Life on a treadmill !!

I have been so busy lately. And I like it.Last Tuesday was a deadline for three things and I met them all. I felt really proud of myself. I thought I will do lots of things over the Thanksgiving break too. But for the past three days have done nothing. Should get done with my assignment and read my thesis atleast once. On monday I want to take a copy of my writing and the code, put it in a folder and give it to my prof. I have not met him for so long. He will read through the whole thing and suggest changes. I hope all this done before school starts in Jan and I can defend my thesis in Jan. I am so ready to get done with it and move on. I am in desperate need of a change. I seem to be thinking of it all the time. And I get very emotional when I think or speak about it.

I wish I can motivate myself to write more often. It is such a release.

Since thursday I have been on the phone with Sid continously. We talk a lot. I will miss him a lot when he goes away. And the end seems very near. I know I should brace myself. But it isnt easy. It has never been easy. I dont know if I will survive. We'll see. It has happened before. I survived. It will be little harder this time.

Sometimes I am so curious about my future. I know things will change. Because right now things are not stable. Everything thing in nature eventually comes to a stable state. Eventually attains equilibrium. I hope my life also follows this principle.

There it happens again !

Once again I am here. The result of my own actions. Sometimes the person who seems so close to you becomes so rude. Very hurtful, very very hurtful. And then behaves as if everything is normal when it is obvious it is not. So obvious. I am partly to blame for this situation. I should have just shut up, just not participated in the conversation. It is amazing how everyone else but me seems to control my life. I would be so happy if I could completely, absolutely control my life, my feelings, my thinking. Is it too much to ask. All I am asking is control over my OWN life. Nobody else's but just me.

Or maybe all of it is my imagination. I read one of my favorite editors columns yesterday. She married a few months ago. She was talking about all the marital advice she and her husband get from people all the time. And one such advice they are trying to follow which seem to work all the time.

Here is what she says "A lot of times, you'll say something to each other that could be taken a couple of different ways. Chances are, one of those ways will really offend you. Take it the other way."

I thought about it a lot. Time and again Sid says this too. He says give people benefit of doubt. Try not to victimize yourself even before you become a victim. All this makes sense doesn't it. I know this, if only I can practice it too. It will make things easier for me. Maybe I should pretend there is no pr0blem. Tell myself I am cooking it up. A concoction of my mind and nothing more.
what's the worse that can happen. I maybe wrong, what the heck if I am wrong, I might feel miserable. I am not feeling great now either. So better late than now.

I find my mind hardest to train. Like I said no control what so ever. Maybe I should do something about it. I wish there was a way. Lets see,how hard it gets. Maybe another visit to the cemetery.