A different me

I know, I know, I was supposed to finish catching up, I said in a few hours. Got a little side tracked. I have an idea. I will continue about my trip later. Let me do some talking about the present. Yes, there is a lot of sadness and discontent in my life. And writing my heart out here feels very good. But for a change I wont dwell on my sadness in this post.

I have taken assembler and advanced programming in C++ this semester. School started on Jan 17. I have been a little complacent this semester, which is not good. I am going to get on track this weekend. Have an assignment due on Monday and another due on Tuesday. I am yet to start working, but I am going to finish them both before Monday.

My job search also needs some momentum. The Intel website is still giving me trouble. It is one of my strong desires to work for Intel. It will be like a dream coming true. I have decided that I will join a consultant in May. Its high time I take charge.

I met Dr.M on Jan 17. He said that he has still not started reading my thesis. I hope he does it soon and lets me defend without too much trouble. I am going to give up on it if he is not satisfied or something like that. I cant keep dragging this on for the rest of my life.

One other thing I am happy about it is my fitness regime. Since school started I have been working out very regularly and watching my diet too. I have started doing strength training along with cardio. I have not lost any weight since I have started. For some reason I am not very worried. Never have I done as much strength training as I am doing now. And I have a feeling that I am building muscle , hence the no difference in weight. I also feel less pressured this time. I am doing this just for myself this time. I don't have a deadline, I am not doing it to please anybody, I have not set any time or weight goal. I think I am doing all the right things and yes I do slip sometimes. But that's fine. I will do what I have too and not care about the result. No point in stressing myself out or getting obsessed. I am also cooking quite a bit. Cooking is therapeutic and yes not spending money on eating out is also good. I found milled flax. Using it quite a bit. Adding a lot of milk to my diet. I have also subscribed to an online journal which will help me keep track of my weight, diet and exercise. It costs 5 dollars per month. It has a calorie and nutrient counter and many such tools. It will be fun.

J is leaving on Tuesday. I will miss her. And yes I am thinking of getting off anti-Depressants. Their long time effects seem to be really bad. Dependency, Sexual dysfunction etc. And if stopped after long use, the withdrawal symptoms are too bad. I better stop now. I have not taken it today. Lets see how it goes.

alright then I will get back to assembler. Will be back soon. Maybe tomorrow...

One of my favourites

Truly Madly Deeply
Savage Garden
(Savage Garden)

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on

A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish to send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of

The highest powers
In lonely hours
The tears devour you

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right here before you
All that you need will surely come

I'll be your dream I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to live like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

Catching UP!

I know it has been a very long time. I was busy I think. Or may be not, I was just not in the mood. Here I am. I have loads to write about. Many significant and not so significant things have happened. Let me begin where I left. As planned I left for Seattle on Jan 6. The planning and shopping was very cool. J took me shopping. I bought some cool stuff. That was fun.I also got my haircut. I dint intend to make it any shorter but thats how it turned out. But I think it looked alright.Sid teased me real bad over the phone when I told him.Finally the day came. My flight was at 7. I left home at 1:30 as I had to take the Greyhound to Chicago and the only bus was at 2:40. And I was extremely mad at Sid. He had not called all morning that day.And I was fuming. I expected him to check with me if I had taken everything. But no. That didnt happen. Finally he calls me at 2:00 p.m. I let him know that I am mad. He had some excuse that he was busy or something like that. Maybe he was busy.

Anyways I was feeling a strange kind of nervousness. It was not like I am meeting him for the first time. Anyways I got to the airport on time. And Sid made sure he checked on me regularly. And the flight was delayed by more than an hour. It was a 4.5 hr journey. I read for an hour, I slept for a couple of hours and I cried for for close to an hour. I was by the window looking out to a clear sky with stars everywhere and I couldnt help but cry. Cried for all things I wanted and will never have, Cried for all things that could have happened and never did. It was good thing it was the middle of the night and everyone next to me was asleep and I was with my face towards the window. I was a very peaceful experience, just me, the sky and the stars.

Finally my plane landed. I didnt know what to expect. He was to meet me at the Baggage claim but it was a big airport. I called him and was trying to look for him. And he was right behind me. I got a big hug. And he liked my hair. I could see that he like it. That felt real good. I let him carry all my stuff. We got into his car. He asked me if he is to give me the kiss he owed. And I said ofcourse not.

Anyways it was a nice ride home. He had gotten samosas for me. I had one and we retired for the night. I couldnt sleep, he dozed off. I was tossing and turning. Tried to read, tried all sorts of things. Finally I slept at 6 a.m. And then he made me tea in the morning, he had also made tapioca for me. Introduced me to his roommate. He was a pretty good guy too. And then I dressed and all was good. But what was I thinking, could I be happy for long. NO.

I will continue in a few hours .......

What's Ahead!

Sorry for the delay. Like all things was postponing this too. Anyways the good news is got A's in both courses last semester. Bad news is everything else.

Have off until Jan 2. I don't look forward to going to work on Jan 3. The last week M made my life miserable. Anyways I have decided to think less of her. Come Jan 3, she is a necessary evil anyways. Why spoil my mood now itself. I have enough going on as it is.

Prem wrote to me today. He is getting married to Esther on Jan 16. I wish him the very best. The little I know him, he is a very good guy. Very down to earth, very simple, humble, unpretentious and reasonable. And what he has told me of Esther, she seems to be like him too. I feel very happy for him. He is one of the success stories of s.c. I have kind of known him since he first started speaking to Easther. She is pretty, they make a perfect match.Good Luck and Best wishes and all happiness to them.

Will be flying to Seattle on Jan 6. This maybe the last time I will meet Sid. I want to savor every moment of it. But I am not sure if I will. I am with him all the time. I just hope after I come back I don't feel terribly sad and depressed. Well we will see about that, wont we.

Finally!!! I am done! Atleast for now!

Finished my finals today. I am not sure if I did well. I hope I get a good grade. Getting As in both will be cool. I not sure if C++ will be curved. I am curious about it because it is so ambiguous. I don't even want to think about it. I don't care. I don't know what the policy for curving is. Now that exams are done I should start planning my rest of the winter.

I am at AAC now. I was hoping to get out of here by 6:30. Doesn't look like it. M wants me to stay. She was the one who said I can leave at 6:30. Well she is the boss.Anyways I get outta here whenever I get out. But I am tired for sure. My back is aching too. I have been sitting and studying since Saturday. Maybe that's why.

Yesterday something interesting happened.Over the weekend myself and Sid have had some interesting exchanges which was border line argument. And yesterday he said something and I started yelling at him. Well he was commenting about something and I din't like it. He realized it even as he was saying. He finished the sentence with a sorry. And I started yelling. He went completely silent. It was funny. And then he says "I think we are losing each other". For someone who hears this, it may seem like we are breaking up or something. But it was endearing, in a very weird way. He sounded so sad. And I think he felt worse when I dint give a reply. As if I also think so. Maybe I don't think so, but I wanted him to think that. Maybe he is right. I get sadistic pleasure in hurting people who like me.

And then after he said that I just changed the topic to something very random. I am not sure if he has made his decision yet. But I am in no mood to care about it anymore. Then he called to wake me up this morning and then again after my exam and then again while he was leaving for home. As if he was trying to make amends. Well I don't mind. I will just enjoy it while it stays. I guess !!!

Approaching an end !

Its December already. Very soon the semester is going to come to an end. Monday and Tuesday are my exams. And then I will done for this semester. May be end of my student life. I hope so. I gave my thesis to my prof to look it over. Hopefully all goes well and I am able to defend in January. I am so ready to get done with it. Like I said earlier I am curious about my life, my future. I think anything will be better than now.Your guess is as good as mine. Lets see.


And another thing. I think my association with Sid wont be for long. He is edging towards making a decision. At some point this is to happen. And I think I am preparing myself real well. Yesterday when he was telling me about his indecision, I was surprised at myself I dint feel much of anything. Maybe I have started accepting it. Thats good isnt it. I dont know myself. Maybe I will grieve and mourn the loss.But what about Vinnci's parents , Justin's parents. What about them. If they can survive I can too. My loss is definitely not close to theirs.

Anyways now I have to plan my future. I like planning. It is cool. I also promised Sid to find him an apartment. He is very busy next week. After tuesday I wont be that busy anyways. I will find him a good apartment. This will be my last gift to him. I am also very doubtful if I will visit him. I am not sure if I will be comfortable. Lets see.

Life on a treadmill !!

I have been so busy lately. And I like it.Last Tuesday was a deadline for three things and I met them all. I felt really proud of myself. I thought I will do lots of things over the Thanksgiving break too. But for the past three days have done nothing. Should get done with my assignment and read my thesis atleast once. On monday I want to take a copy of my writing and the code, put it in a folder and give it to my prof. I have not met him for so long. He will read through the whole thing and suggest changes. I hope all this done before school starts in Jan and I can defend my thesis in Jan. I am so ready to get done with it and move on. I am in desperate need of a change. I seem to be thinking of it all the time. And I get very emotional when I think or speak about it.

I wish I can motivate myself to write more often. It is such a release.

Since thursday I have been on the phone with Sid continously. We talk a lot. I will miss him a lot when he goes away. And the end seems very near. I know I should brace myself. But it isnt easy. It has never been easy. I dont know if I will survive. We'll see. It has happened before. I survived. It will be little harder this time.

Sometimes I am so curious about my future. I know things will change. Because right now things are not stable. Everything thing in nature eventually comes to a stable state. Eventually attains equilibrium. I hope my life also follows this principle.

There it happens again !

Once again I am here. The result of my own actions. Sometimes the person who seems so close to you becomes so rude. Very hurtful, very very hurtful. And then behaves as if everything is normal when it is obvious it is not. So obvious. I am partly to blame for this situation. I should have just shut up, just not participated in the conversation. It is amazing how everyone else but me seems to control my life. I would be so happy if I could completely, absolutely control my life, my feelings, my thinking. Is it too much to ask. All I am asking is control over my OWN life. Nobody else's but just me.

Or maybe all of it is my imagination. I read one of my favorite editors columns yesterday. She married a few months ago. She was talking about all the marital advice she and her husband get from people all the time. And one such advice they are trying to follow which seem to work all the time.

Here is what she says "A lot of times, you'll say something to each other that could be taken a couple of different ways. Chances are, one of those ways will really offend you. Take it the other way."

I thought about it a lot. Time and again Sid says this too. He says give people benefit of doubt. Try not to victimize yourself even before you become a victim. All this makes sense doesn't it. I know this, if only I can practice it too. It will make things easier for me. Maybe I should pretend there is no pr0blem. Tell myself I am cooking it up. A concoction of my mind and nothing more.
what's the worse that can happen. I maybe wrong, what the heck if I am wrong, I might feel miserable. I am not feeling great now either. So better late than now.

I find my mind hardest to train. Like I said no control what so ever. Maybe I should do something about it. I wish there was a way. Lets see,how hard it gets. Maybe another visit to the cemetery.

Miracles !!! If only they could happen

What we see is what we believe or is it what we believe is what we see. When you are in a certain state of mind, that state colors everything else around us. Atleast this is what happens to me. I observe myself a lot. I have, always.

I went to a Multi-cultural show in school today. I went there unwillingly but thoroughly enjoyed. Maybe not thoroughly, atleast to some extent. Felt very lonely in the crowd. Well I have not many friends here. And the ones I have were busy. Felt a little out of place. Still I enjoyed the performances. Then went to work. Was with Sid most of the time. There was an after party.wanted to go but could not. Told Sid about the party, he dint seem pleased. No it is not what you think. He doesnot object to my going to a party. He is just a little concerned with where I am going with my priorities. But, I asked him and he agreed that after I finish up with my thesis, I would go to S and we will go dancing. I love dancing. And I am looking forward to it.Maybe this will propel me.

Came home and Su gave me a couple of Tamil movies. I dint want to study. Could have but dint want to. Watched one. And this is what triggered me to write. I observe myself a lot. It is almost like I am another person constantly able to read my mind. I have observed that my environment greatly influences my thought process and then my thinking also influences what I see. At the show , the dances made me happy, excited, excited enough to want to go dancing

And then the movie. It felt so close to my heart. It was as if I was one of the characters. Going through the same things I am going through. But then it is a story. Stories can be influced can life be . Maybe not . Why maybe. Ofcourse not. But then can I hope for a miracle. A little hope, a ray of light at the end of the tunel. Am I being greedy. Am I setting myself up for another trip to the cemetry. Yeah maybe I am , but then the path to the cemetry is beautiful. It is worth it, is it. I feels so now . What happens when I reach. I dont know what to think and what not. Maybe I should just stop thinking and be prepared, maybe even look forward to it. My trip to the cemetry . Maybe it is not so bad. Maybe it is proof of my happiness before I reach there.

Have lots to do today, i say that everyday

Today i feel a little better than yesterday. Maybe I have gotten used to the fact that Sid wont be around for long.Yet the resentment and feeling of being treated unfairly remains. C'mon it was just a gene that triggered, it could have as well been otherwise. But who am I to questions the designs over which I have no control.

Yes I wish it was other wise, but yes I could and so many others could wish for so many things. All day yesterday I was thinking of her and thinking how lucky she is. Does she have the slightest hint of what great happiness, what pleasant surprise awaits her. My life seems to go in circles, maybe everybodys does.

But when it comes to me I seem to walk around to the same Sad spot. It happened last year , it happened the year before and the one before.And now again I am approaching it.

It is like I start walking down the hills, in the meadows, in the woods and when things start looking beautiful and I start enjoying I come across a cemetery.

And I just can't pass thru this cemetery without burying anything. I have to bury something. And that something are my feelings.All the happiness I felt during my stroll in the meadows,hills and woods need to be buried.I no longer can keep them with me, they are no longer alive.If I dont bury them they will just rot.

And then I grieve the loss of those moments. I become an emotional wreck. I cry. I cry whenever even the thought of my loss crosses my mind.

Right now I am that emotional wreck. In the past the pain and loneliness has dulled with time, I have moved on in search of newer experiences. I hope the same happens this time too. But I am sure it will be more difficult this time. I have much more invested than before.

But really why me.Why always me. Nature has been very cruel to me, God has been very cruel to me. Why couldnt i be like everyone else.

Well , I think this will be a handicap that I will suffer with for the rest of my life, and should the rest of my life be long time. Maybe I should set a deadline and revisit and plan how long should the rest of life be.

later

Wanted to do this for so looooooooooong!

Hi Everyone,
I have been wanting to start blogging for quite sometime now. Things have not been very good with me lately. I thought I needed to share my life with someone, or atleast pretend that someone is interested.

Well, about my self, I am 25 year old living in the US for the past 4 years. Still in school.But not for long I hope.Getting my masters.

More later