Right now I feel like a deer caught in line of the head lights. My parents are excited, I am sure my mom is praying for things to work, Mrs.K seems to have a taken a strong liking. Mr.K , I dont know.
Oh so many question today. It made me very nervous. It felt like a background check was run on me. And all those questions reminded me once again of all my shortcomings. She wants to meet me in person. Thats really nerve wracking. I am not used to such things. And I am also afraid they are being misled. The pictures sent to then where good. But still does it really give the picture. I rather be like this than go through the rejection process all over again. And be another disappoint ment to my parents.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
IF is always in the middle of LIFE
Saw this really interesting ad on TV. It was for Metlife, an insurance company. It was all about the 'If' in life. Life is so full of choices and with every choice made comes an if. If the right and wrong is taken out of the equation of our decisions, thats all we are left with, the 'IF' factor.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Life is full of surprises - mine too !
I am surprised at my life. It is one hell of a ride. Water is never still, a hint of disturbance and an endless series of ripples. There are so many dimensions to my life. I was taken by surprise yesterday. Did not know what to think of it. It was like a dream. Much like the movie I was watching, The Chronicles of Narnia. Just walk through the wardrobe and land up in a totally different world. A surreal world.
Do u remember the cemetery I had come across during my wanderings. Well I was wandering again in the woods. I had lost something precious. The child of my heart. Lets say my baby. A child of my imagination. It scares me. I was expecting myself to drown in grief. But no. Much to my surprise I was not mourning. No I was not. I know I love my baby. But was I getting immune to all the pain. Why am I not hurting. Have I lost the ability to feel pain. Should I be disgusted or should I be alarmed or should I just be happy and thankful.
Anyway, while I was wandering I hear a this beautiful note. I might not have thought of it as beautiful but I could feel it and then there was beautiful glow.The pleasant warmth. I follow the sound and reach the edge of the stream. The music I was hearing is the beautiful sound of the water. I am fascinated. It was as if the stream was speaking to me. Singing to me. Inviting me to spend time with it. I am shocked. It sounds like my precious baby. The baby I thought I lost. And my baby calls me with open arms. I ask why my baby left me in the first place. It just says it never left. Time flys by. I am dreaming about the time I am going to spend. But at what cost. It turns out, I cant. As I was reaching for the embrace, puff !!!!!!!
Its all gone. No music, no stream, just me dreaming. By the lake, a placid lake, staring at my own reflection. No one beside me. I am disappointed, can I, should I. Maybe I should just be happy, my baby is still part of dream. But it was so close, I just had to reach far enough. Will I ever meet my precious, again. Surprises happen when you least expected them, so they say !!
Do u remember the cemetery I had come across during my wanderings. Well I was wandering again in the woods. I had lost something precious. The child of my heart. Lets say my baby. A child of my imagination. It scares me. I was expecting myself to drown in grief. But no. Much to my surprise I was not mourning. No I was not. I know I love my baby. But was I getting immune to all the pain. Why am I not hurting. Have I lost the ability to feel pain. Should I be disgusted or should I be alarmed or should I just be happy and thankful.
Anyway, while I was wandering I hear a this beautiful note. I might not have thought of it as beautiful but I could feel it and then there was beautiful glow.The pleasant warmth. I follow the sound and reach the edge of the stream. The music I was hearing is the beautiful sound of the water. I am fascinated. It was as if the stream was speaking to me. Singing to me. Inviting me to spend time with it. I am shocked. It sounds like my precious baby. The baby I thought I lost. And my baby calls me with open arms. I ask why my baby left me in the first place. It just says it never left. Time flys by. I am dreaming about the time I am going to spend. But at what cost. It turns out, I cant. As I was reaching for the embrace, puff !!!!!!!
Its all gone. No music, no stream, just me dreaming. By the lake, a placid lake, staring at my own reflection. No one beside me. I am disappointed, can I, should I. Maybe I should just be happy, my baby is still part of dream. But it was so close, I just had to reach far enough. Will I ever meet my precious, again. Surprises happen when you least expected them, so they say !!
Sunday, June 11, 2006
My Saturday Night Phone Call
Sid called me last night. It was the usual checking on me call. I mentioned him about my lease ending on 14 th and me not starting with the consultant until 22nd. He offered to let me stay at his place but he is going to Canada for the VISA. And he plans to go to INDIA in August. Ofcourse I did not accept that offer. Then there was discussion about my thesis. It was nice to be able to talk my heart out. I was a little sad. I miss the conversation, the support. But may be it is a good thing after all I lose him in August right. So be it !
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Remember - The good ole' malgudi days - Here is Something !!!
MALGUDI DAYS by (RK Naryan )
A Hero
Little Swami, like all timid children, sucks his thumb and sleeps near his devoted, story-telling Grandmother. Father is quite annoyed at this mollycoddling and cleverly provokes his son into a show of courage: he is to sleep all alone in his office that very night.
And so, he drags the reluctant child to the office while the women in the family look on helplessly. A petrified Swami sleeps fitfully ? dreams and reality merge ? but the next morning the little boy wakes up 'A Hero"- with a special invitation to join the police force.
Swami abounds in the adulation and praise, while Father is pleased to know his son's photograph has appeared in the local newspapers. Rushing in one night to break the good news, he finds Swami back to his old ways ? one night of manhood is enough for the boy. R.K.Narayan pits the age-old courage vs. strength theory - either you have it in you or you don't.
A horse and two goats
An impressive statue of a Horse and Warrior stands on the outskirts of a sleepy village named Kritam, not too far from Malgudi. Muni, the local goat-herd and his family (wife and two goats) have obviously seen better day. Hunger seems to follow them about like shadows? because the shop-keeper's terms are 'strictly cash'. And so, penniless, dreaming of drumstick curry and other such delicacies, he grazes his goats each day - lazing in the shadows of the great Horse. On one such typical day, an American tourist happens to run out of 'gas' near the statue. The unlikely characters meet and an interesting conversation is soon in full swing. The American speaks only English while Muni speaks chaste Tamil. Not a single word is understood by either, yet they go on like long lost friends. Finally, an unexpected bargain takes place between Muni and the American that has surprising results for Muni. The story brings out R.K. Narayan's earthy sense of humor, dealing with communication and the language barrier.
Missing mail
Thanappa is Malgudi's friendly postman. Always a smile, time for a chat, a bit of advice - followed by the inevitable refreshment. But he is more than just a postman to the Ramanujam family. He shares their good news when he brings tidings of it. And sympathizes in their sorrow as well. Thanappa is instrumental in bringing about their daughter's engagement - the one whose birth he had brought news of almost seventeen years ago. A day before the happy occasion of her marriage, a letter arrives bearing news of his elder brother's illness and a telegram follows with his passing away. Should Thanappa risk all by telling the family on this happy day? Or should he postpone the delivery and risk getting sacked for his efforts? A tricky situation indeed! R.K. Narayan brings to light the problems of arranged marriages in a middle class family and stirs the fast-vanishing memories when the postman was almost a part of a family's hopes, dreams and aspirations.
Leela's friend
8-year-old Leela abounds with joy when her parents hire a new servant to help about the house. Sidda, the servant, is a simple soul - but he is all she knows. The Sivasankar family is a picture of joy as Sidda helps run an efficient household and give Leela the benefit of his experience. One day on the way home from market, Mrs. Sivasankar discovers her daughter's chain missing. Sidda too vanishes. Leela is beside herself with grief, while the parents are busy with their won work, and the Police. In yet another bitter-sweet tale, R.K. Narayan sharply contrasts the innocent world of a child with the hard realities of adulthood. The chain is finally found in a pickle-jar, but Sidda's screams rent the air around the Police-station. Leela's Friend is no more.
Sweets for angel
In the courtyard of a 100 year-old building live Malgudi's odd trio-Pachai the blind beggar (whose eyesight is as sharp as a razor), Kuppan the rickshaw cyclist and Kali the coolie. His one weakness is children. And the school opposite is his haven. He never mingles with the kids-always keeping his distance from them. And so the three eke out a living from day to day till the child-lover gets an opportunity to earn some big money at the local ration store. Feigning illness to his friends, he summons up the courage to buy sweets for the children. At school-break, he approaches them. Being children, they cannot refuse his tempting offer and soon there is commotion all over the place. Some passers-by mistake him for a kidnapper and within no time, rumors about him are rife. A large crowd chases him till he finds refuge in a stranger's house. An exhausted Kali tries to escape, but of no avail. The police arrive and apprehend him. Kali has got himself landed in hospital, shorn and shaven. His friends on a consolation visit, suggest he can go back to his old ways as no one will recognize the new, hairless Kali.
A willing slave
No one knew her name, from whence she went, or came - for the family she was just 'Ayah'*. A willing slave to cook and care for the three children, keep a stern eye on the other servants and to generally keep the house in running order - all for a pittance of a sari** and a few rupees a month. The only sign of any family of her own were two hefty, sullen men in their early 40's, who would come to collect a part of her meagre salary which she gave willingly. The story features 'The Ayah' and Little Radha (the smallest of the children) - their unique relationship where each indulges the other's fantasy till one day when the Ayah leaves to become a willing slave for yet someone else. Everyone from eight to eighty will identify with this bitter-sweet tale. For the 'Ayah' forms an important figure in the Indian household. And for the Western world, our central character would be quite, quite unbelievable yet, about a Mother figurine.
Cat within
Exploitation is rife in this tragically funny story where a Landlord and an Exorcist combine to squeeze the blood from their miserably poor tenants. To protect his loot, the landlord places six kerosene cans one-on-top-of-each-other hoping that any thief might sound the alarm. But the only thieves here are rats - not humans. And who but a cat could deal with these vermin, suggests the Exorcist. The real fun however begins late one night, when a brass pot suddenly comes alive, bouncing up and down in the Landlord's godown, setting up an unholy din. The terror-stricken tenants huddle together ? the Exorcist is sent for ? Some evil is definitely afoot ? and will to come to light !
The watch man
Poor old watchman! 'Why' he asks, 'do people come to my Tank Bund to end their lives?' Suicide has become almost a fashion at the small, deep Tank - with the explanatory letter left behind. Death seems to greet him every month or so, till one night he chances on a young lady in distress already waist-deep in the water. The night is young as the Watchman gets acquainted with the lady's problems. At dawn, having said his piece, he leaves her to do what she will. And it is only many, many years later that he discovers what really happened the morning after the night before. R.K. Narayan examines the stifling conditions of the Indian Woman for whom economic independence seems the only answer to her problems
A Hero
Little Swami, like all timid children, sucks his thumb and sleeps near his devoted, story-telling Grandmother. Father is quite annoyed at this mollycoddling and cleverly provokes his son into a show of courage: he is to sleep all alone in his office that very night.
And so, he drags the reluctant child to the office while the women in the family look on helplessly. A petrified Swami sleeps fitfully ? dreams and reality merge ? but the next morning the little boy wakes up 'A Hero"- with a special invitation to join the police force.
Swami abounds in the adulation and praise, while Father is pleased to know his son's photograph has appeared in the local newspapers. Rushing in one night to break the good news, he finds Swami back to his old ways ? one night of manhood is enough for the boy. R.K.Narayan pits the age-old courage vs. strength theory - either you have it in you or you don't.
A horse and two goats
An impressive statue of a Horse and Warrior stands on the outskirts of a sleepy village named Kritam, not too far from Malgudi. Muni, the local goat-herd and his family (wife and two goats) have obviously seen better day. Hunger seems to follow them about like shadows? because the shop-keeper's terms are 'strictly cash'. And so, penniless, dreaming of drumstick curry and other such delicacies, he grazes his goats each day - lazing in the shadows of the great Horse. On one such typical day, an American tourist happens to run out of 'gas' near the statue. The unlikely characters meet and an interesting conversation is soon in full swing. The American speaks only English while Muni speaks chaste Tamil. Not a single word is understood by either, yet they go on like long lost friends. Finally, an unexpected bargain takes place between Muni and the American that has surprising results for Muni. The story brings out R.K. Narayan's earthy sense of humor, dealing with communication and the language barrier.
Missing mail
Thanappa is Malgudi's friendly postman. Always a smile, time for a chat, a bit of advice - followed by the inevitable refreshment. But he is more than just a postman to the Ramanujam family. He shares their good news when he brings tidings of it. And sympathizes in their sorrow as well. Thanappa is instrumental in bringing about their daughter's engagement - the one whose birth he had brought news of almost seventeen years ago. A day before the happy occasion of her marriage, a letter arrives bearing news of his elder brother's illness and a telegram follows with his passing away. Should Thanappa risk all by telling the family on this happy day? Or should he postpone the delivery and risk getting sacked for his efforts? A tricky situation indeed! R.K. Narayan brings to light the problems of arranged marriages in a middle class family and stirs the fast-vanishing memories when the postman was almost a part of a family's hopes, dreams and aspirations.
Leela's friend
8-year-old Leela abounds with joy when her parents hire a new servant to help about the house. Sidda, the servant, is a simple soul - but he is all she knows. The Sivasankar family is a picture of joy as Sidda helps run an efficient household and give Leela the benefit of his experience. One day on the way home from market, Mrs. Sivasankar discovers her daughter's chain missing. Sidda too vanishes. Leela is beside herself with grief, while the parents are busy with their won work, and the Police. In yet another bitter-sweet tale, R.K. Narayan sharply contrasts the innocent world of a child with the hard realities of adulthood. The chain is finally found in a pickle-jar, but Sidda's screams rent the air around the Police-station. Leela's Friend is no more.
Sweets for angel
In the courtyard of a 100 year-old building live Malgudi's odd trio-Pachai the blind beggar (whose eyesight is as sharp as a razor), Kuppan the rickshaw cyclist and Kali the coolie. His one weakness is children. And the school opposite is his haven. He never mingles with the kids-always keeping his distance from them. And so the three eke out a living from day to day till the child-lover gets an opportunity to earn some big money at the local ration store. Feigning illness to his friends, he summons up the courage to buy sweets for the children. At school-break, he approaches them. Being children, they cannot refuse his tempting offer and soon there is commotion all over the place. Some passers-by mistake him for a kidnapper and within no time, rumors about him are rife. A large crowd chases him till he finds refuge in a stranger's house. An exhausted Kali tries to escape, but of no avail. The police arrive and apprehend him. Kali has got himself landed in hospital, shorn and shaven. His friends on a consolation visit, suggest he can go back to his old ways as no one will recognize the new, hairless Kali.
A willing slave
No one knew her name, from whence she went, or came - for the family she was just 'Ayah'*. A willing slave to cook and care for the three children, keep a stern eye on the other servants and to generally keep the house in running order - all for a pittance of a sari** and a few rupees a month. The only sign of any family of her own were two hefty, sullen men in their early 40's, who would come to collect a part of her meagre salary which she gave willingly. The story features 'The Ayah' and Little Radha (the smallest of the children) - their unique relationship where each indulges the other's fantasy till one day when the Ayah leaves to become a willing slave for yet someone else. Everyone from eight to eighty will identify with this bitter-sweet tale. For the 'Ayah' forms an important figure in the Indian household. And for the Western world, our central character would be quite, quite unbelievable yet, about a Mother figurine.
Cat within
Exploitation is rife in this tragically funny story where a Landlord and an Exorcist combine to squeeze the blood from their miserably poor tenants. To protect his loot, the landlord places six kerosene cans one-on-top-of-each-other hoping that any thief might sound the alarm. But the only thieves here are rats - not humans. And who but a cat could deal with these vermin, suggests the Exorcist. The real fun however begins late one night, when a brass pot suddenly comes alive, bouncing up and down in the Landlord's godown, setting up an unholy din. The terror-stricken tenants huddle together ? the Exorcist is sent for ? Some evil is definitely afoot ? and will to come to light !
The watch man
Poor old watchman! 'Why' he asks, 'do people come to my Tank Bund to end their lives?' Suicide has become almost a fashion at the small, deep Tank - with the explanatory letter left behind. Death seems to greet him every month or so, till one night he chances on a young lady in distress already waist-deep in the water. The night is young as the Watchman gets acquainted with the lady's problems. At dawn, having said his piece, he leaves her to do what she will. And it is only many, many years later that he discovers what really happened the morning after the night before. R.K. Narayan examines the stifling conditions of the Indian Woman for whom economic independence seems the only answer to her problems
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
1200 Huh!
Met Dr.L today. Today is the first day of my participation in her calcium-weightloss study. Here is the deal, I have to watch what I eat, ofcourse. No more than 1200 cals. I am having problems with 1350-1500 cals, how will I manage 1200 cals. I don't know. We will have to wait and watch. She gave me this food exchange chart. I had some idea but it was alarming. Did you know 1/3 cup cooked rice is a serving. An average Indian eats atleast 5 times it. A carb addict like me will do 10 times that.
I will have to do a lot of fighting with myself. No wonder I am overweight all these years of overeating, and a bad metabolism just makes things worse. I wish I was more active as a child. I was never into sports.I liked dancing, but my parents did not care for it as much. I remember in middle school asking my parents to let me join classical dance classes. My parents had this standard answer for everything " Concentrate on ur studies, that's more important". This when actually I was very good student. Anyways no point crying over spilt milk.
The good news is my fat consumption is very very low. Still it will be a challenge. I just hope my body will adjust soon enough. When I was younger I used to like sugary stuff. I slowly weaned myself off of it. And it worked. I hardly care for it anymore. To the point that I don't like sweet stuff. I hope the same works for my overall food intake. I am going to rely heavily on my mind to control my body, I don't trust my body as much. I hope I just don't give up.
Got myself weighed. Was very disappointed. In three weeks I have lost only 1.8 lbs. No did not put on muscles. I am to meet Dr.L again next week. Lets see how it goes.
I am supposed to include 3 cups of soy milk in my diet. Dr.L gave me 1.5 gallons of soy milk. If not anything I don't have to go all the way to walmart to buy milk. That's taken care of.
I will have to do a lot of fighting with myself. No wonder I am overweight all these years of overeating, and a bad metabolism just makes things worse. I wish I was more active as a child. I was never into sports.I liked dancing, but my parents did not care for it as much. I remember in middle school asking my parents to let me join classical dance classes. My parents had this standard answer for everything " Concentrate on ur studies, that's more important". This when actually I was very good student. Anyways no point crying over spilt milk.
The good news is my fat consumption is very very low. Still it will be a challenge. I just hope my body will adjust soon enough. When I was younger I used to like sugary stuff. I slowly weaned myself off of it. And it worked. I hardly care for it anymore. To the point that I don't like sweet stuff. I hope the same works for my overall food intake. I am going to rely heavily on my mind to control my body, I don't trust my body as much. I hope I just don't give up.
Got myself weighed. Was very disappointed. In three weeks I have lost only 1.8 lbs. No did not put on muscles. I am to meet Dr.L again next week. Lets see how it goes.
I am supposed to include 3 cups of soy milk in my diet. Dr.L gave me 1.5 gallons of soy milk. If not anything I don't have to go all the way to walmart to buy milk. That's taken care of.
My Dieting Blues - Dr.90210 - Sex and the City
My Dieting Blues: Boy oh Boy. It is hard. Eating the right kind not as much, but eating the right quantity is definitely hard. I set my target at 1350 - 1500 cals. It is hard when u start keeping track of every single bit u take in. I am using my-calorie-counter.com. I don't know if it is just my body and mind rebelling or maybe I should eat more. I am working out about an hr everyday. But I am hungry, have a slight headache especially towards the end of the day. This is making me wonder if I should give myself a little more leeway. I am meeting Dr.L for the calcium study. I am very excited to start the study and more important check my weight on her state of the art weighing machine. I hope I have lost some weight. Will write about it tomorrow.
Dr.90210: I am in awe of this show. I wish I had the kind of money to get plastic surgery done. It would be awesome. I can then fix myself. If I could, I would fix everything from my neck to my knees. If only. Sometimes I think I should make money with the goal of getting the plastic surgery done. Right now I feel like a young beautiful person trapped in a big, ugly , flabby old body. Just Imagine someone in big dirty rags. That's how I feel. And I am sure this is one and only reason I just don't find the ONE. But u know on the flip side may be this a good thing. Because after all this if I find the love of my life, I will actually end up with some one absolutely genuine. One who loves me in the best and the worst. What a paradox isn't it!!!
Sex and the City: I have been thinking about this and no don't laugh. I have had so many crushes ever since I have noticed the existence of the opposite sex. Never one serious relationship. I was wondering what if I write a little something about each of those encounters, if I still remember the details that is. Would it make a good reading. If not for anyone else, would it make me laugh. I am going to try it, sometime ..........Soon.....I guess........
Dr.90210: I am in awe of this show. I wish I had the kind of money to get plastic surgery done. It would be awesome. I can then fix myself. If I could, I would fix everything from my neck to my knees. If only. Sometimes I think I should make money with the goal of getting the plastic surgery done. Right now I feel like a young beautiful person trapped in a big, ugly , flabby old body. Just Imagine someone in big dirty rags. That's how I feel. And I am sure this is one and only reason I just don't find the ONE. But u know on the flip side may be this a good thing. Because after all this if I find the love of my life, I will actually end up with some one absolutely genuine. One who loves me in the best and the worst. What a paradox isn't it!!!
Sex and the City: I have been thinking about this and no don't laugh. I have had so many crushes ever since I have noticed the existence of the opposite sex. Never one serious relationship. I was wondering what if I write a little something about each of those encounters, if I still remember the details that is. Would it make a good reading. If not for anyone else, would it make me laugh. I am going to try it, sometime ..........Soon.....I guess........
Monday, June 05, 2006
Me Back !
Its been a veryyyyyyyy long time. Well I am back. Had a successful semester,sort of. Did surprisingly well in assembler. A real good boost of confidence. Started a Myspace. Not another blog, cant keep up two when I cant do one. Just to keep in touch with ppl I met at AAC. And yes a year older and none the wiser. Started working out and dieting again. Doing Tae Bo, kind of like Billy Banks. He is like a drill sergeant. It is 45 mins of kickboxing. I am liking it. Atleast for now. I am also going to participate in a calcium - Weightloss study. A little excited about that.
Right now dragging myself to do the correction to my thesis. And yes the topic I have been avoiding, my love life, well I am trying to put it in coma. Well I am getting older but I am tired. Tired of waiting. Sid did call me on my birthday at midnight. But I did not know it was him (He showed up as unknown).
And then again he called me that evening, asked all sorts of question. Covered every damn topic. This how the conversation went:
Him: How are you?
Me: Good.
Him: Happy Birthday
Me: Thanks
Him: Did you do any thing special?
Me: No
Him: didn't you Celebrate?
Me: No
Him: Are you doing your thesis?
Me: Yes
Him: Have you started studying SAP?
Me: Not yet
Him: Are you productive, like during the semester, you did well this semester?
Me: I am trying to be
Him: How are you surviving, do you have enough money? ( Mow that I am not working)
Me: Yes
Him: Are you exercising?
Me: Yes
Him: Are you weighing yourself often
Me: Yes
Him: Are you eating healthy?
Me: Yes, Gave up Rice.
Him: Good
Him: I will let you go,I should go home now.
Me: Are you still at work? ( It was 11 p.m. his time)
Him: Yes
Me: Alright then , Bye
Him: Yes
And that's the end of it. Dint know what to make of it. Just let it go as one of the many exceptions. Oh well, I will get back to work now. And yes ' let fate decide' . Yeah right !!!!!!!!!
Right now dragging myself to do the correction to my thesis. And yes the topic I have been avoiding, my love life, well I am trying to put it in coma. Well I am getting older but I am tired. Tired of waiting. Sid did call me on my birthday at midnight. But I did not know it was him (He showed up as unknown).
And then again he called me that evening, asked all sorts of question. Covered every damn topic. This how the conversation went:
Him: How are you?
Me: Good.
Him: Happy Birthday
Me: Thanks
Him: Did you do any thing special?
Me: No
Him: didn't you Celebrate?
Me: No
Him: Are you doing your thesis?
Me: Yes
Him: Have you started studying SAP?
Me: Not yet
Him: Are you productive, like during the semester, you did well this semester?
Me: I am trying to be
Him: How are you surviving, do you have enough money? ( Mow that I am not working)
Me: Yes
Him: Are you exercising?
Me: Yes
Him: Are you weighing yourself often
Me: Yes
Him: Are you eating healthy?
Me: Yes, Gave up Rice.
Him: Good
Him: I will let you go,I should go home now.
Me: Are you still at work? ( It was 11 p.m. his time)
Him: Yes
Me: Alright then , Bye
Him: Yes
And that's the end of it. Dint know what to make of it. Just let it go as one of the many exceptions. Oh well, I will get back to work now. And yes ' let fate decide' . Yeah right !!!!!!!!!
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