A few days ago M asked me if she can visit. I did not say no but neither did I say yes. The reason, my dwelling. M is in India, if she were to visit she would be here for atleast a month. And I am ashamed to have here living in an apartment with me. I have always felt I have fallen behind on the journey of my life. I feel M should come and visit only when I am settled. My present idea of being settled ain't marriage but a home. A house I can call me own. Why would I want her to come all the way here and live in a small apartment.
Is my thinking wrong. Should I not care about such things. I don't know. Maybe I am wrong. But that's the way I think.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
VISA, no not the plastic kind
A visa (short for the Latin carta visa, lit. "the document having been seen") is a document issued by a country giving an individual permission to formally request entrance to the country during a given period of time and for certain purposes and usually stamped or glued inside of a passport, or sometimes issued as separate pieces of paper. - source wikipedia
Well I am waiting for that piece of paper. My application has been approved and I am waiting for the hard copy. In December this year I plan to visit India, my visit is long overdue and get my visa stamped. I visit an immigration forum regularly just to get a feel of how things go. Well they don't go so good. People get stuck thanks to the excessive security clearance and name checks. I wont complain, security cannot be compromised right and until a better system is developed one cannot expect anything but chaos.
In all this I was looking back at the last six years and beyond. I don't think I ever had lofty "dollar dreams". I dint have to come here just because my brother, cousin or cousin's cousin was studying here and I have to meets some distant relation's expectation. I dont have a boyfriend whom I wanted to marry and if I stayed back I would have married of to someone else. I don't have a family depending on me. Then what is it? My depression, my low self-esteem. I think that's what drove me.
I desperately wanted to get away from life as it was. All my childhood I was pampered, not by my parents but by my teachers and all grown ups other than my parents. And then when things dint so good in college I was extremely unhappy with myself. I wanted to get away. Maybe that's the reason why I did better than even the best students in my class in GRE and TOFEL. It was a desperate attempt to get away. Of course my stay here did not start on a high note, but the past two years has put me once again in that sweet spot of approval. Where people look up to you, admire you. I like that.
I wonder when I go for the VISA and say I am subject to one of the many security clearances how would I feel. Would I feel trapped even after all these years and want to get away or would this time be different. I dont think my name is a common enough "MUSLIM NAME". Yep that's one of the criteria to require additional security checks.
Well I am waiting for that piece of paper. My application has been approved and I am waiting for the hard copy. In December this year I plan to visit India, my visit is long overdue and get my visa stamped. I visit an immigration forum regularly just to get a feel of how things go. Well they don't go so good. People get stuck thanks to the excessive security clearance and name checks. I wont complain, security cannot be compromised right and until a better system is developed one cannot expect anything but chaos.
In all this I was looking back at the last six years and beyond. I don't think I ever had lofty "dollar dreams". I dint have to come here just because my brother, cousin or cousin's cousin was studying here and I have to meets some distant relation's expectation. I dont have a boyfriend whom I wanted to marry and if I stayed back I would have married of to someone else. I don't have a family depending on me. Then what is it? My depression, my low self-esteem. I think that's what drove me.
I desperately wanted to get away from life as it was. All my childhood I was pampered, not by my parents but by my teachers and all grown ups other than my parents. And then when things dint so good in college I was extremely unhappy with myself. I wanted to get away. Maybe that's the reason why I did better than even the best students in my class in GRE and TOFEL. It was a desperate attempt to get away. Of course my stay here did not start on a high note, but the past two years has put me once again in that sweet spot of approval. Where people look up to you, admire you. I like that.
I wonder when I go for the VISA and say I am subject to one of the many security clearances how would I feel. Would I feel trapped even after all these years and want to get away or would this time be different. I dont think my name is a common enough "MUSLIM NAME". Yep that's one of the criteria to require additional security checks.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Missing the ride
Huddled in a corner of the busy station she could do nothing but wonder about her day. It started out quite well, bright and sunny. But a little under half way through everything changed. Everything was happening on schedule until the delays added up. Here she was sitting at the platform a good three days late. She wonders with a bit panic if she would be stranded on the platform forever. She distracts herself with the goings on of things and people around her. But the distraction does not last. It is getting darker by the hour and her despair grows by the minute. Every train that passes by without her makes her a little more anxious. What should she do. As time goes by her hope of reaching her intended destination gets bleaker. She has no choice but to wait it out. If she finds herself at the same place for two more days. She would leave for a totally different destination. One no one including herself had intended.
Monday, July 16, 2007
North and South - by Elizabeth Gaskell
Many a happy times of my life are those sunday afternoons spent reading victorian era fiction and losing myself in those characters and their times. One such afternoon was yesterday ofcourse I did not read but watched the series based on the novel.
After a hectic and anxious friday and saturday spent doing the upgrade the escape to 1854 England was a blessing. I have never heard of Elizabeth Gaskell until I came across this mini series on netflix. Now I am going to read the book and relive it all over again. These are the simple pleasures of life I look forward to.
Here is a little bit about North&South I found on wikipedia:
___________________________________________________________________________________
North and South is a novel by Elizabeth Gaskell, first published in 1854. It originally appeared as a serial in the magazine Household Words. The title indicates a major theme of the book: the contrast between the way of life in the industrial north of England and the wealthier south, although it was only under pressure from her publishers that Gaskell changed the title from its original, Margaret Hale.
North and South presents, as the title suggests, a contrast between the old agricultural gentry of the south of England and the new industrialists of the north. As the wife of a Unitarian minister in Manchester, Elizabeth Gaskell herself worked among the poor and knew at first hand the misery of the industrial areas.
The book is a social novel that tries to show the industrial North and its conflicts in the mid-19th century as seen by an outsider, a socially sensitive lady from the South. The story: the heroine, Margaret Hale, is the daughter of a Nonconformist minister who moves to the fictional industrial town of Milton after leaving the Church of England. The town is modeled after Manchester, where Gaskell lived as the wife of a Unitarian minister.
____________________________________________________________________________________
After a hectic and anxious friday and saturday spent doing the upgrade the escape to 1854 England was a blessing. I have never heard of Elizabeth Gaskell until I came across this mini series on netflix. Now I am going to read the book and relive it all over again. These are the simple pleasures of life I look forward to.
Here is a little bit about North&South I found on wikipedia:
___________________________________________________________________________________
North and South is a novel by Elizabeth Gaskell, first published in 1854. It originally appeared as a serial in the magazine Household Words. The title indicates a major theme of the book: the contrast between the way of life in the industrial north of England and the wealthier south, although it was only under pressure from her publishers that Gaskell changed the title from its original, Margaret Hale.
North and South presents, as the title suggests, a contrast between the old agricultural gentry of the south of England and the new industrialists of the north. As the wife of a Unitarian minister in Manchester, Elizabeth Gaskell herself worked among the poor and knew at first hand the misery of the industrial areas.
The book is a social novel that tries to show the industrial North and its conflicts in the mid-19th century as seen by an outsider, a socially sensitive lady from the South. The story: the heroine, Margaret Hale, is the daughter of a Nonconformist minister who moves to the fictional industrial town of Milton after leaving the Church of England. The town is modeled after Manchester, where Gaskell lived as the wife of a Unitarian minister.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Monday, July 09, 2007
Live Earth - 07/07/07 - My take
Live Earth is a 24-hour, 7-continent concert series taking place on 7/7/07 that will bring together more than 100 music artists and 2 billion people to trigger a global movement to solve the climate crisis. - source: www.liveearth.org
I spent a good part of Saturday catching glimpses of the concert around the world and the accompanying controversy
Pro-Live Earth : Create awareness, nudge people and their governments into action. Every person attending the concert is asked to sign a pledge that they would "go green". The concert was a live example of how a public gathering need not generate huge waste, for instance water provided water in paper cups as opposed to plastic bottles.
Anti-Live Earth: The urgency is exaggerated, if one does not depend oil the economy will go berserk, the concert is in itself creating more waste than it hopes to eliminate. More people drove to the concert creating more pollution than if they would have just stayed home and the concert were not to happen. People tuning into the concert are doing so more for the music and artists than any other reason.
My take: The urgency is relative, if the negative effect of global warming are not visible for the next say 100 years still the it is going to happen after 100 years. And 100 years is a very minuscule amount of time compared to the millions of years since the formation of the earth. The natural resources like oil and natural gas took millions of years to get to where we are, and we are finishing it up in a few thousand years. It is estimated that by 2050 we might use up the oil available today.
The polar caps are already melting at an alarming rate much higher than that expected and estimated my scientists. How then can the crisis not be imminent.
What if people go to these concerts still they are receiving the message. We live in times where we idealize celebrities, maybe the message will get across after all. What if everyone who pledged may not follow thorough but even if half the people do even a small part it would make a big difference.
So what am I doing about?
Enough said now time to evaluate what I do about it.
1. I carry a reusable grocery tote when I go shopping, I don't want those plastic bags on my conscience.
2. The reuse the plastic bags I cannot avoid, as trash bags for the smaller trash cans in my house.
3. I print only if it is absolutely necessary and that too on both sides.
4. I reuse the blank side of the few papers I end up collecting.
5. I drive only if absolutely necessary.
6. Fewer shopping trips, lesser fuel used.
7. I am very prompt is switching of lights and fans whenever not needed.
Things I am yet to work on:
My car, I bought the car less than a year ago and I admit it is a crossover. I wish I could exchange it for a hybrid but cannot afford it right now. I will as soon as I can. But then hybrid cars are not without controversy after all they are not electric cars they do use fossil fuel. May be sometime in future a car running on alternate fuel of some kind maybe even solar energy would come into being and accessible.
For now I am happy with what I am doing and would strive to continue doing is.
I spent a good part of Saturday catching glimpses of the concert around the world and the accompanying controversy
Pro-Live Earth : Create awareness, nudge people and their governments into action. Every person attending the concert is asked to sign a pledge that they would "go green". The concert was a live example of how a public gathering need not generate huge waste, for instance water provided water in paper cups as opposed to plastic bottles.
Anti-Live Earth: The urgency is exaggerated, if one does not depend oil the economy will go berserk, the concert is in itself creating more waste than it hopes to eliminate. More people drove to the concert creating more pollution than if they would have just stayed home and the concert were not to happen. People tuning into the concert are doing so more for the music and artists than any other reason.
My take: The urgency is relative, if the negative effect of global warming are not visible for the next say 100 years still the it is going to happen after 100 years. And 100 years is a very minuscule amount of time compared to the millions of years since the formation of the earth. The natural resources like oil and natural gas took millions of years to get to where we are, and we are finishing it up in a few thousand years. It is estimated that by 2050 we might use up the oil available today.
The polar caps are already melting at an alarming rate much higher than that expected and estimated my scientists. How then can the crisis not be imminent.
What if people go to these concerts still they are receiving the message. We live in times where we idealize celebrities, maybe the message will get across after all. What if everyone who pledged may not follow thorough but even if half the people do even a small part it would make a big difference.
So what am I doing about?
Enough said now time to evaluate what I do about it.
1. I carry a reusable grocery tote when I go shopping, I don't want those plastic bags on my conscience.
2. The reuse the plastic bags I cannot avoid, as trash bags for the smaller trash cans in my house.
3. I print only if it is absolutely necessary and that too on both sides.
4. I reuse the blank side of the few papers I end up collecting.
5. I drive only if absolutely necessary.
6. Fewer shopping trips, lesser fuel used.
7. I am very prompt is switching of lights and fans whenever not needed.
Things I am yet to work on:
My car, I bought the car less than a year ago and I admit it is a crossover. I wish I could exchange it for a hybrid but cannot afford it right now. I will as soon as I can. But then hybrid cars are not without controversy after all they are not electric cars they do use fossil fuel. May be sometime in future a car running on alternate fuel of some kind maybe even solar energy would come into being and accessible.
For now I am happy with what I am doing and would strive to continue doing is.
Friday, July 06, 2007
My American Dream
For the past few weeks..actually two weeks to be precise, I have been thinking of a home for myself. I think this was triggered by Ar's family buying a home. Watching the kid get excited about his room and hearing about all things he would like to do in his yard was very cool.
As of know I can only plan and dream, but my goal, dream and wish is to own a home by the time I turn 30. Thats about three years away, enough time I think to come up with the 20% down payment.(*sigh*) Dream on baby...
As of know I can only plan and dream, but my goal, dream and wish is to own a home by the time I turn 30. Thats about three years away, enough time I think to come up with the 20% down payment.(*sigh*) Dream on baby...
Monday, July 02, 2007
Does it Matter ?
Do people matter, do things matter, does anything matter.
We change everything, some every minute, some everyday, some at regular intervals and some at not so regular intervals. Then is there a point in getting attached to something even for a short time and what is short time. In the grand scheme of things our lives are moments.
Things that were coveted by me are not the same anymore. The things I want now are big and grand. If I ever to get these big and grand things will I sill value them. I am eager to find atleast one thing, living or otherwise for which my desire just keeps growing inspite of posessing it. Is it possible. As of now I dont think so, for I get bored of things, "living and otherwise" the moment I get them. But it will be interesting to watch, if there is anything that does matter.
We change everything, some every minute, some everyday, some at regular intervals and some at not so regular intervals. Then is there a point in getting attached to something even for a short time and what is short time. In the grand scheme of things our lives are moments.
Things that were coveted by me are not the same anymore. The things I want now are big and grand. If I ever to get these big and grand things will I sill value them. I am eager to find atleast one thing, living or otherwise for which my desire just keeps growing inspite of posessing it. Is it possible. As of now I dont think so, for I get bored of things, "living and otherwise" the moment I get them. But it will be interesting to watch, if there is anything that does matter.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Ignorance is Bliss!
Do you know you might never be able to reach me? Yes, never. I have blocked you from all of IM and email Ids, I have blocked you on Orkut. And last night when you called I did not pick up. In the past I used to be so happy to hear from you. I used to be so happy to recieve a mail from you. And now I am just too nervous. I do not want to let myself hurt anymore. And if I were to talk to you thats what is going to happen. With the weekend ahead I do not want to allow myself to mope around. I have a very strong feeling that you are leaving for home this weekend and yesterdays call was some form of final farewell. I dont want to know about it. I am not leaving anything to chance. I want to be ignorant of the goings on, because Ignorance is bliss!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Desensitization - Is it the way to go ?
I consider myself a very emotionally sensitive person. Anything that is said about anything relevant to me effects me. One such very important thing in my life is my religion. I am trying to be as good a Muslim as I can be. The importance I give to my religion is also making me extremely sensitive to what is said and thought about Islam and Muslims.
I cringe when Islam and terrorist is used in the same sentence. And I cringe several times a day. Especially the times when I read rediff.com. I should break out of this stupid habit of reading rediff articles and comments. How caustic those comments can be... Every single things is taken out of context, made a mockery of, twisted and spat out. Without any regard of hurting anyone sentiments or making any attempt of checking facts. Growing up I studied in a Catholic school my classes were always a mix of several religions. Not once did I feel out of place. Religion never even entered any kind of discussion but for the time of festivals. And even then the only context was new clothes and food. Today reading those comments in black and white was disturbing.
Today the Muslim population around the world is 1.5 billion and contrary to popular belief although Islam is often associated with the Arab world and the Middle East, fewer than 15% of Muslims are Arab. SO now Can 1.5 billion people be all rogues and terrorists. Does that seem logical. Why is not the conflict in the middle east treated as a regional conflict and not religious conflict. Do Muslims in India participate or in any way are directly effected by what happens in the middle east. May be in some distant philosophical sense any human suffering someplace effects you. But in a practical sense does it. Then why do people in India even bother to demean their fellow citizens.
I once read the suggestion that Muslims should call themselves something else to avoid the bad reputation. I am an Indian, a proud Indian. If a few criminals from my country, say 20 from a population of 1 billion were to commit an atroicious act somewhere in the world. Say the media was splashed with news about how the Indian criminals did something so awful. Do I change my identity. Should I change my identity. Should I rename everything associated with my culture and heritage. Does that seem right, no, it is not.
I am a walking billboard of Islam if you will. I wear the scarf and everyday trash every stereotype one might have about Muslim women. I try to be extra nice to people around me and when I am asked questions about my religion I try my best to give facts, and trash out some more stereotypes. I am independent and good at what I do. I am extra careful to not give anybody an opportunity to underestimate me and all I need to do now is to develop thick skin and pray for the ability to forgive and forget.
I cringe when Islam and terrorist is used in the same sentence. And I cringe several times a day. Especially the times when I read rediff.com. I should break out of this stupid habit of reading rediff articles and comments. How caustic those comments can be... Every single things is taken out of context, made a mockery of, twisted and spat out. Without any regard of hurting anyone sentiments or making any attempt of checking facts. Growing up I studied in a Catholic school my classes were always a mix of several religions. Not once did I feel out of place. Religion never even entered any kind of discussion but for the time of festivals. And even then the only context was new clothes and food. Today reading those comments in black and white was disturbing.
Today the Muslim population around the world is 1.5 billion and contrary to popular belief although Islam is often associated with the Arab world and the Middle East, fewer than 15% of Muslims are Arab. SO now Can 1.5 billion people be all rogues and terrorists. Does that seem logical. Why is not the conflict in the middle east treated as a regional conflict and not religious conflict. Do Muslims in India participate or in any way are directly effected by what happens in the middle east. May be in some distant philosophical sense any human suffering someplace effects you. But in a practical sense does it. Then why do people in India even bother to demean their fellow citizens.
I once read the suggestion that Muslims should call themselves something else to avoid the bad reputation. I am an Indian, a proud Indian. If a few criminals from my country, say 20 from a population of 1 billion were to commit an atroicious act somewhere in the world. Say the media was splashed with news about how the Indian criminals did something so awful. Do I change my identity. Should I change my identity. Should I rename everything associated with my culture and heritage. Does that seem right, no, it is not.
I am a walking billboard of Islam if you will. I wear the scarf and everyday trash every stereotype one might have about Muslim women. I try to be extra nice to people around me and when I am asked questions about my religion I try my best to give facts, and trash out some more stereotypes. I am independent and good at what I do. I am extra careful to not give anybody an opportunity to underestimate me and all I need to do now is to develop thick skin and pray for the ability to forgive and forget.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Sivaji ..... My first Tamil Movie in years
I dont remember the last time I saw a tamil movie. When Ar's family decided to watch Sivaji last weekend I joined them. The movie was courtesy of the local Tamil Sangam. I have never been a fan of Rajinikanth, for that matter I am not a fan of any actor or actress.
I did enjoy the movie, not that it had any logic. But the comedy was good which had me laughing really hard and the songs were visually beautiful and elaborate. The actress Shriya was very pretty. Other than that there is nothing else worth mentioning. I am not sure what the guys sitting in the row behind us found so entertaining or exciting. It was like a tradition of whistiling and screaming that they had to keep up. It got irritating at times.
I did enjoy the movie, not that it had any logic. But the comedy was good which had me laughing really hard and the songs were visually beautiful and elaborate. The actress Shriya was very pretty. Other than that there is nothing else worth mentioning. I am not sure what the guys sitting in the row behind us found so entertaining or exciting. It was like a tradition of whistiling and screaming that they had to keep up. It got irritating at times.
Friday, June 22, 2007
A Well Known Stranger
I have known you from the day you were born. I have taken pride in you, played with you, yelled at you, fought with you,yet do I know you.
Its been four years since I have seen you.I happened to see your pictures. How much you have changed. I hardly recognize you. How articulate you are. I remember your first words. I see how popular you are, how enterprising. You are all things I am not, but would have liked to be. Our lives started at the same place, they ran parallel for most of our lives and then parallel yet so far apart that they cannot be called parallel anymore nor can they ever intersect. You ask me "why do I get embarassed to show affection?" and thats sums it up. I am too embarrased to show affection. I am not as social as you are. You have a way with people, you have a way with friends, you have a way with relatives. You are so sure of yourself. Would you be like me if you were "like" me. Maybe not. You just wouldnt care. You have a way of making people obligated and I took it to heart when someone makes me feel obligated. You were stubborn and I was not. You asked and I waited and expected for people to know what I want. Was that a good thing. It did not do me any good.
Well, we are just two different people. You are not who you are because of me and maybe thats a good thing. I just wish I could have been like you. Then I would not have been who I am if I were like you. And so we live parallel lives yet we dont...
Its been four years since I have seen you.I happened to see your pictures. How much you have changed. I hardly recognize you. How articulate you are. I remember your first words. I see how popular you are, how enterprising. You are all things I am not, but would have liked to be. Our lives started at the same place, they ran parallel for most of our lives and then parallel yet so far apart that they cannot be called parallel anymore nor can they ever intersect. You ask me "why do I get embarassed to show affection?" and thats sums it up. I am too embarrased to show affection. I am not as social as you are. You have a way with people, you have a way with friends, you have a way with relatives. You are so sure of yourself. Would you be like me if you were "like" me. Maybe not. You just wouldnt care. You have a way of making people obligated and I took it to heart when someone makes me feel obligated. You were stubborn and I was not. You asked and I waited and expected for people to know what I want. Was that a good thing. It did not do me any good.
Well, we are just two different people. You are not who you are because of me and maybe thats a good thing. I just wish I could have been like you. Then I would not have been who I am if I were like you. And so we live parallel lives yet we dont...
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Camp Curtin Y
Let me give you a little history lesson:
During the American Civil War, over 300,000 soldiers passed through Camp Curtin, making it the largest Federal camp during the Civil War. The camp officially opened on April 18, 1861, and was named in honor of the Governor Andrew Curtin. Harrisburg's location on major railroad lines running east and west, and north and south made it the ideal location for moving men and supplies to the armies in the field.
- Wikipedia
Camp Curtin in my context, the YMCA at Camp Curtin. Three weeks ago I got this brilliant idea of checking out the YMCAs in my area. Workouts in my apartment gym were getting boring. That's when I discovered Camp Curtin Y, it is in a ghetto neigbourhood in a predominantly african american neighbourhood. And I was pleasantly surprised. It is housed in a building built in 1901 yet the gym is very modern. It reminded me of the rec center at school. There is also a Sauna, a steam room and a swimming pool. Not only that three days a week there is this aerobics class. And since I joined two weeks ago, I am there religiously everyday after work. The hour and a half I spend there is the most relaxing time of the day. The aerobics session is awesome, every session is different and the instructor is motivating and has been in the profession for more than 20 years. The gym is pretty good too, finally I get to do the elliptical. Its my favorite machine. I am yet to try the pool. Hopefully next week.
I am also hoping to volunteer there, maybe tutor kids. Filled out an application. That application was so long. There was background check, criminal history check...the whole nine yards. At one point I thought why bother. But then all the "Law and Order SVU" and MSNBC's "Catch the predator" put things in perspective. These elaborate checks are justifiable inconvenience if thats what it takes to keep kids safe. Hope I can inspire and help a few kids do better in school. It would be so special.
During the American Civil War, over 300,000 soldiers passed through Camp Curtin, making it the largest Federal camp during the Civil War. The camp officially opened on April 18, 1861, and was named in honor of the Governor Andrew Curtin. Harrisburg's location on major railroad lines running east and west, and north and south made it the ideal location for moving men and supplies to the armies in the field.
- Wikipedia
Camp Curtin in my context, the YMCA at Camp Curtin. Three weeks ago I got this brilliant idea of checking out the YMCAs in my area. Workouts in my apartment gym were getting boring. That's when I discovered Camp Curtin Y, it is in a ghetto neigbourhood in a predominantly african american neighbourhood. And I was pleasantly surprised. It is housed in a building built in 1901 yet the gym is very modern. It reminded me of the rec center at school. There is also a Sauna, a steam room and a swimming pool. Not only that three days a week there is this aerobics class. And since I joined two weeks ago, I am there religiously everyday after work. The hour and a half I spend there is the most relaxing time of the day. The aerobics session is awesome, every session is different and the instructor is motivating and has been in the profession for more than 20 years. The gym is pretty good too, finally I get to do the elliptical. Its my favorite machine. I am yet to try the pool. Hopefully next week.
I am also hoping to volunteer there, maybe tutor kids. Filled out an application. That application was so long. There was background check, criminal history check...the whole nine yards. At one point I thought why bother. But then all the "Law and Order SVU" and MSNBC's "Catch the predator" put things in perspective. These elaborate checks are justifiable inconvenience if thats what it takes to keep kids safe. Hope I can inspire and help a few kids do better in school. It would be so special.
Friday, June 15, 2007
I miss U! I hate U! I hate to miss U!
Yep, that's how I feel. I miss Sid, not a lot, not all the time, but a lot sometimes.
I miss the companionship, I miss being able to share stuff.I miss sharing my small triumphs and big disappointments. I miss being able to brag to him and I miss him bragging. I miss his useful advices, I miss having someone to vent my frustration. I miss being a part of his life (atleast in my mind). I miss his goofiness, his little quirks, his motivation which used to keep me motivated. I miss making him proud of me and I miss him making me proud. I miss his depending on me for small things.I miss him calling me on road asking me to look up stuff. I miss feeling jealous of unnecessary things like the time he would hang out with his female friends and I miss his assuring me that they are not special. I miss his sensing my mood just by my tone. I miss throwing tantrums and having someone put up with it. The list goes on..............
A couple of weeks ago I got my first raise and a mail from my HR praising my work. I wanted to share it with Sid. But I cannot. I could not call Pal or Smita, because that would not have been appropriate, I think. Such times I was able to just call Sid and share my excitement. Not anymore. I called my parents instead but somehow it wasn't the same.
I am a very stubborn person especially when it comes to people and relationships. I know my stubbornness will see me through and I am never going to pick the phone to make a call or write a mail to Sid.
If only my fantasies, my dreams, my yearnings could be fulfilled. Since that's not going to happen I should just live this time out. And with time, hope that this state of loneliness becomes a habit. After all I pride myself at being extremely adaptable ......right! or is it Yeah right!
I miss the companionship, I miss being able to share stuff.I miss sharing my small triumphs and big disappointments. I miss being able to brag to him and I miss him bragging. I miss his useful advices, I miss having someone to vent my frustration. I miss being a part of his life (atleast in my mind). I miss his goofiness, his little quirks, his motivation which used to keep me motivated. I miss making him proud of me and I miss him making me proud. I miss his depending on me for small things.I miss him calling me on road asking me to look up stuff. I miss feeling jealous of unnecessary things like the time he would hang out with his female friends and I miss his assuring me that they are not special. I miss his sensing my mood just by my tone. I miss throwing tantrums and having someone put up with it. The list goes on..............
A couple of weeks ago I got my first raise and a mail from my HR praising my work. I wanted to share it with Sid. But I cannot. I could not call Pal or Smita, because that would not have been appropriate, I think. Such times I was able to just call Sid and share my excitement. Not anymore. I called my parents instead but somehow it wasn't the same.
I am a very stubborn person especially when it comes to people and relationships. I know my stubbornness will see me through and I am never going to pick the phone to make a call or write a mail to Sid.
If only my fantasies, my dreams, my yearnings could be fulfilled. Since that's not going to happen I should just live this time out. And with time, hope that this state of loneliness becomes a habit. After all I pride myself at being extremely adaptable ......right! or is it Yeah right!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Time Lost or Fate playing out !
Time is one thing we can never get back. It seems the one thing that cannot be redeemed, relived or revised. And time lost is my biggest regret. I am not talking about how I should make my day more productive or the time I spend watching Law and Order when I could maybe learn something new or prepare for my certifications. Yes I regret these but I regret much bigger amount of time lost.
Time and again I regret the fact that I have fallen behind in evey aspect of my life. I am surviving and comfortably so, but still there seems to have been so much I have missed out.
I missed out the normal things in a woman's life. I missed out on the attention that a young girl expects to get during the four years of college. I missed out the opportunity to score a good grade. Which I could have because I know I am good. I have proved it many a times during my Master's. Not just a good grade but topping the class. But regret not having put the same effort during those four years. I regret those four years when I should have had the best time of my life, but I was bogged down by depression. By feeling like a second fiddle to my friends. Standing in the sidelines when they got all the attention.
Then moved to the US, still the bad times just followed me. Not able to balance studies and part-time work which took too much of my time and attention. Coupled with the more weight gain which just made me more depressed. Not having an assistantship when everyone else seemed to enjoy a happy comfortable time in terms of money.
A steady stream of rejections based purely on my looks. Not motivated enough to finish my thesis.
By the time I gathered my wits, pulled my act together started doing very well in my courses, finished my thesis, it was late. Two and half years too late. I have fallen behind and I am still lagging.
My peers have already married, made babies, bought homes moved on with comfortable secure futures.
And here I am 27 yrs old still single, living in a studio apartment, with less than 2000 miles on a car which I bought more than six months ago ( read no-where to go), with an uncertain future. I have a good job, which I enjoy and pays me well enough. But will I get the opportunity to stay and continue working here. Will I ever be compensated for the lost time. Or will I just continue to lag behind. And will the time lag just grow.
Can I hope all this to fit the often used "whatever happens, happens for good", or is it just a way of consoling someone who is not lucky enough.
Time and again I regret the fact that I have fallen behind in evey aspect of my life. I am surviving and comfortably so, but still there seems to have been so much I have missed out.
I missed out the normal things in a woman's life. I missed out on the attention that a young girl expects to get during the four years of college. I missed out the opportunity to score a good grade. Which I could have because I know I am good. I have proved it many a times during my Master's. Not just a good grade but topping the class. But regret not having put the same effort during those four years. I regret those four years when I should have had the best time of my life, but I was bogged down by depression. By feeling like a second fiddle to my friends. Standing in the sidelines when they got all the attention.
Then moved to the US, still the bad times just followed me. Not able to balance studies and part-time work which took too much of my time and attention. Coupled with the more weight gain which just made me more depressed. Not having an assistantship when everyone else seemed to enjoy a happy comfortable time in terms of money.
A steady stream of rejections based purely on my looks. Not motivated enough to finish my thesis.
By the time I gathered my wits, pulled my act together started doing very well in my courses, finished my thesis, it was late. Two and half years too late. I have fallen behind and I am still lagging.
My peers have already married, made babies, bought homes moved on with comfortable secure futures.
And here I am 27 yrs old still single, living in a studio apartment, with less than 2000 miles on a car which I bought more than six months ago ( read no-where to go), with an uncertain future. I have a good job, which I enjoy and pays me well enough. But will I get the opportunity to stay and continue working here. Will I ever be compensated for the lost time. Or will I just continue to lag behind. And will the time lag just grow.
Can I hope all this to fit the often used "whatever happens, happens for good", or is it just a way of consoling someone who is not lucky enough.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
It ain't easy !
Devil and Angel are constantly tugging at each other. Annoying each other. How bad can you get, how rude you want to be, how sarcastic you want to be, would you harm if you could, would you wish bad for people you don’t like. Do you get angry when things don’t go your way, do you want and expect things and you to be perfect. Do you feel too lazy to pray. The devil asks. The devil feeds on hatred, ego, pride and power. The there is the angel constantly reminding you. What goes around comes around. Don’t do things you will regret, things which will come back to bite. And the poor conscience is caught in between. It is so easy to be mad, to be impatient but it isn’t easy to be nice. It is a constant struggle between what you want to do and what you should do. I am wondering what would make things easy. Prayer should. I think one should set aside laziness and pray, and that would lead to easier time doing good things.
Monday, June 04, 2007
My Birthday
Turned a year older last friday and none the wiser. I guess but I hope not.
Thanks to my profiles on facebook, myspace and my family, I had a few people wishing me. My whole family called me, not all at the same time. And then there was Sid, left a message with the Birthday Song. Ofcourse I did not return his call.
I am eager and anxious about this year. What would this year bring me. My intution strongly predicts huge changes and I have a feeling next year same time my life would be unrecognizable. What I wait to see is if these changes will make my life better or worse.
Got a raise recently (the first six month raise). Felt good.
Thanks to my profiles on facebook, myspace and my family, I had a few people wishing me. My whole family called me, not all at the same time. And then there was Sid, left a message with the Birthday Song. Ofcourse I did not return his call.
I am eager and anxious about this year. What would this year bring me. My intution strongly predicts huge changes and I have a feeling next year same time my life would be unrecognizable. What I wait to see is if these changes will make my life better or worse.
Got a raise recently (the first six month raise). Felt good.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Scoop out my soul..
I heard those dreaded words and all the emptiness and pain returned. What do you call it when you don’t want to have it and you don’t want anyone else to have it either? Is it case of sour grapes, you are sure you cannot have it, so you assure yourself it is not good for you, you assure yourself you would not be happy with it and when it is in someone else’s reach. You just can’t bear. The want and the pain returns. The pain mentioned in poetry, in songs is real. For a long time I though the pain is a metaphor for loss and disappointment. Yes and Yes. Yes there is loss and disappointment and yes there is literal physical pain. As if someone has used a giant scoop to scoop out your heart, your soul leaving behind a gaping hole. Nothing seems to fill the hole. No amount of anger, no amount of resentment. And I realized something else. I realized why people drink when they are sad, why they do drugs. All this to escape to a state of oblivion. I thought of the Tylenol PM I had. Maybe that could take me to place where it dint matter and help me stay there for sometime. But I couldn't get myself to try it. I lashed out when I heard, I lashed out without any reason, just to vent my anger, my disappointment, my grief, my loss and my helplessness. What else is there to do? The tears which were not needed for a long time now found their way back as if they had never left. Haven’t you heard of all those fail to get someone wished them good things anyways? I ain’t that good of heart. I cannot wish for happiness when I am so miserable. I am not so generous. I don’t want the other to be happy at the cost of my unhappiness. I wish him all the worst; I wish him unhappiness and discontent. I wish him disappointment. And I don’t want to know about it. I want him to suffer but I don’t want to know about it. I want to have another chance to lash out another chance to call names or maybe I don’t even want to speak. My sense of self-pity and helplessness returns. Why always me?
I haven’t received the receipt; this state of uncertainty is taking its toll on me. I am trying so hard not to turn to food. I am losing something so dear to me why can’t I at least have this. Maybe a temporary sense of Euphoria will distract me. Oh dear tears please don’t start again. Not now not here. Because I know once you take over me, every moment I will live in pain, in misery and in dread
I haven’t received the receipt; this state of uncertainty is taking its toll on me. I am trying so hard not to turn to food. I am losing something so dear to me why can’t I at least have this. Maybe a temporary sense of Euphoria will distract me. Oh dear tears please don’t start again. Not now not here. Because I know once you take over me, every moment I will live in pain, in misery and in dread
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
What do your comments say about you ?
Do you ever read the comments at the end of news articles. I do. What do you think about them or do you pay any attention to them at all?
I visit rediff.com a lot. I am not a big fan of this site. I hate the pop-ups and misleading headlines. Still more than once a day I do go there more out of habit than to get any news. And yes I am guilty of going to the entertainment section before anyplace else. I hardly watch any bollywood movies still I like to read about movies. And accompanying these articles and slide shows are the readers comments.
Here are a few of my observations: Whatever be the topic of discussion it will somehow boil down to back and forth messages about north Vs South, Hindus Vs Muslims, Good English Vs Bad English, pro-Aishwarya Vs anti-Aishwarya, loads of name calling and more than a few commenting how rediff should stop reporting about such useless news and there is so much better and more important news to report out there.
Why are we like this. For instances none of the comments of yahoo articles have such name calling or anything directed towards fellow readers. If Yahoo readers disagree with the authors. That's what they say and also add their two cents about why they disagree. But rediff is a totally different story.
Whenever movies are discussed for sure someone says how south Indian movies are superior and a north Indian calls him 'Idli-Sambar' and comment on how the south Indian actors are dark, fat and ugly. The south Indian replies back with a nasty comment.
If a Muslim reader,Muslim not based on his opinion but his name, were to offer an opinion. Somehow the topic gets twisted and turned and gets to terrorism and how the Muslims should go live in Pakistan.
And then there are comments about each others English, spelling, grammar and intention, nothing is spared. Here again there are various combinations of insults like whose English is better, the North India Vs South India conflict.
Aishwarya Rai is a category by herself. What with her wedding and all. Its like she is too beautiful to be good so she must be bad. Her intentions must be bad, how she prostrates at Tirupati is an issue, how she holds a banana or drapes a Saree is an issue.
Why Why Why
We are a country, but why are we so divided at least those readers are. All regions and religions have co-existed for centuries. Did we live with this prejudice and hatred all this time or is it just getting worse. Why does the color of our skin matter, why how our actors look matter.What if the English is bad, it is not even our language.I am guilty of this myself. Maybe one of the reasons is I am so comfortable with the language that I would want everyone including me to be good at it. Why don't we just leave Aishwarya Rai alone. I am not at all a fan of her, for that matter I am a fan of no actor or actress. And beyond all this rediff has pages and pages of news about everything. One does not find any comments for articles about our economic growth or foreign policy. By the way why click on the article named "Salman without a shirt" and gripe about how bad he is, or about him being a Muslim or even rediff for there so much more important news than this to report. Well, why click on the link at all.
And last but not the least. Why should I read those comments. Well I have stopped. Instead of getting frustrated at my fellow readers I just resist my urge to scroll to the bottom of the page to the comments !!!!
I visit rediff.com a lot. I am not a big fan of this site. I hate the pop-ups and misleading headlines. Still more than once a day I do go there more out of habit than to get any news. And yes I am guilty of going to the entertainment section before anyplace else. I hardly watch any bollywood movies still I like to read about movies. And accompanying these articles and slide shows are the readers comments.
Here are a few of my observations: Whatever be the topic of discussion it will somehow boil down to back and forth messages about north Vs South, Hindus Vs Muslims, Good English Vs Bad English, pro-Aishwarya Vs anti-Aishwarya, loads of name calling and more than a few commenting how rediff should stop reporting about such useless news and there is so much better and more important news to report out there.
Why are we like this. For instances none of the comments of yahoo articles have such name calling or anything directed towards fellow readers. If Yahoo readers disagree with the authors. That's what they say and also add their two cents about why they disagree. But rediff is a totally different story.
Whenever movies are discussed for sure someone says how south Indian movies are superior and a north Indian calls him 'Idli-Sambar' and comment on how the south Indian actors are dark, fat and ugly. The south Indian replies back with a nasty comment.
If a Muslim reader,Muslim not based on his opinion but his name, were to offer an opinion. Somehow the topic gets twisted and turned and gets to terrorism and how the Muslims should go live in Pakistan.
And then there are comments about each others English, spelling, grammar and intention, nothing is spared. Here again there are various combinations of insults like whose English is better, the North India Vs South India conflict.
Aishwarya Rai is a category by herself. What with her wedding and all. Its like she is too beautiful to be good so she must be bad. Her intentions must be bad, how she prostrates at Tirupati is an issue, how she holds a banana or drapes a Saree is an issue.
Why Why Why
We are a country, but why are we so divided at least those readers are. All regions and religions have co-existed for centuries. Did we live with this prejudice and hatred all this time or is it just getting worse. Why does the color of our skin matter, why how our actors look matter.What if the English is bad, it is not even our language.I am guilty of this myself. Maybe one of the reasons is I am so comfortable with the language that I would want everyone including me to be good at it. Why don't we just leave Aishwarya Rai alone. I am not at all a fan of her, for that matter I am a fan of no actor or actress. And beyond all this rediff has pages and pages of news about everything. One does not find any comments for articles about our economic growth or foreign policy. By the way why click on the article named "Salman without a shirt" and gripe about how bad he is, or about him being a Muslim or even rediff for there so much more important news than this to report. Well, why click on the link at all.
And last but not the least. Why should I read those comments. Well I have stopped. Instead of getting frustrated at my fellow readers I just resist my urge to scroll to the bottom of the page to the comments !!!!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
"Who moved my Cheese ?"
Sid wanted me to read this book for sometime now. It is a simple yet inspirational story, all in metaphors, the kind I like. It is a small book that can be completed in an hour or so but it consists of so many things that one can relate too.
In it cheese is a metaphor for all things we want, be it a better job, better life, better relationship, better health or just a better self or anything for that matter which, when had we think it would make us happy. But when we get what we want, atleast when I get what I want I become complacent and not only that I also take for granted what I got.
These are the things the story and the underlying motive behind the story warns us about. And when things dont go my way I complain, that is when I dont get my cheese I complain, sulk, get depressed. But time and again I have seen for myself that in the end I have always gotten better cheese. I am unhappy that I did not graduate earlier, but if I had I would not have been working in the field I am now, which I enjoy, not in the company I am with, which I like and not for the boss I am working for, from whom I get to learn so much.
All my failed relationships, in retrospect failed for the best, I cannot imagine myself being with any of those people.
Also I am very resistant to change, dont want to move myself from my comfort zone. One good example for that is the job I had with M. Instead of just continuing with her I could have made an effort to go look for a new assistantship in another department. And most other departments had better paying jobs and would have been less taxing in terms of time as well as emotional well being.
Another lesson I learned and I am yet to put into practice is not to take myself seriously. I take myself way too seriously, I should just lighten up a little bit and goof around. Laugh at myself and let go of negative emotions.
I know all this is not going to happen overnight, and it wont be easy to steer way from my comfort zone of emotions even if they are negative. I just hope I make the concious effort...Good Luck to meeeeeeeee
In it cheese is a metaphor for all things we want, be it a better job, better life, better relationship, better health or just a better self or anything for that matter which, when had we think it would make us happy. But when we get what we want, atleast when I get what I want I become complacent and not only that I also take for granted what I got.
These are the things the story and the underlying motive behind the story warns us about. And when things dont go my way I complain, that is when I dont get my cheese I complain, sulk, get depressed. But time and again I have seen for myself that in the end I have always gotten better cheese. I am unhappy that I did not graduate earlier, but if I had I would not have been working in the field I am now, which I enjoy, not in the company I am with, which I like and not for the boss I am working for, from whom I get to learn so much.
All my failed relationships, in retrospect failed for the best, I cannot imagine myself being with any of those people.
Also I am very resistant to change, dont want to move myself from my comfort zone. One good example for that is the job I had with M. Instead of just continuing with her I could have made an effort to go look for a new assistantship in another department. And most other departments had better paying jobs and would have been less taxing in terms of time as well as emotional well being.
Another lesson I learned and I am yet to put into practice is not to take myself seriously. I take myself way too seriously, I should just lighten up a little bit and goof around. Laugh at myself and let go of negative emotions.
I know all this is not going to happen overnight, and it wont be easy to steer way from my comfort zone of emotions even if they are negative. I just hope I make the concious effort...Good Luck to meeeeeeeee
Thursday, March 22, 2007
"Dont work so much"
I was told this today by my Boss. I am not sure how to take it. I have gotten into the habit of trying to finish off the things I start during the day well into the evening. Today my Boss told me, if it is not crucial conserve your energy.There is no need to do stuff in the evenings.
How shall I take it. Is it him being an effective manager or is there anything not so good behind it.
How shall I take it. Is it him being an effective manager or is there anything not so good behind it.
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