Have lots to do today, i say that everyday

Today i feel a little better than yesterday. Maybe I have gotten used to the fact that Sid wont be around for long.Yet the resentment and feeling of being treated unfairly remains. C'mon it was just a gene that triggered, it could have as well been otherwise. But who am I to questions the designs over which I have no control.

Yes I wish it was other wise, but yes I could and so many others could wish for so many things. All day yesterday I was thinking of her and thinking how lucky she is. Does she have the slightest hint of what great happiness, what pleasant surprise awaits her. My life seems to go in circles, maybe everybodys does.

But when it comes to me I seem to walk around to the same Sad spot. It happened last year , it happened the year before and the one before.And now again I am approaching it.

It is like I start walking down the hills, in the meadows, in the woods and when things start looking beautiful and I start enjoying I come across a cemetery.

And I just can't pass thru this cemetery without burying anything. I have to bury something. And that something are my feelings.All the happiness I felt during my stroll in the meadows,hills and woods need to be buried.I no longer can keep them with me, they are no longer alive.If I dont bury them they will just rot.

And then I grieve the loss of those moments. I become an emotional wreck. I cry. I cry whenever even the thought of my loss crosses my mind.

Right now I am that emotional wreck. In the past the pain and loneliness has dulled with time, I have moved on in search of newer experiences. I hope the same happens this time too. But I am sure it will be more difficult this time. I have much more invested than before.

But really why me.Why always me. Nature has been very cruel to me, God has been very cruel to me. Why couldnt i be like everyone else.

Well , I think this will be a handicap that I will suffer with for the rest of my life, and should the rest of my life be long time. Maybe I should set a deadline and revisit and plan how long should the rest of life be.

later