Miracles !!! If only they could happen

What we see is what we believe or is it what we believe is what we see. When you are in a certain state of mind, that state colors everything else around us. Atleast this is what happens to me. I observe myself a lot. I have, always.

I went to a Multi-cultural show in school today. I went there unwillingly but thoroughly enjoyed. Maybe not thoroughly, atleast to some extent. Felt very lonely in the crowd. Well I have not many friends here. And the ones I have were busy. Felt a little out of place. Still I enjoyed the performances. Then went to work. Was with Sid most of the time. There was an after party.wanted to go but could not. Told Sid about the party, he dint seem pleased. No it is not what you think. He doesnot object to my going to a party. He is just a little concerned with where I am going with my priorities. But, I asked him and he agreed that after I finish up with my thesis, I would go to S and we will go dancing. I love dancing. And I am looking forward to it.Maybe this will propel me.

Came home and Su gave me a couple of Tamil movies. I dint want to study. Could have but dint want to. Watched one. And this is what triggered me to write. I observe myself a lot. It is almost like I am another person constantly able to read my mind. I have observed that my environment greatly influences my thought process and then my thinking also influences what I see. At the show , the dances made me happy, excited, excited enough to want to go dancing

And then the movie. It felt so close to my heart. It was as if I was one of the characters. Going through the same things I am going through. But then it is a story. Stories can be influced can life be . Maybe not . Why maybe. Ofcourse not. But then can I hope for a miracle. A little hope, a ray of light at the end of the tunel. Am I being greedy. Am I setting myself up for another trip to the cemetry. Yeah maybe I am , but then the path to the cemetry is beautiful. It is worth it, is it. I feels so now . What happens when I reach. I dont know what to think and what not. Maybe I should just stop thinking and be prepared, maybe even look forward to it. My trip to the cemetry . Maybe it is not so bad. Maybe it is proof of my happiness before I reach there.

Have lots to do today, i say that everyday

Today i feel a little better than yesterday. Maybe I have gotten used to the fact that Sid wont be around for long.Yet the resentment and feeling of being treated unfairly remains. C'mon it was just a gene that triggered, it could have as well been otherwise. But who am I to questions the designs over which I have no control.

Yes I wish it was other wise, but yes I could and so many others could wish for so many things. All day yesterday I was thinking of her and thinking how lucky she is. Does she have the slightest hint of what great happiness, what pleasant surprise awaits her. My life seems to go in circles, maybe everybodys does.

But when it comes to me I seem to walk around to the same Sad spot. It happened last year , it happened the year before and the one before.And now again I am approaching it.

It is like I start walking down the hills, in the meadows, in the woods and when things start looking beautiful and I start enjoying I come across a cemetery.

And I just can't pass thru this cemetery without burying anything. I have to bury something. And that something are my feelings.All the happiness I felt during my stroll in the meadows,hills and woods need to be buried.I no longer can keep them with me, they are no longer alive.If I dont bury them they will just rot.

And then I grieve the loss of those moments. I become an emotional wreck. I cry. I cry whenever even the thought of my loss crosses my mind.

Right now I am that emotional wreck. In the past the pain and loneliness has dulled with time, I have moved on in search of newer experiences. I hope the same happens this time too. But I am sure it will be more difficult this time. I have much more invested than before.

But really why me.Why always me. Nature has been very cruel to me, God has been very cruel to me. Why couldnt i be like everyone else.

Well , I think this will be a handicap that I will suffer with for the rest of my life, and should the rest of my life be long time. Maybe I should set a deadline and revisit and plan how long should the rest of life be.

later

Wanted to do this for so looooooooooong!

Hi Everyone,
I have been wanting to start blogging for quite sometime now. Things have not been very good with me lately. I thought I needed to share my life with someone, or atleast pretend that someone is interested.

Well, about my self, I am 25 year old living in the US for the past 4 years. Still in school.But not for long I hope.Getting my masters.

More later