Perverts - An unpleasant encounter

I am becoming more and more skeptical of the real world. It is making me very catious and nervous.

Thanks to my ad for a place to live on a website frequented by desis, I have all sorts of ppl calling me,IMing and emailing.

Yesterday a very weird person called. When he first started speaking my share of the rent was $650 and at the end of the conversation it was $270. Wondering what happened in those few mins.

Well after a couple of minutes into the conversation he started speaking dirty. In the beginning I thought he was joking. But my God, havent heard anyone more desperate. I wanted to politely end the conversation (Silly me!) and had to finally hang up.

Why do such people exist? I wouldnt want to find myself within a 1 mile radius of such people. Is it possible. This is what scares me the most. I would not say all men are like this. But there are quite a few. And this is not my first encounter. Spme people seem to be interested in nothing more. And all this when I am not even good looking. I sometimes pity the pretty ones. Or is it me. Am I doing something wrong. I think I should change the way I speak. A little more to the point. No point in trying to be friendly with total strangers.

I spoke to a lady who wants to take a paying guest in her family home. I hope it works out. I hope it doesnt come to me having to live with a Guy.Yuck!!!

A Whole New World

Ahemmm ....... Me and my silly Fantasies !!!!

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

by B.J. Thomas
album: Very Best Of B.J. Thomas (1997)

Here is one my Current Favourite Songs - Sing along & Enjoy

Click below to play music


Raindrops are falling on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed,
Nothing seems to fit
Those
Raindrops are falling on my head,
They keep falling.

So I just did me some talking to the sun,
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done,
Sleeping on the job
Those
Raindrops are falling on my head they keep falling

But there's one thing, I know
The blues they sent to meet me won't defeat me.
It won't be long 'till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red.
Crying's not for me, cuz
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon turning red
Crying's not for me
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me

Homeless Still - My Blog Is it Private?

Two weeks now. Still homeless. Still haven't found anyplace good enough. M would be my last resort. Maybe the only one. I did till her I cannot afford S D. She was fine. She justs starts talking and never stops. Her stuff is in the room ..... Is it OK with me. Her stuff is in the closet .... Is it OK. My God why am I paying the rent. I don't know if all this will workout. Then I think it is after all a matter of couple of months. Should I bother myself so much. Why can I never figure out clear cut answers.

I did not work on my thesis today. Somehow couldn't. I hope I come early tomorrow and not leave until I finish. Cannot delay anymore. Dr M has a very bad tendency of finding more stuff for me to do. I hope he sets a date and get done with it. I should run all the programs tomorrow. I work better under pressure. When Dr M was after me for the paper I could think nothing but my thesis. Now that he has not given me any deadlines I am slacking. I am sure Sid wont be happy. Well yes Sid wont be happy.

And how will he know about this. Thanks to me. Now I know of three ppl who read my Blog. P , A and now Sid. P is like my sister I want her to know the things happening in my Life. She knows all about me. Every fear, every insecurity, everything. Letting A know was totally out of my control. I could do nothing about it. But Sid, well totally different story. I don't know.

Will I able to write my mind, should I even mind. Should I be embarrassed or just express my feelings and not care. Does anyone care what I think of them. I don't think so. And if I am making myself vulnerable so be it. Anyways nothing cannot touch me anymore. I am not letting anybody get any closer. Somethings are best admired from a distance. A candle might brighten up the darkest of thoughts, but hold it close to your heart it will burn u. You wont have anyone to blame but urself. I wont let that happen. Enough of letting ppl invade my territory.

I should start now, a long walk back home. And no I am not calling anyone as I first thought. Old habits are best left alone. It is me time from now on. Me and only me. Everyone else "No entry"

Love thy self for you cannot find a more reliable companion

My wishlist

I have been so negative, to brighten things up I thought I would compile a list of things I want to do In my life. The list cannot be restricted to 10 but I will start with 10 and add to it as and when I do it. Mind you the list is in random order.

1. Graduate
2. Travel around the world by sea
3. Own a BMW
4. Lose 40 pounds
5. Own a House by the Sea - Open a Window and feel the breeze from the sea
6. Counsel troubled teens
7. Adopt a child - from a very financially backward background
8. Start an Orphanage
9. Build a house for my parents
10. Perform Hajj with my family - my parents and brother

To be continued .........................

I hope and pray these things come true

Listing Troubles

I have decided to list my troubles I have at the moment and stare at them long enough so that they can disappear. Well that aint gonna happen. But I will list them anyways

1. I am yet to finish the correction in results chapter
2. I still don't know where I will be staying come July 28th
3. My OPT - don't know how many problems might arise
4. I am going to apply for I-94 replacement - What happens if I don't get it
etc etc

I feel so helpless and so insecure. I wish I can have the positive attitude everyone seems to talk about. According Islam pessimism is a sin. Because it means you don't trust in God. I want to be an optimist. But slightest sign of trouble and discomfort shakes me up. I so want to change that. This is the root cause for my unhappiness. I am praying a lot these days. But I still haven't developed the trust that everything will workout. I hope and wish I develop that attitude. Do what I have to do, pray and forget the rest. My parents keep telling me this time and again. I know it is not very pleasant living around a person who complains and victimizes oneself all the time. It is not pleasant living around me for even myself. God, give me the strength, the optimism, the ability to be cheerful. I don't know if I was ever a happy person but lately I notice myself complaining to anyone and everyone who is at earshot. I hate it.

Flowers in my Garden - OPT Ordeal

I gave all the required documents to apply for OPT to ISFO. They will review and I will have to check with them on Wednesday. I hope everything worksout. I am never confident about such things. There is too much probability of things going wrong and things are never easy for me. I can only hope and pray that thin gs go smoothly.

Time for metaphors. In the garden of my imagination there is a bed of flowers. All flowers created equal by God and the distinguished my men. Do the flowers know that they are different. Do they recognize the differences among they. Are they concious of their selves. Whether or not they are aware of these things, the men who come to pluck these flowers seem to be able to categorize them. Some flowers are picked at first sight, some have to wait longer and some just wither away. What are the flowers thinking when the time to pick comes. Are the flowers that are picked lucky or are the ones that are left behind. Is it better to go on an adventerous journey and wither or just be.

What would I like, do I Know!

Oh Well!

Moving was a pain. Felt absolutely homeless for a few hours. God Bless H, have a place to say. But the tragedy is my thesis. While working on my paper, some inconsistencies were discovered. Translation, will have to redo my results chapter. A real pain and I am afraid all my assumptions will come out and I will be in trouble. I have asked Dr.M for the OPT letter. Gave him a sample letter yesterday. I hope he gives it to me soon. I will be at peace after I successfully apply. Another decision I have made. I dont want to live here. I understood the value of my family. And they are by me thru everything. I would like to go back. I don't think I can live here for long. The loneliness and lack of security is driving me crazy. My parents are the only people whom I can call and speak my heart out any time. There is no one else. It is easy for everyone else to abandon me.

Sid did. We used to speak everyday, share everything going on in our lives. But it did not matter to him when he stopped speaking. This shows how unimportant I was to him. And then the rest, friends & roommates, have their own lives, own significant others to be with.

I think I want to God and my parents. Only these three entities are consistent in my life. It is my turn now. I will start abandoning people, not that anyone cares. Another thing I also want to give up my sins, and sinful actions. I was never like this, but I am on a steady path towards a very sinful life. And it is a result of insecurity and attention seeking nature of mine. I am going to get rid of all such meaningless temptations. No good can come of it. I only feel guilty. Regularly praying helps. H's house is a nice environment. It keeps me on track. I should have lived with her.

And yes last 4 pounds last week. All the moving has had its effect.

Freaky Friday

Yup ! Mr.K Is coming to meet me this Friday. That's tomorrow. It is going to be a hectic day. Will be moving tomorrow. I disposed of so much stuff. Still there is so much more. The suitcases are so heavy. I don't know how I am going to manage.

Met Dr.M today. We did not do much today. He wanted to start revising my paper. Then said he will just do it and mail me. Again he was speaking to me about politics, my job, all sorts of things. I should have finished my thesis and paper earlier. It would have given me so much free time. I am happy it is done albeit late.

Coming back to Mr.K. He will be here about 10. Have a lot to do before he comes. Have to go meet H early tomorrow. I hope things go well. I am not anxious or excited but my parents are. And so is Mrs.K. I can see, she really likes me. She calls me every other day. Literally. But things always aren't that straight forward. If he has a problem with me, it will be about my looks. I just have to get thru it.

Get me a duct tape -- For my mouth

Really ! I cant believe myself. How stupid am I. Do u remember the list I made a couple of days ago. Well, I broke the rule. Big time. With the most unlikely of people. Dr.M. I met him today to give him the hard copy of my thesis and paper. He went over it quickly and then for some strange reason I begin to rant. It was as if I needed approval. That I am moving on with life. I told him about Mr.K , Mrs.K and for some reason gave the impression that things are settled. And then he advised me about family life. It felt good. It was like speaking to my dad.

But why did I do that. It was almost fabrication. Why am I seeking approval. And added to that Mrs.K isn't coming, only Mr.K. I don't care. But when I told my parents, there reaction unsettled me. They were not happy. And I know why. They have this feeling that a young guy will judge me based only on my looks and elders would go deeper than that.

U know what's sad. It is all boiling down to my looks. And no I am not complaining. I get, my parents anxiety. But, it is just so unfortunate.Yes, I also judge ppl by their looks. But however unfair it may seem, I don't want anyone judging me by the way I look.

Unfair Huh! So is life !

Am I Romantic or a Psycho !

I am not sure if this will surprise you or this very common. I have these weird fantasies. They are ofcourse not weird to me, but I think most ppl will call them weird. I day dream, fantasize quite a lot. It is my favorite pass time. And no, we haven't gotten to the weird part yet.

My fantasy is to be in an accident. A death defying accident. And no I am not fantasing about the pain or the accident. But the one fictitious person who loves me more than anything in this world. Leaning by me, by my bed, crying his eyes out, remember the last scene of 'alai payuthe'. Telling me how important I am, and how he cannot imagine a life without me. Romantic, aint it. Sick is it?


Coming back to reality. Nothing of that sort is going to happen. No accident, no one to cry by my bedside. Yes my family would but no one else.

how normal am i , HUH

You Are 60% Normal

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

How Normal Are You?

Memories Galore !

"Log chale jathe hain, aur yadein chod jathe hain!"

I was going thru my stuff today. Will be done living here soon. I cannot afford to keep all the stuff I have. So started disposing off as much as possible. Got rid of most of my stuff. Still more to go. Saw how wasteful i was. So much stuff I spent on, and never used it. Hundreds of dollars. Books, cosmetics, clothes.

And then it started. It was easy disposing off stuff I bought, but going thru gifts was difficult. Every fond memory came back. I have gotten so many gifts over the years, I am very grateful for them, for the thought behind them. The barbies, all six of them bring back fond memories when my life was simpler. Read thru R's cards, letters and was reminded of all the good times we had. She is my best friend and I dont want to and will not find a replacement. My first birthday here she sent me so many cards. I want to reach out to my other friends from undergrad. But right now I feel very ashamed of myself. I want to atleast find a job before I call them.

I am meeting Dr.M tomorrow. I finished writing the paper and correcting my thesis. I am sure I will have to make a lot of changes. I will find the paper full of red marks. I just hope he doesnt think the paper was a complete failure. I hope he gives me the letter for my OPT.

Transitions !

Life as I know it is coming to an end. It scares me and it excites me. Come July 14 I have no place to call my own. I am going to be homeless. I am going to be out of my comfort zone, literally. I don't know where to stay, where to go, what to do. Life seems to be so insecure. Lets see where my life takes me.

My training as of now does not start until the 29th. And I am getting into this knowing fully well that it will pose its own set of challenges. And these are real challenges impacting my future. However honey coated the conversation maybe they are a business and I am a gullible person. I am aware of that. I am yet to learn to talk tough. Yet to learn how not to be fooled by my fellow human beings. And the first step towards the goal is my realization of a few things.

1. Not to trust anyone no matter who they are.
2. If someone owes you money or a favor go under the assumption that it wont be returned.
3. Not to get emotionally attached or involved with anyone.
4. Stay extremely practical
5. Emotions of any kind are best kept to oneself
6. Never think that people like you, they don't have to no matter how good you are to them.
7. Don't share your feelings with anyone. Baring ones soul = People taking advantage
8. Keep secrets. Secrets should remain secrets.
9. Never to build hopes on anything. Prepare for the worst.
10.You are your only friend.

I know all these seem very negative. But trust me I am not depressed. Following these things seem to make life more livable and less disappointing. And yes I have started implementing these things in my life.

Snappy

Finally I am getting somewhere. Met Dr.M two days in a row. have a few changes to make to my thesis. Working on the fourth draft. Its certainly looking much better. Spoke to Mr.GM. The training starts july 29. I dont know where I am going to stay for those two weeks. I hope things workout.

Mrs.K and her son are coming July 14. Somehow I dont care. I feel very dettached.