Ignorance is Bliss!

Do you know you might never be able to reach me? Yes, never. I have blocked you from all of IM and email Ids, I have blocked you on Orkut. And last night when you called I did not pick up. In the past I used to be so happy to hear from you. I used to be so happy to recieve a mail from you. And now I am just too nervous. I do not want to let myself hurt anymore. And if I were to talk to you thats what is going to happen. With the weekend ahead I do not want to allow myself to mope around. I have a very strong feeling that you are leaving for home this weekend and yesterdays call was some form of final farewell. I dont want to know about it. I am not leaving anything to chance. I want to be ignorant of the goings on, because Ignorance is bliss!

Desensitization - Is it the way to go ?

I consider myself a very emotionally sensitive person. Anything that is said about anything relevant to me effects me. One such very important thing in my life is my religion. I am trying to be as good a Muslim as I can be. The importance I give to my religion is also making me extremely sensitive to what is said and thought about Islam and Muslims.

I cringe when Islam and terrorist is used in the same sentence. And I cringe several times a day. Especially the times when I read rediff.com. I should break out of this stupid habit of reading rediff articles and comments. How caustic those comments can be... Every single things is taken out of context, made a mockery of, twisted and spat out. Without any regard of hurting anyone sentiments or making any attempt of checking facts. Growing up I studied in a Catholic school my classes were always a mix of several religions. Not once did I feel out of place. Religion never even entered any kind of discussion but for the time of festivals. And even then the only context was new clothes and food. Today reading those comments in black and white was disturbing.

Today the Muslim population around the world is 1.5 billion and contrary to popular belief although Islam is often associated with the Arab world and the Middle East, fewer than 15% of Muslims are Arab. SO now Can 1.5 billion people be all rogues and terrorists. Does that seem logical. Why is not the conflict in the middle east treated as a regional conflict and not religious conflict. Do Muslims in India participate or in any way are directly effected by what happens in the middle east. May be in some distant philosophical sense any human suffering someplace effects you. But in a practical sense does it. Then why do people in India even bother to demean their fellow citizens.

I once read the suggestion that Muslims should call themselves something else to avoid the bad reputation. I am an Indian, a proud Indian. If a few criminals from my country, say 20 from a population of 1 billion were to commit an atroicious act somewhere in the world. Say the media was splashed with news about how the Indian criminals did something so awful. Do I change my identity. Should I change my identity. Should I rename everything associated with my culture and heritage. Does that seem right, no, it is not.

I am a walking billboard of Islam if you will. I wear the scarf and everyday trash every stereotype one might have about Muslim women. I try to be extra nice to people around me and when I am asked questions about my religion I try my best to give facts, and trash out some more stereotypes. I am independent and good at what I do. I am extra careful to not give anybody an opportunity to underestimate me and all I need to do now is to develop thick skin and pray for the ability to forgive and forget.

Sivaji ..... My first Tamil Movie in years

I dont remember the last time I saw a tamil movie. When Ar's family decided to watch Sivaji last weekend I joined them. The movie was courtesy of the local Tamil Sangam. I have never been a fan of Rajinikanth, for that matter I am not a fan of any actor or actress.

I did enjoy the movie, not that it had any logic. But the comedy was good which had me laughing really hard and the songs were visually beautiful and elaborate. The actress Shriya was very pretty. Other than that there is nothing else worth mentioning. I am not sure what the guys sitting in the row behind us found so entertaining or exciting. It was like a tradition of whistiling and screaming that they had to keep up. It got irritating at times.

A Well Known Stranger

I have known you from the day you were born. I have taken pride in you, played with you, yelled at you, fought with you,yet do I know you.

Its been four years since I have seen you.I happened to see your pictures. How much you have changed. I hardly recognize you. How articulate you are. I remember your first words. I see how popular you are, how enterprising. You are all things I am not, but would have liked to be. Our lives started at the same place, they ran parallel for most of our lives and then parallel yet so far apart that they cannot be called parallel anymore nor can they ever intersect. You ask me "why do I get embarassed to show affection?" and thats sums it up. I am too embarrased to show affection. I am not as social as you are. You have a way with people, you have a way with friends, you have a way with relatives. You are so sure of yourself. Would you be like me if you were "like" me. Maybe not. You just wouldnt care. You have a way of making people obligated and I took it to heart when someone makes me feel obligated. You were stubborn and I was not. You asked and I waited and expected for people to know what I want. Was that a good thing. It did not do me any good.

Well, we are just two different people. You are not who you are because of me and maybe thats a good thing. I just wish I could have been like you. Then I would not have been who I am if I were like you. And so we live parallel lives yet we dont...

Camp Curtin Y

Let me give you a little history lesson:

During the American Civil War, over 300,000 soldiers passed through Camp Curtin, making it the largest Federal camp during the Civil War. The camp officially opened on April 18, 1861, and was named in honor of the Governor Andrew Curtin. Harrisburg's location on major railroad lines running east and west, and north and south made it the ideal location for moving men and supplies to the armies in the field.

- Wikipedia

Camp Curtin in my context, the YMCA at Camp Curtin. Three weeks ago I got this brilliant idea of checking out the YMCAs in my area. Workouts in my apartment gym were getting boring. That's when I discovered Camp Curtin Y, it is in a ghetto neigbourhood in a predominantly african american neighbourhood. And I was pleasantly surprised. It is housed in a building built in 1901 yet the gym is very modern. It reminded me of the rec center at school. There is also a Sauna, a steam room and a swimming pool. Not only that three days a week there is this aerobics class. And since I joined two weeks ago, I am there religiously everyday after work. The hour and a half I spend there is the most relaxing time of the day. The aerobics session is awesome, every session is different and the instructor is motivating and has been in the profession for more than 20 years. The gym is pretty good too, finally I get to do the elliptical. Its my favorite machine. I am yet to try the pool. Hopefully next week.

I am also hoping to volunteer there, maybe tutor kids. Filled out an application. That application was so long. There was background check, criminal history check...the whole nine yards. At one point I thought why bother. But then all the "Law and Order SVU" and MSNBC's "Catch the predator" put things in perspective. These elaborate checks are justifiable inconvenience if thats what it takes to keep kids safe. Hope I can inspire and help a few kids do better in school. It would be so special.

I miss U! I hate U! I hate to miss U!

Yep, that's how I feel. I miss Sid, not a lot, not all the time, but a lot sometimes.

I miss the companionship, I miss being able to share stuff.I miss sharing my small triumphs and big disappointments. I miss being able to brag to him and I miss him bragging. I miss his useful advices, I miss having someone to vent my frustration. I miss being a part of his life (atleast in my mind). I miss his goofiness, his little quirks, his motivation which used to keep me motivated. I miss making him proud of me and I miss him making me proud. I miss his depending on me for small things.I miss him calling me on road asking me to look up stuff. I miss feeling jealous of unnecessary things like the time he would hang out with his female friends and I miss his assuring me that they are not special. I miss his sensing my mood just by my tone. I miss throwing tantrums and having someone put up with it. The list goes on..............

A couple of weeks ago I got my first raise and a mail from my HR praising my work. I wanted to share it with Sid. But I cannot. I could not call Pal or Smita, because that would not have been appropriate, I think. Such times I was able to just call Sid and share my excitement. Not anymore. I called my parents instead but somehow it wasn't the same.

I am a very stubborn person especially when it comes to people and relationships. I know my stubbornness will see me through and I am never going to pick the phone to make a call or write a mail to Sid.

If only my fantasies, my dreams, my yearnings could be fulfilled. Since that's not going to happen I should just live this time out. And with time, hope that this state of loneliness becomes a habit. After all I pride myself at being extremely adaptable ......right! or is it Yeah right!

Time Lost or Fate playing out !

Time is one thing we can never get back. It seems the one thing that cannot be redeemed, relived or revised. And time lost is my biggest regret. I am not talking about how I should make my day more productive or the time I spend watching Law and Order when I could maybe learn something new or prepare for my certifications. Yes I regret these but I regret much bigger amount of time lost.

Time and again I regret the fact that I have fallen behind in evey aspect of my life. I am surviving and comfortably so, but still there seems to have been so much I have missed out.

I missed out the normal things in a woman's life. I missed out on the attention that a young girl expects to get during the four years of college. I missed out the opportunity to score a good grade. Which I could have because I know I am good. I have proved it many a times during my Master's. Not just a good grade but topping the class. But regret not having put the same effort during those four years. I regret those four years when I should have had the best time of my life, but I was bogged down by depression. By feeling like a second fiddle to my friends. Standing in the sidelines when they got all the attention.

Then moved to the US, still the bad times just followed me. Not able to balance studies and part-time work which took too much of my time and attention. Coupled with the more weight gain which just made me more depressed. Not having an assistantship when everyone else seemed to enjoy a happy comfortable time in terms of money.

A steady stream of rejections based purely on my looks. Not motivated enough to finish my thesis.

By the time I gathered my wits, pulled my act together started doing very well in my courses, finished my thesis, it was late. Two and half years too late. I have fallen behind and I am still lagging.

My peers have already married, made babies, bought homes moved on with comfortable secure futures.

And here I am 27 yrs old still single, living in a studio apartment, with less than 2000 miles on a car which I bought more than six months ago ( read no-where to go), with an uncertain future. I have a good job, which I enjoy and pays me well enough. But will I get the opportunity to stay and continue working here. Will I ever be compensated for the lost time. Or will I just continue to lag behind. And will the time lag just grow.

Can I hope all this to fit the often used "whatever happens, happens for good", or is it just a way of consoling someone who is not lucky enough.

It ain't easy !

Devil and Angel are constantly tugging at each other. Annoying each other. How bad can you get, how rude you want to be, how sarcastic you want to be, would you harm if you could, would you wish bad for people you don’t like. Do you get angry when things don’t go your way, do you want and expect things and you to be perfect. Do you feel too lazy to pray. The devil asks. The devil feeds on hatred, ego, pride and power. The there is the angel constantly reminding you. What goes around comes around. Don’t do things you will regret, things which will come back to bite. And the poor conscience is caught in between. It is so easy to be mad, to be impatient but it isn’t easy to be nice. It is a constant struggle between what you want to do and what you should do. I am wondering what would make things easy. Prayer should. I think one should set aside laziness and pray, and that would lead to easier time doing good things.

My Birthday

Turned a year older last friday and none the wiser. I guess but I hope not.

Thanks to my profiles on facebook, myspace and my family, I had a few people wishing me. My whole family called me, not all at the same time. And then there was Sid, left a message with the Birthday Song. Ofcourse I did not return his call.

I am eager and anxious about this year. What would this year bring me. My intution strongly predicts huge changes and I have a feeling next year same time my life would be unrecognizable. What I wait to see is if these changes will make my life better or worse.

Got a raise recently (the first six month raise). Felt good.