Time Lost or Fate playing out !

Time is one thing we can never get back. It seems the one thing that cannot be redeemed, relived or revised. And time lost is my biggest regret. I am not talking about how I should make my day more productive or the time I spend watching Law and Order when I could maybe learn something new or prepare for my certifications. Yes I regret these but I regret much bigger amount of time lost.

Time and again I regret the fact that I have fallen behind in evey aspect of my life. I am surviving and comfortably so, but still there seems to have been so much I have missed out.

I missed out the normal things in a woman's life. I missed out on the attention that a young girl expects to get during the four years of college. I missed out the opportunity to score a good grade. Which I could have because I know I am good. I have proved it many a times during my Master's. Not just a good grade but topping the class. But regret not having put the same effort during those four years. I regret those four years when I should have had the best time of my life, but I was bogged down by depression. By feeling like a second fiddle to my friends. Standing in the sidelines when they got all the attention.

Then moved to the US, still the bad times just followed me. Not able to balance studies and part-time work which took too much of my time and attention. Coupled with the more weight gain which just made me more depressed. Not having an assistantship when everyone else seemed to enjoy a happy comfortable time in terms of money.

A steady stream of rejections based purely on my looks. Not motivated enough to finish my thesis.

By the time I gathered my wits, pulled my act together started doing very well in my courses, finished my thesis, it was late. Two and half years too late. I have fallen behind and I am still lagging.

My peers have already married, made babies, bought homes moved on with comfortable secure futures.

And here I am 27 yrs old still single, living in a studio apartment, with less than 2000 miles on a car which I bought more than six months ago ( read no-where to go), with an uncertain future. I have a good job, which I enjoy and pays me well enough. But will I get the opportunity to stay and continue working here. Will I ever be compensated for the lost time. Or will I just continue to lag behind. And will the time lag just grow.

Can I hope all this to fit the often used "whatever happens, happens for good", or is it just a way of consoling someone who is not lucky enough.