Here it is. Still sane, put on a few pounds ... yes i know it sounds horrible. Liking my BABY so far. The truth is I get doubts, serious ones. Like should I have gone for a smaller car. A Toyota Corolla perhaps, maybe a Camry or the Indian fave Honda civic. Or save the world with a Hybrid and not my Gas guzzling RAV4, which roars and grunts in turns. Warm it a little bit and runs pretty smooth. And If i start without warm up time it sulks like a cranky baby just out of bed. Getting carried away, am I not. Anyways I am getting a little comfortable,Sid said 3 months before u get comfortable, and it has been only 25 days since I have had it. So I'll just wait and watch.
Haven't heard from grad school yet. Was getting worried. Sid said I should check with Snez. This guy is always there when I need him the most and gives me just the right advice. Anyways chatted with Snez. She dint get hers yet too. And she had turned it more than a week before me. Carol dint write back either. And she always does. I am assuming univ. is in the vacation mode. I vividly remember last year this time, I was so happy for the break from Evil M.
Hope the next year brings prosperity, Luck and Love. Yes, In the exact same order. Prosperity because it is payback time, I mean debts. Luck, So that nothing out of the ordinary goes wrong, My baby is safe and sound, Cannot afford higher insurance nor a blow to my slowly building confidence in driving and Love. Yes, an after thought. Don't really seem to be in need of it anymore. Yeah sounds cynical but really I dont see the need for anyone In my life. I am sound and happy on my own. Even Sid, about whom I have said more than once, He just has to ask and I am all his. Nope slowly but surely moving away from the notion. I have been hero worshipping and only now started looking at him as a peer. Though he is still and will be my best friend, mentor and guide. I have been constantly questioning my beliefs.
Will write next year ..... yes very cheesy.....
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Much needed update
Finally I get an opportunity to catch up. And I better take it. So many new experiences, so much to write. I better start lest I never finish :-)
Got my license, got a job. I am out of Illinois and I miss it. Moved to PA less than a month ago. Started working NOV 5. I am enjoying what I am doing and hopefully I will continue to do so.
Got myself an apartment on the 14th floor, no less. Hopefully get my baby ... ahem... I mean my car this weekend. I am a little nervous, have been driving for just over a month now. But read and heard nothing like practice to build your confidence. Hopefully I will get enough practice on my new car without causing any harm to my baby (ofcourse the CAR), to any other livingthing including me.
Problems with driving as of now, classic, changing lanes, merging from an alley and the ever present parking. If only the spots were wider or better still give the whole parking lot to me. Hopefully I will start getting comfortable soon.
My thesis has not been read or gotten back to me yet. Hope everything is fine. One last thing to worry about my thesis. Hope it gets out of the way soon.
Let me tell you something very interesting. Can you guess who inspired me to get to my Blog today. Nope You cannot. It is Bipasha Basu. Yes the actress. Was going through rediff and found her blog. And she writes as beautiful as she is.
I will try to write as often as possible. One should just not write about only bad things right .
Got my license, got a job. I am out of Illinois and I miss it. Moved to PA less than a month ago. Started working NOV 5. I am enjoying what I am doing and hopefully I will continue to do so.
Got myself an apartment on the 14th floor, no less. Hopefully get my baby ... ahem... I mean my car this weekend. I am a little nervous, have been driving for just over a month now. But read and heard nothing like practice to build your confidence. Hopefully I will get enough practice on my new car without causing any harm to my baby (ofcourse the CAR), to any other livingthing including me.
Problems with driving as of now, classic, changing lanes, merging from an alley and the ever present parking. If only the spots were wider or better still give the whole parking lot to me. Hopefully I will start getting comfortable soon.
My thesis has not been read or gotten back to me yet. Hope everything is fine. One last thing to worry about my thesis. Hope it gets out of the way soon.
Let me tell you something very interesting. Can you guess who inspired me to get to my Blog today. Nope You cannot. It is Bipasha Basu. Yes the actress. Was going through rediff and found her blog. And she writes as beautiful as she is.
I will try to write as often as possible. One should just not write about only bad things right .
Thursday, October 19, 2006
End of a Marathon
It is done finally. My thesis is done, the defense went well. And it is yet to sink in. I still cannot believe I have successfully completed it. Sid and my parents seem to be more happy than I am. Finally I will have my degree. Thank you God, thank you mom for praying so much for me, and thank you all the stars in my life who brighten my path.
I am back in N. I am still not focused. I want to the best in everything i do. God make things work for me.
I am back in N. I am still not focused. I want to the best in everything i do. God make things work for me.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
My Vice
One of my many Vices, which I have always had but never thought about as much is my tendency to complain and complain and complain some more.
My work is going good, but it has its own set of ridges. Not the work itself, I am kind of enjoying it, but the people I work with. I am starting to hate lazy, ignorant people. And I recognize this is not a good thing.I think I am getting more and more impatient with people who do not match my expections. Intellectually and otherwise. It seems like the only people I admire anymore are people who work hard, who are intelligent, smart and always on top of things. It is one thing to admire such people, but to dislike others is not a good.
I think I should start making a concious effort to be extra nice to anyone and everyone. Because all these negative feelings are not doing me any good either. I hear myself complaining a lot. To anyone and everyone within hearing distance. That cant be good. I keep continuing that, ppl will dislike me like I dislike some.
God, give me the strength and patience to fix myself.
My work is going good, but it has its own set of ridges. Not the work itself, I am kind of enjoying it, but the people I work with. I am starting to hate lazy, ignorant people. And I recognize this is not a good thing.I think I am getting more and more impatient with people who do not match my expections. Intellectually and otherwise. It seems like the only people I admire anymore are people who work hard, who are intelligent, smart and always on top of things. It is one thing to admire such people, but to dislike others is not a good.
I think I should start making a concious effort to be extra nice to anyone and everyone. Because all these negative feelings are not doing me any good either. I hear myself complaining a lot. To anyone and everyone within hearing distance. That cant be good. I keep continuing that, ppl will dislike me like I dislike some.
God, give me the strength and patience to fix myself.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Wheels are Turning
Finally there is loads of activity in my life. Many new beginnings and many more old endings. I dont know if what i said is right, it makes sense to me.
Ramadan has started, so has my hijab. Had a very intresting talk about hijab with Dr.M. Well I think I should stick to it, one way or the other. Atleast it is not a sin, I have no feeling of guilt. My fasting is also going well. My OPT is here, just have to go pick it up. The i-94 is here too. My thesis date has been set tentatively.
I hope and pray everything goes fine. I know there are a few things I am not happy about, with myself. It has to do with my thesis, but I have come so far, to go back now will be devastating, but then I also feel guilty about it.
I hope these mistakes of mine are forgiven and I am allowed to move on to the next level by God. I will try to do a perfect job of anything I take up in future.
And I hope I stay on the right path.
Ramadan has started, so has my hijab. Had a very intresting talk about hijab with Dr.M. Well I think I should stick to it, one way or the other. Atleast it is not a sin, I have no feeling of guilt. My fasting is also going well. My OPT is here, just have to go pick it up. The i-94 is here too. My thesis date has been set tentatively.
I hope and pray everything goes fine. I know there are a few things I am not happy about, with myself. It has to do with my thesis, but I have come so far, to go back now will be devastating, but then I also feel guilty about it.
I hope these mistakes of mine are forgiven and I am allowed to move on to the next level by God. I will try to do a perfect job of anything I take up in future.
And I hope I stay on the right path.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Screenshot of my Life
Let me start this blog with a little bit of philosophy - my kind of philosophy
I am coming to believe that the more we know, the more there is to learn. One can never quit being a student, and if you do, you quit growing.The first and most important virtue of a student should be humility. You have to feel humble, think humble, speak humble and act humble. And it irritates me no end when someone does not behave humble.
This is what is happening with the people around me at work. We are all in a learning process, and if you are an expert you don't belong in the class room. I am doing installations. Many things creep up. The best and most accurate solutions to my queries are given by people who brag the least.
I hope I never lose my humility at any stage of my life.
I am looking forward to Ramadan. Will start wearing Hijab. I am excited and happy about my decision. I hope I find the strength to follow thru with it. This might be the biggest life style change I ever make. I hope God accepted my repentance for my sins. I am also happy with my prayers. At last I am praying regularly.
Sid is back. I told him about the Hijab and he told me 'If that makes you happy, do it'. And I think my prayers are being answered about making him get back on track with his spirituality . He is also thinking about reclaiming his faith. He admitted to it and asked if I had anything to do with it. I said yes, I have been hoping and praying for it for a year now.
And I have a lot of proving to do. At work a couple of people are in not so many words challenging me. I am learning but I want to be good enough to out do them. I hope God gives me the strength, the will and the patience.
I am coming to believe that the more we know, the more there is to learn. One can never quit being a student, and if you do, you quit growing.The first and most important virtue of a student should be humility. You have to feel humble, think humble, speak humble and act humble. And it irritates me no end when someone does not behave humble.
This is what is happening with the people around me at work. We are all in a learning process, and if you are an expert you don't belong in the class room. I am doing installations. Many things creep up. The best and most accurate solutions to my queries are given by people who brag the least.
I hope I never lose my humility at any stage of my life.
I am looking forward to Ramadan. Will start wearing Hijab. I am excited and happy about my decision. I hope I find the strength to follow thru with it. This might be the biggest life style change I ever make. I hope God accepted my repentance for my sins. I am also happy with my prayers. At last I am praying regularly.
Sid is back. I told him about the Hijab and he told me 'If that makes you happy, do it'. And I think my prayers are being answered about making him get back on track with his spirituality . He is also thinking about reclaiming his faith. He admitted to it and asked if I had anything to do with it. I said yes, I have been hoping and praying for it for a year now.
And I have a lot of proving to do. At work a couple of people are in not so many words challenging me. I am learning but I want to be good enough to out do them. I hope God gives me the strength, the will and the patience.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Blast from the Past
Had an interesting conversation a couple of days ago. Got an email out of the blue from R. I was surprised and curious. I had not responded to his earlier email. It said something about him moving on, and wanting to apologise for having hurt me. I agreed to talk.
Got a call next day. He is moving on and getting married. And he did not seem too happy about it. He is getting married to a divorcee with a six year old kid. And this according to him is the compromise he was making. God save that lady, and give her the patience to deal with his attitude.
And he dint seem very apologetic, but maybe he wanted to see if I wanted to get back together. Nope, that aint going to happen. The conversation once again made it crystal clear how immature he is, and I cannot thank God enough for destining me out of that situation.
My belief in 'Qadar' is increasing and making things way more easier.
Got a call next day. He is moving on and getting married. And he did not seem too happy about it. He is getting married to a divorcee with a six year old kid. And this according to him is the compromise he was making. God save that lady, and give her the patience to deal with his attitude.
And he dint seem very apologetic, but maybe he wanted to see if I wanted to get back together. Nope, that aint going to happen. The conversation once again made it crystal clear how immature he is, and I cannot thank God enough for destining me out of that situation.
My belief in 'Qadar' is increasing and making things way more easier.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
How to get a ride and dinner ?
I hardly laugh these days. This ad got a chuckle out of me, I thought I would share. This was an ad for some kind of alcoholic drink.
Two guys get drunk and need dinner and a ride home. They go to a pizza place order a pizza for delivery, ride along with the delivery boy, reach home, psy for the pizza.
Howzzat.....
Two guys get drunk and need dinner and a ride home. They go to a pizza place order a pizza for delivery, ride along with the delivery boy, reach home, psy for the pizza.
Howzzat.....
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
On the Crest
Every experience in my life had a purpose. I learnt what to do from some, I learnt what not do from some. However good or bad I felt at the end of experience I always learnt something from it at the end of the day. Sid was/is on such experience and Sid's presence motivated me to working towards realizing my potential. The last couple of years of this association has given me the motivation to work hard. A craving for learning, a craving for excellence. And I have seen and I am still seeing the results. I might lose him soon, if I havent aleardy. Still I am greatful for his presence.
At my training I am one of the best. I am able to learn with ease the most difficult of things and that is a result of the CS courses I had taken. And the motivation to work hard for them came directly from the support I got from Sid.
It is a nice feeling when one is in a group of people and the group admires you. I am happy for the situation I am in.
And then again I dont want to attribute is this to me alone. That will be taking pride.
At my training I am one of the best. I am able to learn with ease the most difficult of things and that is a result of the CS courses I had taken. And the motivation to work hard for them came directly from the support I got from Sid.
It is a nice feeling when one is in a group of people and the group admires you. I am happy for the situation I am in.
And then again I dont want to attribute is this to me alone. That will be taking pride.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Update -- la mia Vita
Time for an update. It been a while. I have been kind of busy. Settling in. Did a lot of walking these last couple of days. Sid has gone home. I hope he returns as he went. And I hope he doesn't meet her. I cant be the selfless person. I will be the first to admit. Anyways I hope to keep myself very busy. My training has started. It is challenging and I want to ace the challenges. I want to be the best among my colleagues. I hope I can keep the enthusiasm to the finish.
I told my dad about my missing documents. I hope he can get a replacement. I am trying to be extremely positive and praying as hard as possible for all the uncertainty to resolve. I want a stretch of success in every aspect from now on. I want to focus and focus hard, pray and pray hard. I have to a great extent removed every distraction from my path to success, I think.
I have too much of a conscience. And it was bugging me that I am committing sins and hence the troubles in life. Having gotten rid of the source of sin has put me in a positive mode. Now even if things go wrong I wont kick myself. Atleast I would have kept my side of the deal.
I have a test next Friday and I want to give a stellar performance. I want to be the best among my colleagues. Please God help me. And yes I joined a gym close to work. For the first time I am paying for the Gym. Hope I get results.
I told my dad about my missing documents. I hope he can get a replacement. I am trying to be extremely positive and praying as hard as possible for all the uncertainty to resolve. I want a stretch of success in every aspect from now on. I want to focus and focus hard, pray and pray hard. I have to a great extent removed every distraction from my path to success, I think.
I have too much of a conscience. And it was bugging me that I am committing sins and hence the troubles in life. Having gotten rid of the source of sin has put me in a positive mode. Now even if things go wrong I wont kick myself. Atleast I would have kept my side of the deal.
I have a test next Friday and I want to give a stellar performance. I want to be the best among my colleagues. Please God help me. And yes I joined a gym close to work. For the first time I am paying for the Gym. Hope I get results.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
DK.........NapV....
Finally found a place to live. I like it. A little inconvenient but atleast I am not imposing on anybody. I am thankful to God for this place. And I am very thankful to Suku and Ash.They have been such a huge help and for their good wishes. I guess I am not absolutely peopleless.I hope everything from now on works well.
I have unpacked and everything is in place. But I was very tired last night and slept most of today. Was feeling a little lonely. I have never lived alone though I always wanted to. And for some reason I am very hungry all the time and yes missing Sid a lot. But somehow cannot get myself to call. The question being what about when he is not around.
Anyways I will get thru.
I have unpacked and everything is in place. But I was very tired last night and slept most of today. Was feeling a little lonely. I have never lived alone though I always wanted to. And for some reason I am very hungry all the time and yes missing Sid a lot. But somehow cannot get myself to call. The question being what about when he is not around.
Anyways I will get thru.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Perverts - An unpleasant encounter
I am becoming more and more skeptical of the real world. It is making me very catious and nervous.
Thanks to my ad for a place to live on a website frequented by desis, I have all sorts of ppl calling me,IMing and emailing.
Yesterday a very weird person called. When he first started speaking my share of the rent was $650 and at the end of the conversation it was $270. Wondering what happened in those few mins.
Well after a couple of minutes into the conversation he started speaking dirty. In the beginning I thought he was joking. But my God, havent heard anyone more desperate. I wanted to politely end the conversation (Silly me!) and had to finally hang up.
Why do such people exist? I wouldnt want to find myself within a 1 mile radius of such people. Is it possible. This is what scares me the most. I would not say all men are like this. But there are quite a few. And this is not my first encounter. Spme people seem to be interested in nothing more. And all this when I am not even good looking. I sometimes pity the pretty ones. Or is it me. Am I doing something wrong. I think I should change the way I speak. A little more to the point. No point in trying to be friendly with total strangers.
I spoke to a lady who wants to take a paying guest in her family home. I hope it works out. I hope it doesnt come to me having to live with a Guy.Yuck!!!
Thanks to my ad for a place to live on a website frequented by desis, I have all sorts of ppl calling me,IMing and emailing.
Yesterday a very weird person called. When he first started speaking my share of the rent was $650 and at the end of the conversation it was $270. Wondering what happened in those few mins.
Well after a couple of minutes into the conversation he started speaking dirty. In the beginning I thought he was joking. But my God, havent heard anyone more desperate. I wanted to politely end the conversation (Silly me!) and had to finally hang up.
Why do such people exist? I wouldnt want to find myself within a 1 mile radius of such people. Is it possible. This is what scares me the most. I would not say all men are like this. But there are quite a few. And this is not my first encounter. Spme people seem to be interested in nothing more. And all this when I am not even good looking. I sometimes pity the pretty ones. Or is it me. Am I doing something wrong. I think I should change the way I speak. A little more to the point. No point in trying to be friendly with total strangers.
I spoke to a lady who wants to take a paying guest in her family home. I hope it works out. I hope it doesnt come to me having to live with a Guy.Yuck!!!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head
by B.J. Thomas
album: Very Best Of B.J. Thomas (1997)
Here is one my Current Favourite Songs - Sing along & Enjoy
Click below to play music
Raindrops are falling on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed,
Nothing seems to fit
Those
Raindrops are falling on my head,
They keep falling.
So I just did me some talking to the sun,
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done,
Sleeping on the job
Those
Raindrops are falling on my head they keep falling
But there's one thing, I know
The blues they sent to meet me won't defeat me.
It won't be long 'till happiness steps up to greet me
Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red.
Crying's not for me, cuz
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me
Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon turning red
Crying's not for me
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me
album: Very Best Of B.J. Thomas (1997)
Here is one my Current Favourite Songs - Sing along & Enjoy
Click below to play music
Raindrops are falling on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed,
Nothing seems to fit
Those
Raindrops are falling on my head,
They keep falling.
So I just did me some talking to the sun,
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done,
Sleeping on the job
Those
Raindrops are falling on my head they keep falling
But there's one thing, I know
The blues they sent to meet me won't defeat me.
It won't be long 'till happiness steps up to greet me
Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red.
Crying's not for me, cuz
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me
Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon turning red
Crying's not for me
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Homeless Still - My Blog Is it Private?
Two weeks now. Still homeless. Still haven't found anyplace good enough. M would be my last resort. Maybe the only one. I did till her I cannot afford S D. She was fine. She justs starts talking and never stops. Her stuff is in the room ..... Is it OK with me. Her stuff is in the closet .... Is it OK. My God why am I paying the rent. I don't know if all this will workout. Then I think it is after all a matter of couple of months. Should I bother myself so much. Why can I never figure out clear cut answers.
I did not work on my thesis today. Somehow couldn't. I hope I come early tomorrow and not leave until I finish. Cannot delay anymore. Dr M has a very bad tendency of finding more stuff for me to do. I hope he sets a date and get done with it. I should run all the programs tomorrow. I work better under pressure. When Dr M was after me for the paper I could think nothing but my thesis. Now that he has not given me any deadlines I am slacking. I am sure Sid wont be happy. Well yes Sid wont be happy.
And how will he know about this. Thanks to me. Now I know of three ppl who read my Blog. P , A and now Sid. P is like my sister I want her to know the things happening in my Life. She knows all about me. Every fear, every insecurity, everything. Letting A know was totally out of my control. I could do nothing about it. But Sid, well totally different story. I don't know.
Will I able to write my mind, should I even mind. Should I be embarrassed or just express my feelings and not care. Does anyone care what I think of them. I don't think so. And if I am making myself vulnerable so be it. Anyways nothing cannot touch me anymore. I am not letting anybody get any closer. Somethings are best admired from a distance. A candle might brighten up the darkest of thoughts, but hold it close to your heart it will burn u. You wont have anyone to blame but urself. I wont let that happen. Enough of letting ppl invade my territory.
I should start now, a long walk back home. And no I am not calling anyone as I first thought. Old habits are best left alone. It is me time from now on. Me and only me. Everyone else "No entry"
Love thy self for you cannot find a more reliable companion
I did not work on my thesis today. Somehow couldn't. I hope I come early tomorrow and not leave until I finish. Cannot delay anymore. Dr M has a very bad tendency of finding more stuff for me to do. I hope he sets a date and get done with it. I should run all the programs tomorrow. I work better under pressure. When Dr M was after me for the paper I could think nothing but my thesis. Now that he has not given me any deadlines I am slacking. I am sure Sid wont be happy. Well yes Sid wont be happy.
And how will he know about this. Thanks to me. Now I know of three ppl who read my Blog. P , A and now Sid. P is like my sister I want her to know the things happening in my Life. She knows all about me. Every fear, every insecurity, everything. Letting A know was totally out of my control. I could do nothing about it. But Sid, well totally different story. I don't know.
Will I able to write my mind, should I even mind. Should I be embarrassed or just express my feelings and not care. Does anyone care what I think of them. I don't think so. And if I am making myself vulnerable so be it. Anyways nothing cannot touch me anymore. I am not letting anybody get any closer. Somethings are best admired from a distance. A candle might brighten up the darkest of thoughts, but hold it close to your heart it will burn u. You wont have anyone to blame but urself. I wont let that happen. Enough of letting ppl invade my territory.
I should start now, a long walk back home. And no I am not calling anyone as I first thought. Old habits are best left alone. It is me time from now on. Me and only me. Everyone else "No entry"
Love thy self for you cannot find a more reliable companion
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
My wishlist
I have been so negative, to brighten things up I thought I would compile a list of things I want to do In my life. The list cannot be restricted to 10 but I will start with 10 and add to it as and when I do it. Mind you the list is in random order.
1. Graduate
2. Travel around the world by sea
3. Own a BMW
4. Lose 40 pounds
5. Own a House by the Sea - Open a Window and feel the breeze from the sea
6. Counsel troubled teens
7. Adopt a child - from a very financially backward background
8. Start an Orphanage
9. Build a house for my parents
10. Perform Hajj with my family - my parents and brother
To be continued .........................
I hope and pray these things come true
1. Graduate
2. Travel around the world by sea
3. Own a BMW
4. Lose 40 pounds
5. Own a House by the Sea - Open a Window and feel the breeze from the sea
6. Counsel troubled teens
7. Adopt a child - from a very financially backward background
8. Start an Orphanage
9. Build a house for my parents
10. Perform Hajj with my family - my parents and brother
To be continued .........................
I hope and pray these things come true
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Listing Troubles
I have decided to list my troubles I have at the moment and stare at them long enough so that they can disappear. Well that aint gonna happen. But I will list them anyways
1. I am yet to finish the correction in results chapter
2. I still don't know where I will be staying come July 28th
3. My OPT - don't know how many problems might arise
4. I am going to apply for I-94 replacement - What happens if I don't get it
etc etc
I feel so helpless and so insecure. I wish I can have the positive attitude everyone seems to talk about. According Islam pessimism is a sin. Because it means you don't trust in God. I want to be an optimist. But slightest sign of trouble and discomfort shakes me up. I so want to change that. This is the root cause for my unhappiness. I am praying a lot these days. But I still haven't developed the trust that everything will workout. I hope and wish I develop that attitude. Do what I have to do, pray and forget the rest. My parents keep telling me this time and again. I know it is not very pleasant living around a person who complains and victimizes oneself all the time. It is not pleasant living around me for even myself. God, give me the strength, the optimism, the ability to be cheerful. I don't know if I was ever a happy person but lately I notice myself complaining to anyone and everyone who is at earshot. I hate it.
1. I am yet to finish the correction in results chapter
2. I still don't know where I will be staying come July 28th
3. My OPT - don't know how many problems might arise
4. I am going to apply for I-94 replacement - What happens if I don't get it
etc etc
I feel so helpless and so insecure. I wish I can have the positive attitude everyone seems to talk about. According Islam pessimism is a sin. Because it means you don't trust in God. I want to be an optimist. But slightest sign of trouble and discomfort shakes me up. I so want to change that. This is the root cause for my unhappiness. I am praying a lot these days. But I still haven't developed the trust that everything will workout. I hope and wish I develop that attitude. Do what I have to do, pray and forget the rest. My parents keep telling me this time and again. I know it is not very pleasant living around a person who complains and victimizes oneself all the time. It is not pleasant living around me for even myself. God, give me the strength, the optimism, the ability to be cheerful. I don't know if I was ever a happy person but lately I notice myself complaining to anyone and everyone who is at earshot. I hate it.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Flowers in my Garden - OPT Ordeal
I gave all the required documents to apply for OPT to ISFO. They will review and I will have to check with them on Wednesday. I hope everything worksout. I am never confident about such things. There is too much probability of things going wrong and things are never easy for me. I can only hope and pray that thin gs go smoothly.
Time for metaphors. In the garden of my imagination there is a bed of flowers. All flowers created equal by God and the distinguished my men. Do the flowers know that they are different. Do they recognize the differences among they. Are they concious of their selves. Whether or not they are aware of these things, the men who come to pluck these flowers seem to be able to categorize them. Some flowers are picked at first sight, some have to wait longer and some just wither away. What are the flowers thinking when the time to pick comes. Are the flowers that are picked lucky or are the ones that are left behind. Is it better to go on an adventerous journey and wither or just be.
What would I like, do I Know!
Time for metaphors. In the garden of my imagination there is a bed of flowers. All flowers created equal by God and the distinguished my men. Do the flowers know that they are different. Do they recognize the differences among they. Are they concious of their selves. Whether or not they are aware of these things, the men who come to pluck these flowers seem to be able to categorize them. Some flowers are picked at first sight, some have to wait longer and some just wither away. What are the flowers thinking when the time to pick comes. Are the flowers that are picked lucky or are the ones that are left behind. Is it better to go on an adventerous journey and wither or just be.
What would I like, do I Know!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Oh Well!
Moving was a pain. Felt absolutely homeless for a few hours. God Bless H, have a place to say. But the tragedy is my thesis. While working on my paper, some inconsistencies were discovered. Translation, will have to redo my results chapter. A real pain and I am afraid all my assumptions will come out and I will be in trouble. I have asked Dr.M for the OPT letter. Gave him a sample letter yesterday. I hope he gives it to me soon. I will be at peace after I successfully apply. Another decision I have made. I dont want to live here. I understood the value of my family. And they are by me thru everything. I would like to go back. I don't think I can live here for long. The loneliness and lack of security is driving me crazy. My parents are the only people whom I can call and speak my heart out any time. There is no one else. It is easy for everyone else to abandon me.
Sid did. We used to speak everyday, share everything going on in our lives. But it did not matter to him when he stopped speaking. This shows how unimportant I was to him. And then the rest, friends & roommates, have their own lives, own significant others to be with.
I think I want to God and my parents. Only these three entities are consistent in my life. It is my turn now. I will start abandoning people, not that anyone cares. Another thing I also want to give up my sins, and sinful actions. I was never like this, but I am on a steady path towards a very sinful life. And it is a result of insecurity and attention seeking nature of mine. I am going to get rid of all such meaningless temptations. No good can come of it. I only feel guilty. Regularly praying helps. H's house is a nice environment. It keeps me on track. I should have lived with her.
And yes last 4 pounds last week. All the moving has had its effect.
Sid did. We used to speak everyday, share everything going on in our lives. But it did not matter to him when he stopped speaking. This shows how unimportant I was to him. And then the rest, friends & roommates, have their own lives, own significant others to be with.
I think I want to God and my parents. Only these three entities are consistent in my life. It is my turn now. I will start abandoning people, not that anyone cares. Another thing I also want to give up my sins, and sinful actions. I was never like this, but I am on a steady path towards a very sinful life. And it is a result of insecurity and attention seeking nature of mine. I am going to get rid of all such meaningless temptations. No good can come of it. I only feel guilty. Regularly praying helps. H's house is a nice environment. It keeps me on track. I should have lived with her.
And yes last 4 pounds last week. All the moving has had its effect.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Freaky Friday
Yup ! Mr.K Is coming to meet me this Friday. That's tomorrow. It is going to be a hectic day. Will be moving tomorrow. I disposed of so much stuff. Still there is so much more. The suitcases are so heavy. I don't know how I am going to manage.
Met Dr.M today. We did not do much today. He wanted to start revising my paper. Then said he will just do it and mail me. Again he was speaking to me about politics, my job, all sorts of things. I should have finished my thesis and paper earlier. It would have given me so much free time. I am happy it is done albeit late.
Coming back to Mr.K. He will be here about 10. Have a lot to do before he comes. Have to go meet H early tomorrow. I hope things go well. I am not anxious or excited but my parents are. And so is Mrs.K. I can see, she really likes me. She calls me every other day. Literally. But things always aren't that straight forward. If he has a problem with me, it will be about my looks. I just have to get thru it.
Met Dr.M today. We did not do much today. He wanted to start revising my paper. Then said he will just do it and mail me. Again he was speaking to me about politics, my job, all sorts of things. I should have finished my thesis and paper earlier. It would have given me so much free time. I am happy it is done albeit late.
Coming back to Mr.K. He will be here about 10. Have a lot to do before he comes. Have to go meet H early tomorrow. I hope things go well. I am not anxious or excited but my parents are. And so is Mrs.K. I can see, she really likes me. She calls me every other day. Literally. But things always aren't that straight forward. If he has a problem with me, it will be about my looks. I just have to get thru it.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Get me a duct tape -- For my mouth
Really ! I cant believe myself. How stupid am I. Do u remember the list I made a couple of days ago. Well, I broke the rule. Big time. With the most unlikely of people. Dr.M. I met him today to give him the hard copy of my thesis and paper. He went over it quickly and then for some strange reason I begin to rant. It was as if I needed approval. That I am moving on with life. I told him about Mr.K , Mrs.K and for some reason gave the impression that things are settled. And then he advised me about family life. It felt good. It was like speaking to my dad.
But why did I do that. It was almost fabrication. Why am I seeking approval. And added to that Mrs.K isn't coming, only Mr.K. I don't care. But when I told my parents, there reaction unsettled me. They were not happy. And I know why. They have this feeling that a young guy will judge me based only on my looks and elders would go deeper than that.
U know what's sad. It is all boiling down to my looks. And no I am not complaining. I get, my parents anxiety. But, it is just so unfortunate.Yes, I also judge ppl by their looks. But however unfair it may seem, I don't want anyone judging me by the way I look.
Unfair Huh! So is life !
But why did I do that. It was almost fabrication. Why am I seeking approval. And added to that Mrs.K isn't coming, only Mr.K. I don't care. But when I told my parents, there reaction unsettled me. They were not happy. And I know why. They have this feeling that a young guy will judge me based only on my looks and elders would go deeper than that.
U know what's sad. It is all boiling down to my looks. And no I am not complaining. I get, my parents anxiety. But, it is just so unfortunate.Yes, I also judge ppl by their looks. But however unfair it may seem, I don't want anyone judging me by the way I look.
Unfair Huh! So is life !
Am I Romantic or a Psycho !
I am not sure if this will surprise you or this very common. I have these weird fantasies. They are ofcourse not weird to me, but I think most ppl will call them weird. I day dream, fantasize quite a lot. It is my favorite pass time. And no, we haven't gotten to the weird part yet.
My fantasy is to be in an accident. A death defying accident. And no I am not fantasing about the pain or the accident. But the one fictitious person who loves me more than anything in this world. Leaning by me, by my bed, crying his eyes out, remember the last scene of 'alai payuthe'. Telling me how important I am, and how he cannot imagine a life without me. Romantic, aint it. Sick is it?
Coming back to reality. Nothing of that sort is going to happen. No accident, no one to cry by my bedside. Yes my family would but no one else.
My fantasy is to be in an accident. A death defying accident. And no I am not fantasing about the pain or the accident. But the one fictitious person who loves me more than anything in this world. Leaning by me, by my bed, crying his eyes out, remember the last scene of 'alai payuthe'. Telling me how important I am, and how he cannot imagine a life without me. Romantic, aint it. Sick is it?
Coming back to reality. Nothing of that sort is going to happen. No accident, no one to cry by my bedside. Yes my family would but no one else.
how normal am i , HUH
| You Are 60% Normal |
 Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so! |
Memories Galore !
"Log chale jathe hain, aur yadein chod jathe hain!"
I was going thru my stuff today. Will be done living here soon. I cannot afford to keep all the stuff I have. So started disposing off as much as possible. Got rid of most of my stuff. Still more to go. Saw how wasteful i was. So much stuff I spent on, and never used it. Hundreds of dollars. Books, cosmetics, clothes.
And then it started. It was easy disposing off stuff I bought, but going thru gifts was difficult. Every fond memory came back. I have gotten so many gifts over the years, I am very grateful for them, for the thought behind them. The barbies, all six of them bring back fond memories when my life was simpler. Read thru R's cards, letters and was reminded of all the good times we had. She is my best friend and I dont want to and will not find a replacement. My first birthday here she sent me so many cards. I want to reach out to my other friends from undergrad. But right now I feel very ashamed of myself. I want to atleast find a job before I call them.
I am meeting Dr.M tomorrow. I finished writing the paper and correcting my thesis. I am sure I will have to make a lot of changes. I will find the paper full of red marks. I just hope he doesnt think the paper was a complete failure. I hope he gives me the letter for my OPT.
I was going thru my stuff today. Will be done living here soon. I cannot afford to keep all the stuff I have. So started disposing off as much as possible. Got rid of most of my stuff. Still more to go. Saw how wasteful i was. So much stuff I spent on, and never used it. Hundreds of dollars. Books, cosmetics, clothes.
And then it started. It was easy disposing off stuff I bought, but going thru gifts was difficult. Every fond memory came back. I have gotten so many gifts over the years, I am very grateful for them, for the thought behind them. The barbies, all six of them bring back fond memories when my life was simpler. Read thru R's cards, letters and was reminded of all the good times we had. She is my best friend and I dont want to and will not find a replacement. My first birthday here she sent me so many cards. I want to reach out to my other friends from undergrad. But right now I feel very ashamed of myself. I want to atleast find a job before I call them.
I am meeting Dr.M tomorrow. I finished writing the paper and correcting my thesis. I am sure I will have to make a lot of changes. I will find the paper full of red marks. I just hope he doesnt think the paper was a complete failure. I hope he gives me the letter for my OPT.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Transitions !
Life as I know it is coming to an end. It scares me and it excites me. Come July 14 I have no place to call my own. I am going to be homeless. I am going to be out of my comfort zone, literally. I don't know where to stay, where to go, what to do. Life seems to be so insecure. Lets see where my life takes me.
My training as of now does not start until the 29th. And I am getting into this knowing fully well that it will pose its own set of challenges. And these are real challenges impacting my future. However honey coated the conversation maybe they are a business and I am a gullible person. I am aware of that. I am yet to learn to talk tough. Yet to learn how not to be fooled by my fellow human beings. And the first step towards the goal is my realization of a few things.
1. Not to trust anyone no matter who they are.
2. If someone owes you money or a favor go under the assumption that it wont be returned.
3. Not to get emotionally attached or involved with anyone.
4. Stay extremely practical
5. Emotions of any kind are best kept to oneself
6. Never think that people like you, they don't have to no matter how good you are to them.
7. Don't share your feelings with anyone. Baring ones soul = People taking advantage
8. Keep secrets. Secrets should remain secrets.
9. Never to build hopes on anything. Prepare for the worst.
10.You are your only friend.
I know all these seem very negative. But trust me I am not depressed. Following these things seem to make life more livable and less disappointing. And yes I have started implementing these things in my life.
My training as of now does not start until the 29th. And I am getting into this knowing fully well that it will pose its own set of challenges. And these are real challenges impacting my future. However honey coated the conversation maybe they are a business and I am a gullible person. I am aware of that. I am yet to learn to talk tough. Yet to learn how not to be fooled by my fellow human beings. And the first step towards the goal is my realization of a few things.
1. Not to trust anyone no matter who they are.
2. If someone owes you money or a favor go under the assumption that it wont be returned.
3. Not to get emotionally attached or involved with anyone.
4. Stay extremely practical
5. Emotions of any kind are best kept to oneself
6. Never think that people like you, they don't have to no matter how good you are to them.
7. Don't share your feelings with anyone. Baring ones soul = People taking advantage
8. Keep secrets. Secrets should remain secrets.
9. Never to build hopes on anything. Prepare for the worst.
10.You are your only friend.
I know all these seem very negative. But trust me I am not depressed. Following these things seem to make life more livable and less disappointing. And yes I have started implementing these things in my life.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Snappy
Finally I am getting somewhere. Met Dr.M two days in a row. have a few changes to make to my thesis. Working on the fourth draft. Its certainly looking much better. Spoke to Mr.GM. The training starts july 29. I dont know where I am going to stay for those two weeks. I hope things workout.
Mrs.K and her son are coming July 14. Somehow I dont care. I feel very dettached.
Mrs.K and her son are coming July 14. Somehow I dont care. I feel very dettached.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Life Speeding...........Somebody give me a ticket
Right now I feel like a deer caught in line of the head lights. My parents are excited, I am sure my mom is praying for things to work, Mrs.K seems to have a taken a strong liking. Mr.K , I dont know.
Oh so many question today. It made me very nervous. It felt like a background check was run on me. And all those questions reminded me once again of all my shortcomings. She wants to meet me in person. Thats really nerve wracking. I am not used to such things. And I am also afraid they are being misled. The pictures sent to then where good. But still does it really give the picture. I rather be like this than go through the rejection process all over again. And be another disappoint ment to my parents.
Oh so many question today. It made me very nervous. It felt like a background check was run on me. And all those questions reminded me once again of all my shortcomings. She wants to meet me in person. Thats really nerve wracking. I am not used to such things. And I am also afraid they are being misled. The pictures sent to then where good. But still does it really give the picture. I rather be like this than go through the rejection process all over again. And be another disappoint ment to my parents.
Monday, June 19, 2006
IF is always in the middle of LIFE
Saw this really interesting ad on TV. It was for Metlife, an insurance company. It was all about the 'If' in life. Life is so full of choices and with every choice made comes an if. If the right and wrong is taken out of the equation of our decisions, thats all we are left with, the 'IF' factor.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Life is full of surprises - mine too !
I am surprised at my life. It is one hell of a ride. Water is never still, a hint of disturbance and an endless series of ripples. There are so many dimensions to my life. I was taken by surprise yesterday. Did not know what to think of it. It was like a dream. Much like the movie I was watching, The Chronicles of Narnia. Just walk through the wardrobe and land up in a totally different world. A surreal world.
Do u remember the cemetery I had come across during my wanderings. Well I was wandering again in the woods. I had lost something precious. The child of my heart. Lets say my baby. A child of my imagination. It scares me. I was expecting myself to drown in grief. But no. Much to my surprise I was not mourning. No I was not. I know I love my baby. But was I getting immune to all the pain. Why am I not hurting. Have I lost the ability to feel pain. Should I be disgusted or should I be alarmed or should I just be happy and thankful.
Anyway, while I was wandering I hear a this beautiful note. I might not have thought of it as beautiful but I could feel it and then there was beautiful glow.The pleasant warmth. I follow the sound and reach the edge of the stream. The music I was hearing is the beautiful sound of the water. I am fascinated. It was as if the stream was speaking to me. Singing to me. Inviting me to spend time with it. I am shocked. It sounds like my precious baby. The baby I thought I lost. And my baby calls me with open arms. I ask why my baby left me in the first place. It just says it never left. Time flys by. I am dreaming about the time I am going to spend. But at what cost. It turns out, I cant. As I was reaching for the embrace, puff !!!!!!!
Its all gone. No music, no stream, just me dreaming. By the lake, a placid lake, staring at my own reflection. No one beside me. I am disappointed, can I, should I. Maybe I should just be happy, my baby is still part of dream. But it was so close, I just had to reach far enough. Will I ever meet my precious, again. Surprises happen when you least expected them, so they say !!
Do u remember the cemetery I had come across during my wanderings. Well I was wandering again in the woods. I had lost something precious. The child of my heart. Lets say my baby. A child of my imagination. It scares me. I was expecting myself to drown in grief. But no. Much to my surprise I was not mourning. No I was not. I know I love my baby. But was I getting immune to all the pain. Why am I not hurting. Have I lost the ability to feel pain. Should I be disgusted or should I be alarmed or should I just be happy and thankful.
Anyway, while I was wandering I hear a this beautiful note. I might not have thought of it as beautiful but I could feel it and then there was beautiful glow.The pleasant warmth. I follow the sound and reach the edge of the stream. The music I was hearing is the beautiful sound of the water. I am fascinated. It was as if the stream was speaking to me. Singing to me. Inviting me to spend time with it. I am shocked. It sounds like my precious baby. The baby I thought I lost. And my baby calls me with open arms. I ask why my baby left me in the first place. It just says it never left. Time flys by. I am dreaming about the time I am going to spend. But at what cost. It turns out, I cant. As I was reaching for the embrace, puff !!!!!!!
Its all gone. No music, no stream, just me dreaming. By the lake, a placid lake, staring at my own reflection. No one beside me. I am disappointed, can I, should I. Maybe I should just be happy, my baby is still part of dream. But it was so close, I just had to reach far enough. Will I ever meet my precious, again. Surprises happen when you least expected them, so they say !!
Sunday, June 11, 2006
My Saturday Night Phone Call
Sid called me last night. It was the usual checking on me call. I mentioned him about my lease ending on 14 th and me not starting with the consultant until 22nd. He offered to let me stay at his place but he is going to Canada for the VISA. And he plans to go to INDIA in August. Ofcourse I did not accept that offer. Then there was discussion about my thesis. It was nice to be able to talk my heart out. I was a little sad. I miss the conversation, the support. But may be it is a good thing after all I lose him in August right. So be it !
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Remember - The good ole' malgudi days - Here is Something !!!
MALGUDI DAYS by (RK Naryan )
A Hero
Little Swami, like all timid children, sucks his thumb and sleeps near his devoted, story-telling Grandmother. Father is quite annoyed at this mollycoddling and cleverly provokes his son into a show of courage: he is to sleep all alone in his office that very night.
And so, he drags the reluctant child to the office while the women in the family look on helplessly. A petrified Swami sleeps fitfully ? dreams and reality merge ? but the next morning the little boy wakes up 'A Hero"- with a special invitation to join the police force.
Swami abounds in the adulation and praise, while Father is pleased to know his son's photograph has appeared in the local newspapers. Rushing in one night to break the good news, he finds Swami back to his old ways ? one night of manhood is enough for the boy. R.K.Narayan pits the age-old courage vs. strength theory - either you have it in you or you don't.
A horse and two goats
An impressive statue of a Horse and Warrior stands on the outskirts of a sleepy village named Kritam, not too far from Malgudi. Muni, the local goat-herd and his family (wife and two goats) have obviously seen better day. Hunger seems to follow them about like shadows? because the shop-keeper's terms are 'strictly cash'. And so, penniless, dreaming of drumstick curry and other such delicacies, he grazes his goats each day - lazing in the shadows of the great Horse. On one such typical day, an American tourist happens to run out of 'gas' near the statue. The unlikely characters meet and an interesting conversation is soon in full swing. The American speaks only English while Muni speaks chaste Tamil. Not a single word is understood by either, yet they go on like long lost friends. Finally, an unexpected bargain takes place between Muni and the American that has surprising results for Muni. The story brings out R.K. Narayan's earthy sense of humor, dealing with communication and the language barrier.
Missing mail
Thanappa is Malgudi's friendly postman. Always a smile, time for a chat, a bit of advice - followed by the inevitable refreshment. But he is more than just a postman to the Ramanujam family. He shares their good news when he brings tidings of it. And sympathizes in their sorrow as well. Thanappa is instrumental in bringing about their daughter's engagement - the one whose birth he had brought news of almost seventeen years ago. A day before the happy occasion of her marriage, a letter arrives bearing news of his elder brother's illness and a telegram follows with his passing away. Should Thanappa risk all by telling the family on this happy day? Or should he postpone the delivery and risk getting sacked for his efforts? A tricky situation indeed! R.K. Narayan brings to light the problems of arranged marriages in a middle class family and stirs the fast-vanishing memories when the postman was almost a part of a family's hopes, dreams and aspirations.
Leela's friend
8-year-old Leela abounds with joy when her parents hire a new servant to help about the house. Sidda, the servant, is a simple soul - but he is all she knows. The Sivasankar family is a picture of joy as Sidda helps run an efficient household and give Leela the benefit of his experience. One day on the way home from market, Mrs. Sivasankar discovers her daughter's chain missing. Sidda too vanishes. Leela is beside herself with grief, while the parents are busy with their won work, and the Police. In yet another bitter-sweet tale, R.K. Narayan sharply contrasts the innocent world of a child with the hard realities of adulthood. The chain is finally found in a pickle-jar, but Sidda's screams rent the air around the Police-station. Leela's Friend is no more.
Sweets for angel
In the courtyard of a 100 year-old building live Malgudi's odd trio-Pachai the blind beggar (whose eyesight is as sharp as a razor), Kuppan the rickshaw cyclist and Kali the coolie. His one weakness is children. And the school opposite is his haven. He never mingles with the kids-always keeping his distance from them. And so the three eke out a living from day to day till the child-lover gets an opportunity to earn some big money at the local ration store. Feigning illness to his friends, he summons up the courage to buy sweets for the children. At school-break, he approaches them. Being children, they cannot refuse his tempting offer and soon there is commotion all over the place. Some passers-by mistake him for a kidnapper and within no time, rumors about him are rife. A large crowd chases him till he finds refuge in a stranger's house. An exhausted Kali tries to escape, but of no avail. The police arrive and apprehend him. Kali has got himself landed in hospital, shorn and shaven. His friends on a consolation visit, suggest he can go back to his old ways as no one will recognize the new, hairless Kali.
A willing slave
No one knew her name, from whence she went, or came - for the family she was just 'Ayah'*. A willing slave to cook and care for the three children, keep a stern eye on the other servants and to generally keep the house in running order - all for a pittance of a sari** and a few rupees a month. The only sign of any family of her own were two hefty, sullen men in their early 40's, who would come to collect a part of her meagre salary which she gave willingly. The story features 'The Ayah' and Little Radha (the smallest of the children) - their unique relationship where each indulges the other's fantasy till one day when the Ayah leaves to become a willing slave for yet someone else. Everyone from eight to eighty will identify with this bitter-sweet tale. For the 'Ayah' forms an important figure in the Indian household. And for the Western world, our central character would be quite, quite unbelievable yet, about a Mother figurine.
Cat within
Exploitation is rife in this tragically funny story where a Landlord and an Exorcist combine to squeeze the blood from their miserably poor tenants. To protect his loot, the landlord places six kerosene cans one-on-top-of-each-other hoping that any thief might sound the alarm. But the only thieves here are rats - not humans. And who but a cat could deal with these vermin, suggests the Exorcist. The real fun however begins late one night, when a brass pot suddenly comes alive, bouncing up and down in the Landlord's godown, setting up an unholy din. The terror-stricken tenants huddle together ? the Exorcist is sent for ? Some evil is definitely afoot ? and will to come to light !
The watch man
Poor old watchman! 'Why' he asks, 'do people come to my Tank Bund to end their lives?' Suicide has become almost a fashion at the small, deep Tank - with the explanatory letter left behind. Death seems to greet him every month or so, till one night he chances on a young lady in distress already waist-deep in the water. The night is young as the Watchman gets acquainted with the lady's problems. At dawn, having said his piece, he leaves her to do what she will. And it is only many, many years later that he discovers what really happened the morning after the night before. R.K. Narayan examines the stifling conditions of the Indian Woman for whom economic independence seems the only answer to her problems
A Hero
Little Swami, like all timid children, sucks his thumb and sleeps near his devoted, story-telling Grandmother. Father is quite annoyed at this mollycoddling and cleverly provokes his son into a show of courage: he is to sleep all alone in his office that very night.
And so, he drags the reluctant child to the office while the women in the family look on helplessly. A petrified Swami sleeps fitfully ? dreams and reality merge ? but the next morning the little boy wakes up 'A Hero"- with a special invitation to join the police force.
Swami abounds in the adulation and praise, while Father is pleased to know his son's photograph has appeared in the local newspapers. Rushing in one night to break the good news, he finds Swami back to his old ways ? one night of manhood is enough for the boy. R.K.Narayan pits the age-old courage vs. strength theory - either you have it in you or you don't.
A horse and two goats
An impressive statue of a Horse and Warrior stands on the outskirts of a sleepy village named Kritam, not too far from Malgudi. Muni, the local goat-herd and his family (wife and two goats) have obviously seen better day. Hunger seems to follow them about like shadows? because the shop-keeper's terms are 'strictly cash'. And so, penniless, dreaming of drumstick curry and other such delicacies, he grazes his goats each day - lazing in the shadows of the great Horse. On one such typical day, an American tourist happens to run out of 'gas' near the statue. The unlikely characters meet and an interesting conversation is soon in full swing. The American speaks only English while Muni speaks chaste Tamil. Not a single word is understood by either, yet they go on like long lost friends. Finally, an unexpected bargain takes place between Muni and the American that has surprising results for Muni. The story brings out R.K. Narayan's earthy sense of humor, dealing with communication and the language barrier.
Missing mail
Thanappa is Malgudi's friendly postman. Always a smile, time for a chat, a bit of advice - followed by the inevitable refreshment. But he is more than just a postman to the Ramanujam family. He shares their good news when he brings tidings of it. And sympathizes in their sorrow as well. Thanappa is instrumental in bringing about their daughter's engagement - the one whose birth he had brought news of almost seventeen years ago. A day before the happy occasion of her marriage, a letter arrives bearing news of his elder brother's illness and a telegram follows with his passing away. Should Thanappa risk all by telling the family on this happy day? Or should he postpone the delivery and risk getting sacked for his efforts? A tricky situation indeed! R.K. Narayan brings to light the problems of arranged marriages in a middle class family and stirs the fast-vanishing memories when the postman was almost a part of a family's hopes, dreams and aspirations.
Leela's friend
8-year-old Leela abounds with joy when her parents hire a new servant to help about the house. Sidda, the servant, is a simple soul - but he is all she knows. The Sivasankar family is a picture of joy as Sidda helps run an efficient household and give Leela the benefit of his experience. One day on the way home from market, Mrs. Sivasankar discovers her daughter's chain missing. Sidda too vanishes. Leela is beside herself with grief, while the parents are busy with their won work, and the Police. In yet another bitter-sweet tale, R.K. Narayan sharply contrasts the innocent world of a child with the hard realities of adulthood. The chain is finally found in a pickle-jar, but Sidda's screams rent the air around the Police-station. Leela's Friend is no more.
Sweets for angel
In the courtyard of a 100 year-old building live Malgudi's odd trio-Pachai the blind beggar (whose eyesight is as sharp as a razor), Kuppan the rickshaw cyclist and Kali the coolie. His one weakness is children. And the school opposite is his haven. He never mingles with the kids-always keeping his distance from them. And so the three eke out a living from day to day till the child-lover gets an opportunity to earn some big money at the local ration store. Feigning illness to his friends, he summons up the courage to buy sweets for the children. At school-break, he approaches them. Being children, they cannot refuse his tempting offer and soon there is commotion all over the place. Some passers-by mistake him for a kidnapper and within no time, rumors about him are rife. A large crowd chases him till he finds refuge in a stranger's house. An exhausted Kali tries to escape, but of no avail. The police arrive and apprehend him. Kali has got himself landed in hospital, shorn and shaven. His friends on a consolation visit, suggest he can go back to his old ways as no one will recognize the new, hairless Kali.
A willing slave
No one knew her name, from whence she went, or came - for the family she was just 'Ayah'*. A willing slave to cook and care for the three children, keep a stern eye on the other servants and to generally keep the house in running order - all for a pittance of a sari** and a few rupees a month. The only sign of any family of her own were two hefty, sullen men in their early 40's, who would come to collect a part of her meagre salary which she gave willingly. The story features 'The Ayah' and Little Radha (the smallest of the children) - their unique relationship where each indulges the other's fantasy till one day when the Ayah leaves to become a willing slave for yet someone else. Everyone from eight to eighty will identify with this bitter-sweet tale. For the 'Ayah' forms an important figure in the Indian household. And for the Western world, our central character would be quite, quite unbelievable yet, about a Mother figurine.
Cat within
Exploitation is rife in this tragically funny story where a Landlord and an Exorcist combine to squeeze the blood from their miserably poor tenants. To protect his loot, the landlord places six kerosene cans one-on-top-of-each-other hoping that any thief might sound the alarm. But the only thieves here are rats - not humans. And who but a cat could deal with these vermin, suggests the Exorcist. The real fun however begins late one night, when a brass pot suddenly comes alive, bouncing up and down in the Landlord's godown, setting up an unholy din. The terror-stricken tenants huddle together ? the Exorcist is sent for ? Some evil is definitely afoot ? and will to come to light !
The watch man
Poor old watchman! 'Why' he asks, 'do people come to my Tank Bund to end their lives?' Suicide has become almost a fashion at the small, deep Tank - with the explanatory letter left behind. Death seems to greet him every month or so, till one night he chances on a young lady in distress already waist-deep in the water. The night is young as the Watchman gets acquainted with the lady's problems. At dawn, having said his piece, he leaves her to do what she will. And it is only many, many years later that he discovers what really happened the morning after the night before. R.K. Narayan examines the stifling conditions of the Indian Woman for whom economic independence seems the only answer to her problems
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
1200 Huh!
Met Dr.L today. Today is the first day of my participation in her calcium-weightloss study. Here is the deal, I have to watch what I eat, ofcourse. No more than 1200 cals. I am having problems with 1350-1500 cals, how will I manage 1200 cals. I don't know. We will have to wait and watch. She gave me this food exchange chart. I had some idea but it was alarming. Did you know 1/3 cup cooked rice is a serving. An average Indian eats atleast 5 times it. A carb addict like me will do 10 times that.
I will have to do a lot of fighting with myself. No wonder I am overweight all these years of overeating, and a bad metabolism just makes things worse. I wish I was more active as a child. I was never into sports.I liked dancing, but my parents did not care for it as much. I remember in middle school asking my parents to let me join classical dance classes. My parents had this standard answer for everything " Concentrate on ur studies, that's more important". This when actually I was very good student. Anyways no point crying over spilt milk.
The good news is my fat consumption is very very low. Still it will be a challenge. I just hope my body will adjust soon enough. When I was younger I used to like sugary stuff. I slowly weaned myself off of it. And it worked. I hardly care for it anymore. To the point that I don't like sweet stuff. I hope the same works for my overall food intake. I am going to rely heavily on my mind to control my body, I don't trust my body as much. I hope I just don't give up.
Got myself weighed. Was very disappointed. In three weeks I have lost only 1.8 lbs. No did not put on muscles. I am to meet Dr.L again next week. Lets see how it goes.
I am supposed to include 3 cups of soy milk in my diet. Dr.L gave me 1.5 gallons of soy milk. If not anything I don't have to go all the way to walmart to buy milk. That's taken care of.
I will have to do a lot of fighting with myself. No wonder I am overweight all these years of overeating, and a bad metabolism just makes things worse. I wish I was more active as a child. I was never into sports.I liked dancing, but my parents did not care for it as much. I remember in middle school asking my parents to let me join classical dance classes. My parents had this standard answer for everything " Concentrate on ur studies, that's more important". This when actually I was very good student. Anyways no point crying over spilt milk.
The good news is my fat consumption is very very low. Still it will be a challenge. I just hope my body will adjust soon enough. When I was younger I used to like sugary stuff. I slowly weaned myself off of it. And it worked. I hardly care for it anymore. To the point that I don't like sweet stuff. I hope the same works for my overall food intake. I am going to rely heavily on my mind to control my body, I don't trust my body as much. I hope I just don't give up.
Got myself weighed. Was very disappointed. In three weeks I have lost only 1.8 lbs. No did not put on muscles. I am to meet Dr.L again next week. Lets see how it goes.
I am supposed to include 3 cups of soy milk in my diet. Dr.L gave me 1.5 gallons of soy milk. If not anything I don't have to go all the way to walmart to buy milk. That's taken care of.
My Dieting Blues - Dr.90210 - Sex and the City
My Dieting Blues: Boy oh Boy. It is hard. Eating the right kind not as much, but eating the right quantity is definitely hard. I set my target at 1350 - 1500 cals. It is hard when u start keeping track of every single bit u take in. I am using my-calorie-counter.com. I don't know if it is just my body and mind rebelling or maybe I should eat more. I am working out about an hr everyday. But I am hungry, have a slight headache especially towards the end of the day. This is making me wonder if I should give myself a little more leeway. I am meeting Dr.L for the calcium study. I am very excited to start the study and more important check my weight on her state of the art weighing machine. I hope I have lost some weight. Will write about it tomorrow.
Dr.90210: I am in awe of this show. I wish I had the kind of money to get plastic surgery done. It would be awesome. I can then fix myself. If I could, I would fix everything from my neck to my knees. If only. Sometimes I think I should make money with the goal of getting the plastic surgery done. Right now I feel like a young beautiful person trapped in a big, ugly , flabby old body. Just Imagine someone in big dirty rags. That's how I feel. And I am sure this is one and only reason I just don't find the ONE. But u know on the flip side may be this a good thing. Because after all this if I find the love of my life, I will actually end up with some one absolutely genuine. One who loves me in the best and the worst. What a paradox isn't it!!!
Sex and the City: I have been thinking about this and no don't laugh. I have had so many crushes ever since I have noticed the existence of the opposite sex. Never one serious relationship. I was wondering what if I write a little something about each of those encounters, if I still remember the details that is. Would it make a good reading. If not for anyone else, would it make me laugh. I am going to try it, sometime ..........Soon.....I guess........
Dr.90210: I am in awe of this show. I wish I had the kind of money to get plastic surgery done. It would be awesome. I can then fix myself. If I could, I would fix everything from my neck to my knees. If only. Sometimes I think I should make money with the goal of getting the plastic surgery done. Right now I feel like a young beautiful person trapped in a big, ugly , flabby old body. Just Imagine someone in big dirty rags. That's how I feel. And I am sure this is one and only reason I just don't find the ONE. But u know on the flip side may be this a good thing. Because after all this if I find the love of my life, I will actually end up with some one absolutely genuine. One who loves me in the best and the worst. What a paradox isn't it!!!
Sex and the City: I have been thinking about this and no don't laugh. I have had so many crushes ever since I have noticed the existence of the opposite sex. Never one serious relationship. I was wondering what if I write a little something about each of those encounters, if I still remember the details that is. Would it make a good reading. If not for anyone else, would it make me laugh. I am going to try it, sometime ..........Soon.....I guess........
Monday, June 05, 2006
Me Back !
Its been a veryyyyyyyy long time. Well I am back. Had a successful semester,sort of. Did surprisingly well in assembler. A real good boost of confidence. Started a Myspace. Not another blog, cant keep up two when I cant do one. Just to keep in touch with ppl I met at AAC. And yes a year older and none the wiser. Started working out and dieting again. Doing Tae Bo, kind of like Billy Banks. He is like a drill sergeant. It is 45 mins of kickboxing. I am liking it. Atleast for now. I am also going to participate in a calcium - Weightloss study. A little excited about that.
Right now dragging myself to do the correction to my thesis. And yes the topic I have been avoiding, my love life, well I am trying to put it in coma. Well I am getting older but I am tired. Tired of waiting. Sid did call me on my birthday at midnight. But I did not know it was him (He showed up as unknown).
And then again he called me that evening, asked all sorts of question. Covered every damn topic. This how the conversation went:
Him: How are you?
Me: Good.
Him: Happy Birthday
Me: Thanks
Him: Did you do any thing special?
Me: No
Him: didn't you Celebrate?
Me: No
Him: Are you doing your thesis?
Me: Yes
Him: Have you started studying SAP?
Me: Not yet
Him: Are you productive, like during the semester, you did well this semester?
Me: I am trying to be
Him: How are you surviving, do you have enough money? ( Mow that I am not working)
Me: Yes
Him: Are you exercising?
Me: Yes
Him: Are you weighing yourself often
Me: Yes
Him: Are you eating healthy?
Me: Yes, Gave up Rice.
Him: Good
Him: I will let you go,I should go home now.
Me: Are you still at work? ( It was 11 p.m. his time)
Him: Yes
Me: Alright then , Bye
Him: Yes
And that's the end of it. Dint know what to make of it. Just let it go as one of the many exceptions. Oh well, I will get back to work now. And yes ' let fate decide' . Yeah right !!!!!!!!!
Right now dragging myself to do the correction to my thesis. And yes the topic I have been avoiding, my love life, well I am trying to put it in coma. Well I am getting older but I am tired. Tired of waiting. Sid did call me on my birthday at midnight. But I did not know it was him (He showed up as unknown).
And then again he called me that evening, asked all sorts of question. Covered every damn topic. This how the conversation went:
Him: How are you?
Me: Good.
Him: Happy Birthday
Me: Thanks
Him: Did you do any thing special?
Me: No
Him: didn't you Celebrate?
Me: No
Him: Are you doing your thesis?
Me: Yes
Him: Have you started studying SAP?
Me: Not yet
Him: Are you productive, like during the semester, you did well this semester?
Me: I am trying to be
Him: How are you surviving, do you have enough money? ( Mow that I am not working)
Me: Yes
Him: Are you exercising?
Me: Yes
Him: Are you weighing yourself often
Me: Yes
Him: Are you eating healthy?
Me: Yes, Gave up Rice.
Him: Good
Him: I will let you go,I should go home now.
Me: Are you still at work? ( It was 11 p.m. his time)
Him: Yes
Me: Alright then , Bye
Him: Yes
And that's the end of it. Dint know what to make of it. Just let it go as one of the many exceptions. Oh well, I will get back to work now. And yes ' let fate decide' . Yeah right !!!!!!!!!
Saturday, January 28, 2006
A different me
I know, I know, I was supposed to finish catching up, I said in a few hours. Got a little side tracked. I have an idea. I will continue about my trip later. Let me do some talking about the present. Yes, there is a lot of sadness and discontent in my life. And writing my heart out here feels very good. But for a change I wont dwell on my sadness in this post.
I have taken assembler and advanced programming in C++ this semester. School started on Jan 17. I have been a little complacent this semester, which is not good. I am going to get on track this weekend. Have an assignment due on Monday and another due on Tuesday. I am yet to start working, but I am going to finish them both before Monday.
My job search also needs some momentum. The Intel website is still giving me trouble. It is one of my strong desires to work for Intel. It will be like a dream coming true. I have decided that I will join a consultant in May. Its high time I take charge.
I met Dr.M on Jan 17. He said that he has still not started reading my thesis. I hope he does it soon and lets me defend without too much trouble. I am going to give up on it if he is not satisfied or something like that. I cant keep dragging this on for the rest of my life.
One other thing I am happy about it is my fitness regime. Since school started I have been working out very regularly and watching my diet too. I have started doing strength training along with cardio. I have not lost any weight since I have started. For some reason I am not very worried. Never have I done as much strength training as I am doing now. And I have a feeling that I am building muscle , hence the no difference in weight. I also feel less pressured this time. I am doing this just for myself this time. I don't have a deadline, I am not doing it to please anybody, I have not set any time or weight goal. I think I am doing all the right things and yes I do slip sometimes. But that's fine. I will do what I have too and not care about the result. No point in stressing myself out or getting obsessed. I am also cooking quite a bit. Cooking is therapeutic and yes not spending money on eating out is also good. I found milled flax. Using it quite a bit. Adding a lot of milk to my diet. I have also subscribed to an online journal which will help me keep track of my weight, diet and exercise. It costs 5 dollars per month. It has a calorie and nutrient counter and many such tools. It will be fun.
J is leaving on Tuesday. I will miss her. And yes I am thinking of getting off anti-Depressants. Their long time effects seem to be really bad. Dependency, Sexual dysfunction etc. And if stopped after long use, the withdrawal symptoms are too bad. I better stop now. I have not taken it today. Lets see how it goes.
alright then I will get back to assembler. Will be back soon. Maybe tomorrow...
I have taken assembler and advanced programming in C++ this semester. School started on Jan 17. I have been a little complacent this semester, which is not good. I am going to get on track this weekend. Have an assignment due on Monday and another due on Tuesday. I am yet to start working, but I am going to finish them both before Monday.
My job search also needs some momentum. The Intel website is still giving me trouble. It is one of my strong desires to work for Intel. It will be like a dream coming true. I have decided that I will join a consultant in May. Its high time I take charge.
I met Dr.M on Jan 17. He said that he has still not started reading my thesis. I hope he does it soon and lets me defend without too much trouble. I am going to give up on it if he is not satisfied or something like that. I cant keep dragging this on for the rest of my life.
One other thing I am happy about it is my fitness regime. Since school started I have been working out very regularly and watching my diet too. I have started doing strength training along with cardio. I have not lost any weight since I have started. For some reason I am not very worried. Never have I done as much strength training as I am doing now. And I have a feeling that I am building muscle , hence the no difference in weight. I also feel less pressured this time. I am doing this just for myself this time. I don't have a deadline, I am not doing it to please anybody, I have not set any time or weight goal. I think I am doing all the right things and yes I do slip sometimes. But that's fine. I will do what I have too and not care about the result. No point in stressing myself out or getting obsessed. I am also cooking quite a bit. Cooking is therapeutic and yes not spending money on eating out is also good. I found milled flax. Using it quite a bit. Adding a lot of milk to my diet. I have also subscribed to an online journal which will help me keep track of my weight, diet and exercise. It costs 5 dollars per month. It has a calorie and nutrient counter and many such tools. It will be fun.
J is leaving on Tuesday. I will miss her. And yes I am thinking of getting off anti-Depressants. Their long time effects seem to be really bad. Dependency, Sexual dysfunction etc. And if stopped after long use, the withdrawal symptoms are too bad. I better stop now. I have not taken it today. Lets see how it goes.
alright then I will get back to assembler. Will be back soon. Maybe tomorrow...
One of my favourites
Truly Madly Deeply
Savage Garden
(Savage Garden)
I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on
A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish to send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of
The highest powers
In lonely hours
The tears devour you
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right here before you
All that you need will surely come
I'll be your dream I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to live like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
Savage Garden
(Savage Garden)
I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on
A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish to send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of
The highest powers
In lonely hours
The tears devour you
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right here before you
All that you need will surely come
I'll be your dream I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to live like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
Friday, January 27, 2006
Catching UP!
I know it has been a very long time. I was busy I think. Or may be not, I was just not in the mood. Here I am. I have loads to write about. Many significant and not so significant things have happened. Let me begin where I left. As planned I left for Seattle on Jan 6. The planning and shopping was very cool. J took me shopping. I bought some cool stuff. That was fun.I also got my haircut. I dint intend to make it any shorter but thats how it turned out. But I think it looked alright.Sid teased me real bad over the phone when I told him.Finally the day came. My flight was at 7. I left home at 1:30 as I had to take the Greyhound to Chicago and the only bus was at 2:40. And I was extremely mad at Sid. He had not called all morning that day.And I was fuming. I expected him to check with me if I had taken everything. But no. That didnt happen. Finally he calls me at 2:00 p.m. I let him know that I am mad. He had some excuse that he was busy or something like that. Maybe he was busy.
Anyways I was feeling a strange kind of nervousness. It was not like I am meeting him for the first time. Anyways I got to the airport on time. And Sid made sure he checked on me regularly. And the flight was delayed by more than an hour. It was a 4.5 hr journey. I read for an hour, I slept for a couple of hours and I cried for for close to an hour. I was by the window looking out to a clear sky with stars everywhere and I couldnt help but cry. Cried for all things I wanted and will never have, Cried for all things that could have happened and never did. It was good thing it was the middle of the night and everyone next to me was asleep and I was with my face towards the window. I was a very peaceful experience, just me, the sky and the stars.
Finally my plane landed. I didnt know what to expect. He was to meet me at the Baggage claim but it was a big airport. I called him and was trying to look for him. And he was right behind me. I got a big hug. And he liked my hair. I could see that he like it. That felt real good. I let him carry all my stuff. We got into his car. He asked me if he is to give me the kiss he owed. And I said ofcourse not.
Anyways it was a nice ride home. He had gotten samosas for me. I had one and we retired for the night. I couldnt sleep, he dozed off. I was tossing and turning. Tried to read, tried all sorts of things. Finally I slept at 6 a.m. And then he made me tea in the morning, he had also made tapioca for me. Introduced me to his roommate. He was a pretty good guy too. And then I dressed and all was good. But what was I thinking, could I be happy for long. NO.
I will continue in a few hours .......
Anyways I was feeling a strange kind of nervousness. It was not like I am meeting him for the first time. Anyways I got to the airport on time. And Sid made sure he checked on me regularly. And the flight was delayed by more than an hour. It was a 4.5 hr journey. I read for an hour, I slept for a couple of hours and I cried for for close to an hour. I was by the window looking out to a clear sky with stars everywhere and I couldnt help but cry. Cried for all things I wanted and will never have, Cried for all things that could have happened and never did. It was good thing it was the middle of the night and everyone next to me was asleep and I was with my face towards the window. I was a very peaceful experience, just me, the sky and the stars.
Finally my plane landed. I didnt know what to expect. He was to meet me at the Baggage claim but it was a big airport. I called him and was trying to look for him. And he was right behind me. I got a big hug. And he liked my hair. I could see that he like it. That felt real good. I let him carry all my stuff. We got into his car. He asked me if he is to give me the kiss he owed. And I said ofcourse not.
Anyways it was a nice ride home. He had gotten samosas for me. I had one and we retired for the night. I couldnt sleep, he dozed off. I was tossing and turning. Tried to read, tried all sorts of things. Finally I slept at 6 a.m. And then he made me tea in the morning, he had also made tapioca for me. Introduced me to his roommate. He was a pretty good guy too. And then I dressed and all was good. But what was I thinking, could I be happy for long. NO.
I will continue in a few hours .......
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