting a little comfortable,Sid said 3 months before u get comfortable, and it has been only 25 days since I have had it. So I'll just wait and watch.

Haven't heard from grad school yet. Was getting worried. Sid said I should check with Snez. This guy is always there when I need him the most and gives me just the right advice. Anyways chatted with Snez. She dint get hers yet too. And she had turned it more than a week before me. Carol dint write back either. And she always does. I am assuming univ. is in the vacation mode. I vividly remember last year this time, I was so happy for the break from Evil M.

Hope the next year brings prosperity, Luck and Love. Yes, In the exact same order. Prosperity because it is payback time, I mean debts. Luck, So that nothing out of the ordinary goes wrong, My baby is safe and sound, Cannot afford higher insurance nor a blow to my slowly building confidence in driving and Love. Yes, an after thought. Don't really seem to be in need of it anymore. Yeah sounds cynical but really I dont see the need for anyone In my life. I am sound and happy on my own. Even Sid, about whom I have said more than once, He just has to ask and I am all his. Nope slowly but surely moving away from the notion. I have been hero worshipping and only now started looking at him as a peer. Though he is still and will be my best friend, mentor and guide. I have been constantly questioning my beliefs.

Will write next year ..... yes very cheesy.....

Much needed update

Finally I get an opportunity to catch up. And I better take it. So many new experiences, so much to write. I better start lest I never finish :-)

Got my license, got a job. I am out of Illinois and I miss it. Moved to PA less than a month ago. Started working NOV 5. I am enjoying what I am doing and hopefully I will continue to do so.

Got myself an apartment on the 14th floor, no less. Hopefully get my baby ... ahem... I mean my car this weekend. I am a little nervous, have been driving for just over a month now. But read and heard nothing like practice to build your confidence. Hopefully I will get enough practice on my new car without causing any harm to my baby (ofcourse the CAR), to any other livingthing including me.

Problems with driving as of now, classic, changing lanes, merging from an alley and the ever present parking. If only the spots were wider or better still give the whole parking lot to me. Hopefully I will start getting comfortable soon.

My thesis has not been read or gotten back to me yet. Hope everything is fine. One last thing to worry about my thesis. Hope it gets out of the way soon.

Let me tell you something very interesting. Can you guess who inspired me to get to my Blog today. Nope You cannot. It is Bipasha Basu. Yes the actress. Was going through rediff and found her blog. And she writes as beautiful as she is.

I will try to write as often as possible. One should just not write about only bad things right .

End of a Marathon

It is done finally. My thesis is done, the defense went well. And it is yet to sink in. I still cannot believe I have successfully completed it. Sid and my parents seem to be more happy than I am. Finally I will have my degree. Thank you God, thank you mom for praying so much for me, and thank you all the stars in my life who brighten my path.

I am back in N. I am still not focused. I want to the best in everything i do. God make things work for me.

My Vice

One of my many Vices, which I have always had but never thought about as much is my tendency to complain and complain and complain some more.

My work is going good, but it has its own set of ridges. Not the work itself, I am kind of enjoying it, but the people I work with. I am starting to hate lazy, ignorant people. And I recognize this is not a good thing.I think I am getting more and more impatient with people who do not match my expections. Intellectually and otherwise. It seems like the only people I admire anymore are people who work hard, who are intelligent, smart and always on top of things. It is one thing to admire such people, but to dislike others is not a good.

I think I should start making a concious effort to be extra nice to anyone and everyone. Because all these negative feelings are not doing me any good either. I hear myself complaining a lot. To anyone and everyone within hearing distance. That cant be good. I keep continuing that, ppl will dislike me like I dislike some.

God, give me the strength and patience to fix myself.

Wheels are Turning

Finally there is loads of activity in my life. Many new beginnings and many more old endings. I dont know if what i said is right, it makes sense to me.

Ramadan has started, so has my hijab. Had a very intresting talk about hijab with Dr.M. Well I think I should stick to it, one way or the other. Atleast it is not a sin, I have no feeling of guilt. My fasting is also going well. My OPT is here, just have to go pick it up. The i-94 is here too. My thesis date has been set tentatively.

I hope and pray everything goes fine. I know there are a few things I am not happy about, with myself. It has to do with my thesis, but I have come so far, to go back now will be devastating, but then I also feel guilty about it.

I hope these mistakes of mine are forgiven and I am allowed to move on to the next level by God. I will try to do a perfect job of anything I take up in future.

And I hope I stay on the right path.

Screenshot of my Life

Let me start this blog with a little bit of philosophy - my kind of philosophy

I am coming to believe that the more we know, the more there is to learn. One can never quit being a student, and if you do, you quit growing.The first and most important virtue of a student should be humility. You have to feel humble, think humble, speak humble and act humble. And it irritates me no end when someone does not behave humble.

This is what is happening with the people around me at work. We are all in a learning process, and if you are an expert you don't belong in the class room. I am doing installations. Many things creep up. The best and most accurate solutions to my queries are given by people who brag the least.

I hope I never lose my humility at any stage of my life.

I am looking forward to Ramadan. Will start wearing Hijab. I am excited and happy about my decision. I hope I find the strength to follow thru with it. This might be the biggest life style change I ever make. I hope God accepted my repentance for my sins. I am also happy with my prayers. At last I am praying regularly.

Sid is back. I told him about the Hijab and he told me 'If that makes you happy, do it'. And I think my prayers are being answered about making him get back on track with his spirituality . He is also thinking about reclaiming his faith. He admitted to it and asked if I had anything to do with it. I said yes, I have been hoping and praying for it for a year now.

And I have a lot of proving to do. At work a couple of people are in not so many words challenging me. I am learning but I want to be good enough to out do them. I hope God gives me the strength, the will and the patience.

Blast from the Past

Had an interesting conversation a couple of days ago. Got an email out of the blue from R. I was surprised and curious. I had not responded to his earlier email. It said something about him moving on, and wanting to apologise for having hurt me. I agreed to talk.

Got a call next day. He is moving on and getting married. And he did not seem too happy about it. He is getting married to a divorcee with a six year old kid. And this according to him is the compromise he was making. God save that lady, and give her the patience to deal with his attitude.

And he dint seem very apologetic, but maybe he wanted to see if I wanted to get back together. Nope, that aint going to happen. The conversation once again made it crystal clear how immature he is, and I cannot thank God enough for destining me out of that situation.

My belief in 'Qadar' is increasing and making things way more easier.

How to get a ride and dinner ?

I hardly laugh these days. This ad got a chuckle out of me, I thought I would share. This was an ad for some kind of alcoholic drink.

Two guys get drunk and need dinner and a ride home. They go to a pizza place order a pizza for delivery, ride along with the delivery boy, reach home, psy for the pizza.

Howzzat.....

On the Crest

Every experience in my life had a purpose. I learnt what to do from some, I learnt what not do from some. However good or bad I felt at the end of experience I always learnt something from it at the end of the day. Sid was/is on such experience and Sid's presence motivated me to working towards realizing my potential. The last couple of years of this association has given me the motivation to work hard. A craving for learning, a craving for excellence. And I have seen and I am still seeing the results. I might lose him soon, if I havent aleardy. Still I am greatful for his presence.

At my training I am one of the best. I am able to learn with ease the most difficult of things and that is a result of the CS courses I had taken. And the motivation to work hard for them came directly from the support I got from Sid.

It is a nice feeling when one is in a group of people and the group admires you. I am happy for the situation I am in.

And then again I dont want to attribute is this to me alone. That will be taking pride.

Update -- la mia Vita

Time for an update. It been a while. I have been kind of busy. Settling in. Did a lot of walking these last couple of days. Sid has gone home. I hope he returns as he went. And I hope he doesn't meet her. I cant be the selfless person. I will be the first to admit. Anyways I hope to keep myself very busy. My training has started. It is challenging and I want to ace the challenges. I want to be the best among my colleagues. I hope I can keep the enthusiasm to the finish.

I told my dad about my missing documents. I hope he can get a replacement. I am trying to be extremely positive and praying as hard as possible for all the uncertainty to resolve. I want a stretch of success in every aspect from now on. I want to focus and focus hard, pray and pray hard. I have to a great extent removed every distraction from my path to success, I think.

I have too much of a conscience. And it was bugging me that I am committing sins and hence the troubles in life. Having gotten rid of the source of sin has put me in a positive mode. Now even if things go wrong I wont kick myself. Atleast I would have kept my side of the deal.

I have a test next Friday and I want to give a stellar performance. I want to be the best among my colleagues. Please God help me. And yes I joined a gym close to work. For the first time I am paying for the Gym. Hope I get results.

DK.........NapV....

Finally found a place to live. I like it. A little inconvenient but atleast I am not imposing on anybody. I am thankful to God for this place. And I am very thankful to Suku and Ash.They have been such a huge help and for their good wishes. I guess I am not absolutely peopleless.I hope everything from now on works well.

I have unpacked and everything is in place. But I was very tired last night and slept most of today. Was feeling a little lonely. I have never lived alone though I always wanted to. And for some reason I am very hungry all the time and yes missing Sid a lot. But somehow cannot get myself to call. The question being what about when he is not around.

Anyways I will get thru.